Hellobee

My NIPT (non-invasive prenatal testing) results for hemophilia came in exactly two weeks after my blood sample was scheduled to arrive in Toronto. I had emailed the genetic counsellor that morning with an “I promise I won’t harass you every day, but is there any word?” message, and she told me she was expecting them shortly and assured me she’d call as soon as the results landed on her desk. I was anxious for the rest of the day, and snatched up the phone on the first ring when she called late into the afternoon.

I really felt mostly uneasy about the chromosomal testing — I could not fathom getting bad news at this point. I didn’t care whether the baby was a boy or a girl, mostly because with 40+ years of no boys born on my maternal side of the family, and already having had a daughter, I was pretty darn sure this new baby had to be a girl.

So when the genetic counsellor said “It’s a boy!” I almost dropped the phone. My exact response was “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.”

After collecting myself and finding out that the rest of the testing came back low risk, we briefly went over the next steps — they’d be rushing my genetic testing, and the geneticist would have to do some work to inform my doctors about how to proceed with delivery, because we basically have to pretend I’m a carrier for hemophilia, even if I might not be, thanks to the uncertainty with my family’s DNA. I didn’t feel very anxious at that point, because the baby was chromosomally healthy, and I was in such shock about having a boy.

That lasted for about a day, at best. I started getting uneasy, thinking, “Now I know it’s a boy. Now I can picture a boy. I can’t lose this baby.” And, “We don’t have boys. Something is going to go wrong.”

I was so sure that NIPT would clear up my anxiety, but it didn’t. Yes, I’m calmer about the risk of major chromosomal issues, but finding out that he’s a boy? That really solidified him as a person. That might sound weird, but a lot of my post-loss defense mechanisms have revolved around being a little bit detached from the whole concept of having an actual child, and taking things day by day — hearing boy made me fast forward to the part where I’m desperately hoping he’ll be able to come home with us.

I’m sure I would have still been anxious if I found out the baby was a girl, but the boy discovery? It threw me. I am so thrilled that there is finally going to be a boy in the family, I can’t wait to meet him, and that terrifies me.

All of this culminated in a huge panic attack. Mac Daddy told me that I need to try to love this baby, this boy, as much as I can now, and not let myself give into the fear. It sounds so logical and easy, but it’s hard.

I’ve been distracting myself with the fun stuff — coming up with nursery ideas, shopping for boy clothes, and trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’m going to have a son.

What am I going to do with all these baby girl things?! Send them to a friend having a girl!

My anatomy scan after that felt like another hurdle to jump. We saw that baby is indeed a boy, and found out that all is well, anatomically speaking, which was a relief.

It’s all part of navigating the strange reality of pregnancy after loss, and I’m frustrated that I can’t just be happy and carefree, but I’m trying to be gentle with myself at the same time.

If you had NIPT or other testing, did it help with any anxiety you had?