Hellobee

Before I talk about the NICU, I want to acknowledge that the boys needing to spend time in the NICU wasn’t a surprise to us. Since MoDi twins are delivered at 36+6 weeks at the latest, a fair number of them will end up spending at least a little time in the NICU for observation. Plus, once my water broke at 25 weeks, I had time to adjust to the idea that my guys wouldn’t be going home the same day I did. I think the advance knowledge of the situation, and the chance to get all my anger/fear/stress out of the way before the boys were born, really helped me have a positive experience as a NICU mom. This isn’t the case for everyone, and I respect that if you weren’t expecting a NICU stay then staying positive about the situation is much harder.

This post is going to deal mostly with the preparation tips I found really useful in the weeks leading up to delivery. Knowing your child will be going to the NICU while you’re still pregnant is scary, but in an abstract way. The physically gut-wrenching feeling of going home, and knowing that a nurse is going to be taking your place at your child’s bedside for now, is hard to explain. For any NICU moms or dads out there, I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to lessen the force of those emotions. But, I promise that if you learn as much as you can ahead of time, you will be able to push through the initial fear, heartbreak, and frustration, and come out the other side capable of being the informed member of your child’s care team that he or she needs you to be.

I’m a firm believer that knowledge gives me a sense of control over scary situations. I wanted to learn as much as I could about the medical challenges my boys were facing, as well as hospital specific NICU protocols ahead of time. I read scholarly articles addressing complications from preterm premature rupture of membranes (PPROM) and made lists of questions to ask my doctors the next time they rounded. However, I also searched for any firsthand accounts of NICU stays that I could find. I found a lot of comfort in reading what helped other families cope with a lengthy hospital stay, and started making a list of what I expected would work for us as well.

Addressing my concerns with the NICU team was pretty easy in my case. I had literally nothing to do other than sit around all day and think, and I asked for regular meetings with the NICU team that would be caring for my boys after delivery. We met every two weeks, which tended to align with the boys reaching a new gestational milestone, and would go over what the plan would be if I went into labor that night. I would usually save my questions for those meetings, but occasionally I would find one that couldn’t wait. In those situations, I would ask my nurse to page a member of the NICU team, and they would either call me or stop by my room. In my experience, NICU nurses and doctors are extremely willing to talk to parents. Even if you’re not in-patient, if you know that you’re baby is going to be spending some time in the NICU, start establishing that relationship early. I think you’ll find that removing the sense of the unknown removes a lot of the stress as well.

Once I felt confident that I understood what the boys’ care plans would look like once they were born, I was able to start planning for the logistics of navigating a lengthy NICU stay from our end. We, along with many other NICU parents, lived a considerable distance from the hospital. If you can start figuring out your visiting schedule early, you should. Figure out what schedule will allow you to give your baby all the support they need, while still remembering that you will be recovering from childbirth as well. Be realistic with your expectations, and tailor them to your personality. Maybe staying at a Ronald McDonald house nearby for the duration of your baby’s stay is what will work for you. Or, maybe your NICU will allow rooming in, and you can stay right at the bedside until you come home. Sometimes, due to work or childcare concerns, it’s not possible to spend every day at the hospital. Don’t let anybody make you feel guilty if that’s your reality. At the boys’ NICU, I could call any time of day or night to get a status update on how the boys were doing. I had a good relationship with the boys’ primary nurse, and she would facetime with me when I just needed to see the boys. I found that the NICU staff was willing to bend over backwards to ease my mind and let you see how well your baby is doing.

Kangaroo Care in the NICU (picture courtesy of the boys’ amazing primary nurse)

If you do have other children at home, or grandparents/family that might want to visit you baby during their stay, familiarize yourself with the visiting protocol before your baby is born. Give grandparents and siblings a chance to make sure they are up-to-date on their vaccines, and figure out the best visiting schedule for older siblings. Our NICU, like most others, had a social worker on staff who worked primarily with older siblings. She would give an age-appropriate explanation of what the sibling should expect when he or she went in to see the baby. She stayed for a few minutes to answer any questions, and then she gave us privacy to let our kids meet one another in (relative) peace. The best advice I can give you, especially if the older sibling is still very young themselves, is to keep your expectations realistic. In our case, Addie was over the moon to meet her brothers, but she was pretty scared of the hospital itself. In her experience, once I went there, I didn’t come home for a very long time, and it was important for me to be respectful of that. She saw the boys once during their stay, and that was enough for her. It’s wasn’t fair to her to bring her someplace that stressed her out any more than absolutely necessary.

Addie loves her brothers, but does not love hospitals. 

Finally, despite all your preparation, there will be bad days. Even babies that are “feeders and growers” will still have hiccups. In our case, Tyler, our baby B, caught a cold right the day before his brother was discharged. Instead of going home with his brother, the doctors moved him to the PICU (due to overcrowding in the NICU) and had him back on the CPAP for another week. That week was the low point of the entire, long, journey. I was scared, and just so angry that instead of having both boys at home, we took such a huge step backwards. I regret focusing on the negative as much as I did that week. It colored Gavin’s first week at home, and the anger/fear didn’t help Tyler one bit.

When it comes down to it, referring to your NICU stay as a “journey” is pretty apt. It’s not a linear march from point A to point B. Learn. Control what you can, and let go of what you can’t. Educate yourself on your baby’s medical needs, be a part of the care team, but trust that the doctors and nurses want your baby to get healthy as much as you do. Most of all, remember that, even though there are lots of people helping to take care of your baby, NOBODY else is Mom or Dad. I promise you, nothing about a NICU stay is going to damage that unique and special relationship. That’s all yours, and nobody can take it away.