Hellobee

I don’t know why Mr. Dolphin and I thought it was a brilliant idea to try to start getting pregnant while I was looking to change jobs, but we discovered I was pregnant pretty much the same day that I got an offer for my current job. Part of our reasoning was that almost all of our friends who had kids before us said that it took them six months, a year or even longer to get pregnant. Even my OB/GYN said that it would likely be about three months after going off the pill before we would be successful, so I thought that there was time. I assumed that we’d stop trying to prevent pregnancy and, at some point six months to a year from then, we would become pregnant. Of course, that meant I got pregnant on our first full cycle off the pill.

I had been interviewing for months for a new job, in part because I knew that I couldn’t handle the 45% travel my previous job entailed if we had kids. I was burned out from the heavy work travel to often remote destinations (sometimes taking upwards of forty hours in transit one way) and no longer enjoying my work environment. It paid horribly and even though I wanted to stay in the non-profit or public sector, I knew that a higher salary was critical. I accepted employment at my current job while I was four weeks pregnant and started work immediately after the winter holidays, at eight weeks pregnant.

24 weeks pregnant in Masada, Israel on our babymoon.

Here’s what happened and what I’d do differently.

I didn’t disclose that we were trying.

When I interviewed for my current job, I fell in love with the person who would be my boss and it seemed like a great fit. I wanted the job. Badly. Even though I knew that they couldn’t rescind the offer based on pregnancy status, I wasn’t ready to share the news. I didn’t want to tell anybody yet because it was still so early into the pregnancy. I also didn’t want to notify my new job, mostly because I was scared. The salary was much higher than my old one, the work-life balance much better suited to having kids, and the work environment appeared to be superior, as well. I felt like disclosing the pregnancy would somehow jeopardize all of it.

After starting work about a month after I received the offer, I was filling out medical insurance forms and one of the questions related to pregnancy. I was a little concerned that our HR person might accidentally see that I answered “yes” to the pregnancy question and I didn’t want her to find out that way. I asked to speak to my boss privately and said, “I’m so embarrassed to be having this conversation, but I’m pregnant. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I interviewed here and I didn’t think it would happen so quickly . . .” Before I could finish my speech, my boss jumped up and gave me a hug. She was thrilled and told me that every pregnancy should be celebrated. We chatted about me not wanting to tell anyone else because I was still in the first trimester, which she understood and told me that she had many miscarriages before she and her husband adopted (and then eventually did have a full term pregnancy).

What I’d do differently: After receiving the offer, I would have called my current boss to let her know that we were at least trying to become pregnant. I can say this now, knowing how wonderful and supportive my boss is. But, to be honest, without knowing in advance how she would react, I’m not sure I would have disclosed that I was pregnant or trying.

I didn’t negotiate my salary the way I should have.

Because I found out I was pregnant, I knew that I needed a new job with a higher starting salary. The offer I was given was a decent one and I immediately accepted, in part because I was afraid that if I started negotiating, the organization would say they couldn’t give me what I was asking for and withdraw the offer of employment. I also felt a little bit guilty that I would be starting the job while pregnant without letting them know, something that should not have played into my salary decision. As a result, soon after Lion arrived and we were paying exorbitant daycare costs, I had to re-negotiate my salary. It definitely would have been better to ask for the salary I deserved and needed because I definitely had more leverage when I was considering accepting the offer, than when I was already employed.

