Note: This is a post about my feelings around working part time versus full time and balancing work with parenthood. This is about my personal struggle, and I hope this post doesn’t come off as insensitive to those who work full time. I know lots of moms work full time, either by choice or because they have to, and I believe their kids are just as happy and loved as kids with a parent home all day. I also know I am lucky to have these choices.
As Mr. Cotton Candy and I are trying to conceive our second child, I have been struggling mentally with how I want to balance my career and motherhood going forward. A quick recap of what my job/home situation has been over the past few years: I have been working as a freelance editor with a couple of steady contracts, and lately I have been working around thirty hours a week. Little Cotton Candy is now in his second year of preschool, which he attends five days a week from 9:00 to 2:30. Mr. Cotton Candy works a more traditional schedule in an office from 7:30 to 4:30 every weekday.
I’ve recently had my work hours reduced (not by choice), and I feel conflicted about what my next step should be. Do I find supplemental work and hope that it’s enough to bridge the gap in our income? Do I stick with my current gig and try to stretch our budget? Or do I look for a new job altogether? If I go that route, do I stick to remote jobs or do I branch out to a job where I would have to go in to an office?
When it came to work/life balance, I had it pretty easy with baby #1, as my mom lived ten minutes away and would come help with Little Cotton Candy for a few hours every weekday so that I could continue my normal work routine. Nowadays my mom lives across town, and although she still helps with Little CC when she can, it’s not as convenient for either of us. Does she want to help with baby #2? Absolutely. But I know that I won’t be able to rely on her in the way that I did when Little CC was a baby, so even if I don’t get a new, more demanding job, I have to figure out a new plan.
When I think about working an office job, immediately I know that I wouldn’t be able to keep my routine with Little Cotton Candy. I wake up, listen to podcasts while I get ready, make coffee, and make Little CC’s lunch and breakfast, and then I wake him up and have breakfast with him before we head to his school. He’s in school for around five and a half hours while I work, and then I pick him up and we come home and play until it’s time for Mr. CC to get home and start dinner. Were I to go to a more traditional work schedule, I would definitely need to find an afternoon nanny for Little CC, and someone who is also available to work on holidays, and I don’t know if the expense of that would make up for the increase in income I could possibly get from a full time job. Not to mention the fact that I WANT to be there with Little Cotton Candy in the mornings and afternoons and the days he is out of school.
Then when I think about throwing a second child into the mix…my brain basically short circuits and I can’t even imagine how difficult it will be to work and take care of two little ones. I know millions of people do it every day, and some do it with three or four or five…but I am overwhelmed at the thought nonetheless. I’m sure I’m not the only mom who has ever felt this way, but I tend to get overwhelmed by small things, like how hard it is to get my child to brush his teeth in the morning; this tendency was MUCH stronger when Little Cotton Candy was a baby. And that is where a lot of my fears come from, I think. I had a very difficult time adjusting to motherhood. I didn’t comprehend at the time, but I believe now that I was struggling with postpartum anxiety in the weeks and maybe even months after Little Cotton Candy was born. I want to make sure that I am in a good situation where I can take at least a month off work and focus on baby #2 so that I don’t have a repeat of the nursing struggles I had with Little CC; plus, I am hoping the fact that I am now aware of PPA means that I can be on the lookout for it and take some actions if things don’t feel right. Having a more flexible schedule will, I think, make it easier on my anxiety.
Finally, I think about how your brain changes while you are pregnant and nursing and dealing with a newborn and sleep deprivation. I know those times are not the ideal ones to be dealing with super challenging work tasks, such as learning a new job from the ground up. (At least, it wouldn’t be ideal for me.)
All of these scattered thoughts and feelings lead me to believe that I should just keep on trucking and not try to overhaul my career right now. But then I wonder if I am making excuses for myself so that I don’t have to take a risk that’s scary?
