Confession time: My son is almost four and he does not go to sleep on his own.
I’ll just let that sink in. For the past four years, give or take a few nights, Mr. Cotton Candy and I have had to take turns staying with Little CC and waiting him out until he finally gets too tired to hang on any longer and passes out. Little CC has never been one to sleep at the same time every night, despite us trying desperately to get him on a schedule.
I guess there’s no better way to describe how we got here than to start at the beginning, so here goes…
When Little Cotton Candy was born, we heeded the warnings against co-sleeping and let him sleep in a bassinet by our bedside instead. At five months old, we transitioned him to his crib and moved him out of our bedroom and into the nursery. This transition was much easier than we had though it would be, and probably harder on us than on him (we missed him being right next to the bed). We took turns putting him to bed, as at this point he was fully formula fed, and every night one of us would rock or bounce him to sleep, then lay him in his crib. Our pediatrician warned us that we should be letting him get drowsy, then putting him down in his crib and letting him fall the rest of the way asleep, but when we tried that he would just cry. We decided to go with the path of least resistance—a pattern that would continue over the next several years.
Little Cotton Candy at 10 months
A rare stroller nap
Overall, despite taking forever to GET to sleep, Little Cotton Candy has always been a fairly good sleeper, taking naps during the day and usually having only one wake-up per night. However, that wake-up could be a doozy, and usually involved me or Mr. Cotton Candy rocking him in his room for hours before he would fall back asleep. Somewhere around the age of one a half, we decided “screw it” and started bringing Little CC into bed with us when he would wake up in the middle of the night. Sure, he kicked and flopped all around, but we liked him being close AND we all three slept better. It wasn’t an ideal solution, but cutting out the middle-of-the-night struggles helped us keep our sanity and hang on the status quo of not sleep training a bit longer.
Cut to two and a half years later, and we’re no better off when it comes to getting him to sleep at night.
Basically bedtime in our house
In February of this past year (when Little CC was about three and a half), we decided to try a method where he would go to sleep on his own. We would go through our normal bedtime routine (bath, pajamas, brush teeth, read a few books, turn out lights, sing or play a song), only at the end, instead of lying there waiting for him to fall asleep, we would leave the room and check on him in 10 minute intervals. Miracle of all miracles, after one night of Little Cotton Candy running in to “check on us” once a minute, it worked. Little Cotton Candy was falling asleep on his own, and more importantly, staying in bed after we left the room. This lasted a few months and worked great, until just as suddenly he stopped. He would refuse to stay in bed, and essentially made bedtime an exercise in torture. We tried reasoning with him, we tried bribes, we tried threats, but nothing worked. He would not stay in bed and go to sleep without Momma or Daddy. So we caved. And that’s where we’re at now.
Little Cotton Candy turns four in three weeks, and I have already started talking up to him the idea that we are going to go back to our check-in method at bedtime. Momma & Daddy need a break (and a chance to spend some quality time together in the evening!). Got any tips for me?
Does anyone else struggle with the bedtime blues?
nectarine / 2667 posts
Yes, us too! We rocked, cuddled, and back-patted our way through almost 4 years of bedtimes for the same reasons you listed. We also co-slept until our son was 3 (and stopped mainly because my pregnant belly took up too much space). My husband spent 6 months sleeping with my son in his little twin bed.
Things are so much better now! We let him “help” us create a bedtime routine that includes 5-10 minutes of patting his back and then a few checks every 5 min or so. It took about 4 months for that to really stick. We also had to work on some anxiety issues that he had and I think that helped his sleep as well. Now he’s 4 and we’re working on staying in his bed all night. Hopefully we’ll get there soon! Good luck to you! I remember feeling like it’d never end, but it did!
cherry / 141 posts
Sooo I struggled with the night time wakings for awhile. By struggle I mean I would get really upset/angry that our baby was AWAKE again. Something happened to where I just snapped out of it and now I wake up and feed him and we fall back asleep. We have been cosleeping for about 10 months now. We have a older sibling and they were sleep trained but it was a nightmare and I don’t want to relive it. Kids just wake up. Babies wake up and we are there to help them know that it’s normal and they are OK. I don’t want my entire parenting method to be angry/upset that my baby isn’t doing what the internet/books tell me to do.