What I’d do differently: Even though we had done some research into the cost of having a child, they ended up being much more than we thought. I wish I had gotten a better handle on the full costs of having a child, how little maternity leave I would have, and how much we would need to make to pay the bills in one of the highest cost of living areas in the nation. Because I was interviewing at other jobs, I could have held off on accepting a position at my current employer even though it was my top choice at the time. I also could have been very upfront about some of the higher salary ranges I was looking at and negotiated based on that. I would have taken the time to take a step back and tell the HR person the day she called to offer me the position, “I’m not prepared to negotiate my salary today, but I will consider your offer and get back to you.” I now know that I was their first choice, but not having that confidence hindered me a bit when I was negotiating my salary. Additionally, as one of my colleagues who also started at her job already pregnant told me later, what difference does it make in the long-term whether she takes her maternity leave six months after being hired or three years from when she’s hired? From that perspective, it definitely would have made more sense to ask for the salary I wanted then, rather than hoping for a big salary increase after my first year. However, at the time, I had only experienced raises in two other organizations, both of which gave me substantial raises after the first year (in the eight to twenty percent range). I didn’t realize that wasn’t normal across all organizations. I had always depended on the fact that after working for several months or a year, I would be rewarded with a substantial increase; my current organization gives merit raises that are just slightly above cost-of-living raises and, had I known that, I definitely would have changed my salary requirements from the start.

Basically, my advice boils down to this: negotiate your salary before you accept the offer, even if you’re pregnant.

I didn’t have an understanding of the maternity leave policy.

I still haven’t seen a copy of the employee manual. I tried for months after starting the job to get a copy so that I could review the leave policy, nervous because my organization has less than fifty employees and thus is not bound by the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). I was brushed off several times with the response, “Oh, we’ll find some time to talk about it.” I finally cornered our HR person and got her to explain the leave policy, which was more generous than I was expecting, but not as good as I had hoped. Our organization provides twelve weeks of maternity leave, with the first four weeks paid by the employer; the remaining eight weeks can be done unpaid or through some combination of sick and vacation leave. While my organization does have very generous vacation and sick leave, because I started at the organization after becoming pregnant (plus we took a babymoon and I had a hospitalization and thirty doctors appointments during pregnancy), I had almost no time saved up. I ended up only taking six weeks of leave before returning to work. Luckily, Mr. Dolphin had incredibly generous leave: twelve weeks of paternity leave with ten of those paid by his employer and the rest paid by vacation or sick time.

What I’d do differently: I’m a planner by nature, so not having information about the maternity leave policy drove me absolutely crazy. I absolutely do not regret taking a babymoon with Mr. Dolphin and even if I had to take unpaid time off, we would have made it work. I was fortunate that I was given four weeks of leave (though I certainly wish there was more paid leave), but I wish I had pressed harder once I disclosed my pregnancy to get a firm understanding of my organization’s family leave policy. Additionally, the wording of the policy was never made clear to me. Was it four consecutive weeks? Was it termed in hours instead of weeks or number of days? Could I work part time and take part time leave? If a holiday fell during the maternity leave, did I get an extra day of leave to replace the holiday? These are questions that remain unanswered even though I have two kids. When I submitted my leave dates, I decided to interpret the policy as giving me a set number of hours, particularly because during my second maternity leave I worked significantly from home starting at three weeks postpartum for a number of reasons.

Final Thoughts

Although I started work while pregnant, I felt that I didn’t miss that much during maternity leave, which had been a big concern. Again, I was fortunate that my boss is a great team player and I knew would cover everything for me while I was gone. I tried to wrap up as many projects as possible well in advance of our due date, especially after I had a partial placental abruption at 32 weeks. I did end up working to finish up an article while in labor with my first baby, but that was the one outstanding project I felt couldn’t wait until I returned and that I couldn’t hand off to someone else (in retrospect, it could have waited since the issue it went into didn’t end up being published for several more months). I didn’t take a long maternity leave, so there wasn’t too much that built up and because I stayed on top of e-mails (I can never seem to help myself), it didn’t feel like I had a lot to dig out from once I returned.

If I had to do it over again and had disclosed before accepting the job, I would have tried to negotiate a higher salary as well as more paid leave. I don’t know whether I would have been successful, but I think it would have been worth a shot.

Overall, starting a new job while pregnant worked out fine for me. My boss was, luckily, very supportive and I did have at least some paid leave. I do wish we lived in a country with mandatory paid leave and one in which motherhood isn’t penalized in the work world, but am very thankful everything worked fine. I don’t know that I’d choose this timing, but if it ever comes up again, I at least know what I would do.