Can anyone relate to my rambly discourse? I believe this time in a parent’s life if probably one of the most challenging. There are so many competing concerns, and whenever I make a big decision I’ve always got my fingers crossed, wondering if it’s the right choice.
guest
Like you said, a lot of this comes down to your personality. For my mom, she knew she couldn’t have a second child unless she was working only part time, which was 2 12-hr shifts per week. I knew I could do it while working full time, but in a large part because I have the support of family, and the slight chaos in our house doesn’t bother me as much as it would have her (she always folded the laundry and got it put away, but I had no less than 5 loads unfolded in our laundry room this weekend). We also eat really simply–healthy ingredients, and no more than 15 minutes to prep–because I’d rather play with the kids than cook and clean up. I completely hate that I don’t see our 8 month old as much as I would like but that’s because she still sleeps a lot. Most days I feel like I see our 3 year old enough in the evening–I pick them up around 5:20, and she doesn’t go to bed for another 3 hours. In the warm weather, that’s enough time to play outside and go to the park in the evening. I spend most of that time with them, not doing housework. I will often let my 3 year old watch a show in the evening so I can do a quick sweep of the kitchen and house, but only in the winter. Mornings are really tough…I will say though that there is nothing better than picking them up at day care or seeing them at the end of the day…I always get a “running hug” from the 3 year old and happy baby squeals from the baby. My husband and I have had many conversations about the fact that I strongly feel I couldn’t work full time with 3, and I read something a few months back about how 3 kids is the tipping point for leaving the workforce.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
I actually think what you’re describing is a struggle for all parents as they transition to parenthood and then to parenting multiple kids, not just working ones. I work full time (and my schedule is more traditional and longer because of the crappy commute situation in the DC area) and I have the same “short circuit” when I think about having another kid, but it’s not because of my work situation. I was hit very hard by the postpartum time – I’m not sure if it was depression, anxiety or just adjusting to life with a kid – but maternity leave was the hardest time for me. I actually think going back to work made me a better parent and more relaxed one because I knew I couldn’t do all the things. We have no family in the area at all, and no real network to rely on, so we’ve had to make it work with daycare and shifting our schedules as needed. I am fairly firmly in the “one and done” camp for all of the reasons you described – which I think would be just as profound for me, if not more so, if I was a stay at home parent. No real advice or solutions, other than that I know it works out eventually, but I totally hear you!
guest
I also meant to add, the transition to 2 wasn’t nearly as difficult for me as I imagined it would be. I had heart palpitations just thinking about bathing 2 kids on my own in the evening (my husband works late), but now it’s nothing. Having your first is much more of a disruption than adding a second.
guest
The transition from 1 to 2 is definitely tough, no matter the situation! I had pretty bad post partum anxiety after the births of both of my boys. I would meet with a health care person (I had a therapist and a psychiatrist) ahead of time to come up with a plan if you get it again. Then you can take care of it right away (whether that is meds, therapy, combination, etc). I felt much better going into my second pregnancy having a plan for what to do if I got it again.
apricot / 424 posts
The transition from 1 to 2 is tough for sure. Your time gets divided whether you want it to or not. I agree with others that anxiety and/or depression is much easier to see the second time around. I personally got on meds as soon as the first 2 week (baby blues) time period was over (and am still happily on them 7 months later).
Returning to work after my first was very difficult. I stayed home for 3 months and my husband stayed home for three more months after that. We did the same thing for my second, but it just felt easier the second time. We had changed to a very nice daycare, so I knew the kids were happy there. Also, I knew that no matter how difficult it was to drop off your babies that my first one was thriving and ok.
You will make the right decision when you need to….
Also, remember that no decision you ever make in life is permanent until the day you die. You can always change anything if you want to.
guest
All of this resonates with me. We have a four year old and a 16 month old and both work 45+ hour jobs, with crappy DC commutes. Our schedule would not be possible without our amazing nanny. Going from zero to one was far worse than one to two but I did worry so much about those first few months and work re-entry. With #2, I was able to anticipate just how hard those first months are and did not really wait to get on meds for PPA/D, which helped. I also knew my self-care strategies and developed a higher tolerance for chaos (because, three years experience with kid 1). Never imagined doing this a third time and knowing we were done was actually a huge source of comfort for me.
grapefruit / 4291 posts
I’m a real believer in the concept of seasons throughout life and for my family this is not the season for me to be furthering my career (we have a 4yo and almost 2yo). Having said that, I was lucky enough to find a part time job that let me pick my hours and doesn’t require too much effort or add to my stress levels. I wasn’t actually looking to go back to work but this position came up and I just look at it as being the season for our family to get ahead with our finances.
And @RonjaL7: has some good advice – nothing is permanent and if it doesn’t work you can make change!