Everything I had anxiety about my child not quitting in a timely fashion just happened naturally. My daughter potty trained when she started going to school (2 years old) and just wanted to do it because all the other kids were doing it. It just happened. Sure I helped her by giving her the tools (potty and step) but in the end she had to be on board. She also just naturally night potty trained. I lost my marbles over and over again on how we would FIX her. But in the end she just became developmentally ready. I’m guessing sleep is like this too.
guest
I still stay with my (almost) 5 year old until he falls asleep (granted it is within 5 min of us finishing stories). I enjoy laying in bed with him, reading a ton of bedtime stories and having him cuddle up and fall asleep. I look at it this way, one day he won’t want us snuggling and cuddling him to sleep. He won’t be 16 and still needing mommy to crawl into bed with him. These years are flying by and I will enjoy every last minute of my affectionate cuddly boy. We also put our 2 year old to bed the same way. There have been times over the years that they have gone to sleep independently but this is what is working now. I think the only problem comes if it doesn’t work/feel good for YOUR family but even if it feels like a never ending battle just remember it really won’t last forever
Good luck!
pomelo / 5084 posts
You’re bursting my bubble that once we can “reason” with DS when he is a bit older, bedtime will be better …….
pomelo / 5084 posts
@kellyrae: Totally agree with you. It annoys me to no end that American culture (and parenting books) is based on these ideas about sleep that are completely unnatural for babies and toddlers! I cant stand it! Nothing is “wrong” with little kids waking up overnight and needing to be comforted, to eat, etc.! We shouldnt be expecting babies to sleep 12 hours every night from 6 weeks on like robots! But we do because that’s what a ton of books say and how people talk.
guest
I don’t have advice, but I commiserate! I have a 4 year old who just started sleeping through more than she didn’t.
I could go on and on about what we tried or didn’t, what the Dr.s said, what our friends thought, etc., but it doesn’t matter, because not one thing made much of a difference. She just does not sleep as much as she is ‘supposed’ to.
She is old enough now that she doesn’t wake us up every time. That sounds good, but let me tell you, it is weird to check on her in the middle of the night, find her sitting cross legged in bed and when I ask, she says,’I’m just waiting for the sun to come so I can get up.’ And it makes me sad to think of how often she is alone and awake in the middle of the night.
I think we all do things that unintentionally reinforce behaviors we don’t like to see in our kiddos, but I also think a lot just depends on the kid. I have seen kids who for no particular reason can sleep through a bomb blast, kindergarten students who still need naps + 12 hours a night and twins, where one was a ‘good’ sleeper and one wasn’t.
Good luck!
pomegranate / 3973 posts
Oh man, you’re making me nervous that we’ll be in the same spot at 4. DS was going to bed amazingly well despite some early wake-ups (I’d bring him to bed with us closer to 4 or 5 am) and then at 18 months went through some separation anxiety which meant we had to stay in his room till he fell asleep (and also meant his crib got switched to a toddler bed since he was jumping out).
We JUST got him to stay in his room (22 mo,) and go to sleep on his own, but practically as soon as he wakes up and knows we’re in our bed he comes in, usually before 11. I love the cuddles but wish he’d stay in his bed till early morning.
Not sure how we will break this habit. My goal now is to make sure DD (due in Feb.) doesn’t become a co-sleeper also.
cherry / 141 posts
@wrkbrk: Agree completely with the robot sentiment!
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
You are not instilling me with confidence that Lion will figure out sleeping on his own any time soon (I write at 11pm while Mr. Dolphin is sleeping on the floor of the kids’ room in an attempt to get Lion to fall back asleep.).
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Um, my lil boy is 3yo and we still co-sleep. Sigh. Not by choice, but it’s the only way any of us will get any sleep (he’s a crier that vomits if he cries too much or hard. So sleep training was never an option for us). And at 3yo, he still doesn’t STTN so yea… That saying “he won’t do this forever” is what I’m living by, but omg, even when he’s in college and away, will my body know how to STTN then??? lol
grape / 98 posts
I am so glad I am not alone. LO has gone to bed independently but those days are long past. At 3.5 yes old I am trying to move myself out of the room slowly- inches at at time. Sigh.
blogger / apricot / 275 posts
Count me in the group of Moms with toddlers who insist on going to bed with Mommy (or Daddy if Mommy is at book club). Some days I do wish he would put himself to bed, but boy I love those snuggle times.