I got married when I was only 24 years old to the guy I was dating right out of college. My older sister and two best friends got married at 31 and 32. And another best friend turning 35 is getting married this year. Our life stages were all over the place. I am really lucky that everyone was supportive and kind through all my different life stages, but I think it’s interesting how your friendships change with fluctuating life stages.
First, marriage. Looking back, I don’t think it’s that big of a difference to hang out with someone who has a boyfriend versus a husband. But back in our 20’s, it seemed so important. I was always labeled “the married one.” Other people got married and had kids immediately, which then put them in a completely different category. It seemed “normal” to get married and have kids about 2-3 years afterward. But it took us 7 years to figure out we wanted to start having kids.
Secondly, kids. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about how kids ruin friendships simply because you can’t understand where the other person is coming from. While one friend still wants to party and go on weekend trips to Vegas, the other friend can’t find a babysitter who can manage the kids and quite honestly, doesn’t feel like doing that kind of thing anymore. I remember before kids I would think, “What’s the big deal? Just get a sitter!” Now I realize it’s not that easy to find a qualified person who is able to take care of your kids. Not only that, you’re pretty much pooped most of the time. You may not have the funds or the time to find someone, or maybe your kids are picky about who watches them. There can be so many variables I never considered before becoming a parent myself.
I now find myself spending the most time with people who are conveniently close to me but also have the same age kids. I had no idea that was such a big deal! Even a year or two makes a difference with schedules and play activities. The clan of women I often see and share a group chat with all have kids who are only 2-3 months apart from Baby Pencil. Since we are in the exact same stage of life, it has become really easy for us to be close.
I was thinking about these things because I just found out that I can’t make my best friend’s wedding, since baby #2 is going to be due at the same time. It was really hard for my friend to accept, even though there was no way I could go to a destination wedding at 38 weeks nowhere near a hospital. We both lamented the fact that I was not going to be there for such a once-in-a-lifetime event.
I will be married almost 10 years with 2 kids by the time my best friend gets married, and the timelines of our lives have panned out differently. My friends that were parents didn’t blink an eye when I told them I couldn’t make a friend’s wedding due to the baby being born. But my non-parent friends identified with the bride’s disappointment. I think it’s good to acknowledge that we can’t understand another person’s life stage and circumstances, and we should treat them with all the understanding of the world. The “mom” in me is more compassionate and profusely apologetic for not being able to make it.
There’s a new reality in becoming a parent. I’ve stopped feeling hurt or annoyed at the usual things. Maybe I’m just too tired or have seen too many babies being born to feel snappy anymore. I feel like I’ve better learned the ability to step into someone else’s shoes, and be understanding in ways I hadn’t been before. That compassion and sympathy I have for Baby Pencil… I want to have that for every person!
Motherhood really shook me to my core. Maybe it was a good thing?
Did anyone else have issues regarding conflicting life stages? How did you deal with them in a graceful and loving manner?
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
Thanks for posting this! I’ve had similar dilemmas with weddings. I missed two of my cousins’ weddings because I was pregnant with my first and had a high-risk pregnancy that ended up with me on bedrest. Yet for non-parents, or even people who were parents with adult children, it was hard for them to understand. This year, I’m missing my best friend’s wedding which I’m devastated about and am missing it for a variety of reasons, one of which is the incredibly high cost of getting to Santorini (not the only reason, of course), which is hard to swing given that we have two kids in daycare. It is truly one of those things you don’t understand until you actually have kids of your own!
grape / 87 posts
My best was married ten years before me and her oldest child is 9 years older than mine. My oldest baby and her youngest are really close in age. Looking back I realize I bought her kids loud and obnoxious toys, but I tried to be understanding about her schedule conflicts. I live far away. I definitely think having one child the same age has really helped us to connect. I have a new admiration for her now that I see what it takes to be a parent.
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@Mrs. Dolphin: oh my goodness, definitely cannot make Santorini! I would imagine that would be so difficult on so many levels. And being on bed rest is suuuuper sucky but totally not understandable if you have no idea what that means. Sucks that you can’t make it but I feel ya…!
@Megatherium: you’re so nice to even have given your friend’s kids gifts! I’m sure giving the “wrong” kind of gift isn’t such a bad thing! But I also have a lot of respect for moms who did this long ago and suffered alone quietly while we had no idea !