Hellobee

Those of you who have been around Hellobee for a while may know that my years so far as a parent have not been all sunshine and roses. Complicated pregnancies, the death of my mom, health complications for myself and both of my children, and a host of other challenges have kept us on our toes for the better part of the last 5 years.

This time last year, I felt like all of the life had been sucked out of me, and I was starting to doubt whether it was ever going to come back. I was floating dangerously close to serious depression, and I spent most of my time crying, yelling, or some combination of the two. I was drained. Completely and totally drained.

So I decided that 2016 was going to be the year I pushed pause and caught my breath. I jokingly referred to this as my “Oxygen Mask” year, but this analogy ended up being quite perfect. I literally felt some days that I could not breathe, and if I stood any chance of surviving this whole motherhood thing I had to make some changes. In 2016 I was able to do just that.

If I have learned anything since becoming a mom, from my own experience as well as the other moms I know, it is that self care is as critical as the air around us. Nurturing takes so much work, especially in these early days. If we don’t make the time to take care of ourselves first, there will be nothing left for us to give to those around us. These two crazies need a happy healthy mom, and I am the only one that can give that to them.

This past year was not without its challenges. In fact, I would say we had almost as many this year as any other. But this year was different, because most of the time, when I felt myself coming unglued I was able to take a step back, remember to breathe (both figuratively and literally) and come out on the other side intact.

So, I thought I would share a few of the things I worked on this year that have made a profound difference for me. I am far from perfect in any of these areas, but I figure a step in the right direction is progress.

1) Rethinking my work arrangement – I began my motherhood experience as a SAHM, but over time realized that it really wasn’t a good fit for me. This time last year I accepted a part-time position and the kids both started part-time at daycare. Throughout the year my hours increased, and in October I took the offer to go full-time. Neither situation is perfect, but I am much happier now than I was before. I know that changing work situations isn’t possible for everyone, but it is worth considering if you aren’t happy with your current arrangement, whatever that may be.

2) Spending time with Mr. Lion – This year we tried to make it a priority to spend time together doing things we enjoy. We don’t have family to watch the kids, but we have a few trusted babysitters who can handle longer chunks of time. We did some hiking, went kayaking, and even went away for a couple short weekends out of town.

3) Spending one on one time with my kids – Having two kids under 3 is exhausting, and taking both of them out to do something fun was often disappointing. It always felt so hard that I questioned why I even left the house, and it almost never turned out to be the fun experience I had expected. But after taking two out, taking just one feels like a vacation! I tried much harder to try to do things this year with just one child at a time so that I could really focus on them and enjoy us being together.

4) Leaning into my faith – Faith looks different for everyone, but for me this means trusting that all things can be used for good and that God is with me through whatever challenges I face. When things start to feel overwhelming, I have learned to lean on those beliefs. I try to make sure I can sneak away for a little while to read an encouraging book, call a friend, or listen to music that has special meaning for me and gives me strength.

5) Identifying my triggers – This one was huge for me this year. I realized so much about myself as I started to really look at the things that made me rage-y. I discovered that loud noises really get under my skin (and with a 3-year-old who happens to be an auditory sensory seeker, this was a huge mismatch). They still bug me, but now that I know it is a trigger I can be a bit more sensitive. When I notice my blood starting to boil I can calm myself down much faster now that I know more about myself and the way I react. For me another trigger is not getting enough sleep, so I had to make some sacrifices to make sure I get to bed early each night.

6) Seeing a therapist – Sometimes you just need an impartial person to help you process the hard stuff, and this proved to be so beneficial for me. I was fortunate to not struggle with any clinical depression, but I did have some things to work through. Carving out time (and money) for this was difficult, but so worth it.

7) Spending time alone – As much as I love being around people, I also really need time to recharge alone. At first, when I started working I thought that would be enough, but it wasn’t. So once a week, Mr. Lion picks the kids up from school and handles the evening routine, and I go meet a friend for coffee, or go for a long walk, or just run errands by myself. This time is so rejuvenating for me. I look forward to it every week. I also recognized around the anniversary of my Mom’s death that I really needed a longer chunk of time alone to process everything that had happened, so I went away by myself for a night so that I would have the time I needed. Through all of this, I have really had to let Mr. Lion support me and do more than his “fair share” in some circumstances. For a long time I felt guilty because even though I offer, he rarely takes this kind of time himself. I had to accept that he might not need this time to recharge, but it is okay that I do.

8) Prioritizing health – This year I finally went to my doctor and told her that something just didn’t seem right. Turns out that my thyroid condition was actually autoimmune, and there were lots more things I could try to improve my health. I saw an endocrinologist who was able to help me narrow down the root cause of some of my health struggles, and I feel SO much better! I have also learned that for me to feel my best I have to get enough sleep, eat as healthfully as possible, and try to exercise when I can, so prioritizing these things has become very important to me.

9) Seeking community – For a long time I felt very isolated as a parent, and I realized if I was going to feel differently I was going to have to make some changes. Seeing friends is still really hard with two little kids, and I have a long way to go with this one still (my goal for 2017!), but I was more proactive this year about keeping in touch with friends, both in person and through text and Facebook.

10) Letting go of (some) expectations – My biggest struggle has always been my need to do things perfectly and to never make a mistake. Unfortunately, that need doesn’t mesh well with motherhood. Doing my best is still important to me, but I am learning to let things go. Right now there is a counter covered in dishes because the dishwasher is full and I don’t feel like hand washing them. There are at least 3 loads of laundry that need to be folded, but they aren’t going to be because I am sitting here writing to all of you, and then I am going to bed. There will always be more laundry. There will always be more dishes. The tasks of running a household will never ever be done. So, there’s no need to mentally degrade myself for that. I can be a good mom, even with a sink full of dishes.

In all of these areas, I still have a lot to learn and a lot more room to grow. But slowly I am finding that when I take the time to take care of myself, I am far more capable of taking care of the people I love. Some of these may work for you, and some may not. But either way, I hope you can all find a way to make time for some radical self-care. You deserve it too, Momma!

What about you? Have you found any creative ways to make self-care a priority?