Hellobee

I have a secret: I am a fraud. From the outside, it looks like my life is organized and I have everything under control. Other parents, friends, family sometimes comment that I’m a great mom. My boss, my colleagues and co-workers often compliment my work. I am asked to speak on certain topics of law, sometimes even giving the keynote speech, and write articles or book chapters. Some people even refer to me as an expert in my field (a title that I truly hate). But really, it’s all a facade and I am a huge fraud.

I had never heard of impostor syndrome until I read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, but as soon as I did, it was like a lightbulb went off. Other people think this way too? I’m not the only one who feels like an impostor? As soon as I mentioned impostor syndrome to my husband, he immediately said, “That is so you.” My husband has been my biggest supporter over the last dozen or so years and so he knows better than anyone that I tend to diminish my accomplishments because of a deeply rooted belief that I simply have everyone fooled into believing that I’m competent.

Sandberg noted that she once attended a ceremony where the speaker:

explained that many people, but especially women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made. Despite being high achievers, even experts in their fields, women can’t seem to shake the sense that it is only a matter of time until they are found out for who they really are — impostors with limited skills or abilities.

Pretty much all my life, I have felt like an impostor. No matter what accomplishments I’ve achieved, awards I’ve been given, or praise that has been shared with me, I always have this nagging feeling that I’m a huge impostor that is going to be exposed at any moment. When someone turns to me for expertise in the area of law I practice, I try to project confidence when I advise and counsel, but even after lots of research and experience, I still can’t help but think, “Is the moment that everyone is going to realize I’m a huge fraud and I know nothing?” I’ve always worked very hard, in part because I’m terrified that someone will figure out I’m a fraud. I spend hours prepping for simple presentations because I want to make sure that I know so much more than I need, just in case.

After I became a mother, I realized that impostor syndrome wasn’t relegated to academics or my career. Oh no, impostor syndrome sneaks up on motherhood, too. Sometimes, I’ll share an anecdote about the kids with a coworker and she’ll comment that I’m a good mother, and I instantly think, “Oh, I’m a terrible mother, but at least I’ve fooled her into thinking I’m competent.” Part of me thinks that impostor syndrome infiltrating my parenting life was inevitable; I seem to be programmed to notice and analyze every flaw and mistake. For years, I was certain I didn’t want children — ever — because I was convinced I would be a terrible parent.

Even with all my parenting anxieties, I sure am glad to have these silly little ones.

Here are some of the ways I’ve felt like an impostor parent over the last three years:

• When Lion was an infant, some of the daycare teachers commented that they noticed that Lion (and, later, Panda) always had home-cooked meals for lunches and snacks. I smiled in response, but thought about how they were just leftovers and so much cheaper (and just as easy to put together) than fruit pouches. Of course, that comment increased the pressure to make sure I was sending nutritious home-cooked food.
• While I do generally cook for my family every night (mostly because I love cooking), there are evenings where I feed my kids hummus, grilled cheese and tomato soup, or bagel pizzas for dinner. But, of course, that’s not something I’m about to advertise on my Facebook page.
• I barely breastfed or pumped. I lasted something like maybe 9 weeks with Lion and 14 weeks with Panda and I was done. I have always supplemented with formula. And yes, I recognize that fed is best, but I still felt like a huge fraud every time I mixed up a bottle of formula with Lion or went to put bottles of formula in the fridge at daycare, right next to the child who had four bottles of breastmilk sealed in a gallon-sized ziploc bag.
• My children are, thus far, really polite. Lion says please, thank you, you’re welcome and excuse me, usually unprompted. His teachers have always commented on how polite he is. Panda’s very first word — before Mama or Papa — was “please.” His fourth word (also before he could name his family members)? Thank you. Of the twenty or so words he now has, he also acquired “you’re welcome” and “excuse me.” I am irrationally proud of this, because I know that this has very little to do with our parenting skills and much more to do with the really awesome toddler teacher at their daycare.
• Lion and Panda are truly the best of friends. They cry when the other one is not around, the transition to two separate daycares has been really hard on both of them, and they are constantly finding ways to play together, holding hands and warming my heart with their brotherly love. People always comment on how awesome it is that they’re so close, but although it is something we try to promote, I know that their personalities and birth order are largely responsible for their bond. Lion is always interested in babies, is empathetic and caring, worries about others and is a great big brother. Panda, as the younger brother, idolizes Lion and constantly wants to be with his big brother.
• My house is a disaster. I usually do manage to keep the toy clutter contained, but the adult clutter? Not so much. Even after applying Marie Kondo’s wisdom to our home and decluttering in a massive way, our home feels like a mess. At any given time we have mail and papers stacked on the table, a canvas bag with dry goods hanging out in the kitchen, jars and bottles for recycling on the kitchen counter, one (or more) of the kids’ water bottles in the middle of the floor.
• More than once, a friend will comment on my seeming ability to do it all, or have it all. I work full-time, I have several side gigs, and post cute pictures of weekend adventures with the kids. But the truth is, I know just how much is falling through the cracks, how little I get to proofread the things that I send out, the fact that I count down the minutes to naptime on the weekends. Sometimes, I want to scream, “It’s all a facade! I’m a total fraud!”
• Colleagues have admired how quickly I returned to work, how I managed projects even while on maternity leave, and teased me about how I was still responding to work e-mails or finishing citations on an article during labor with both of my kids. I feel like one of the products of impostor syndrome is drive that comes from a place of fear. I was afraid of taking too much time off of work. I was afraid that with too much distance, without me there to cover for me, I’d be exposed. So I work hard so that my flaws will remain hidden.

Although this post is full of insecurities, I can at least acknowledge that I do work hard. I strive to do my best and I work really hard, often because I think it’s the only way to keep up (or at least enough to hide my flaws). While I’m proud of how hard I work, I have to admit that it can also be really exhausting!

I don’t have any wisdom on overcoming impostor syndrome. Reflecting on my inadequacies, however, including my inability to stop the self-criticism and fear, makes me think about whether I might pass along this self-doubt to my kids. I know that women are more likely to be affected by impostor syndrome, but men can experience it, as well and it’s something I don’t want for my children. I want my children to trust their opinions and have a healthy level of self-confidence. I struggle with perfectionism (more on that in a different post) and hope that my kids understand that while it is good to have goals and strive to be better, internalizing every flaw is probably not a healthy route.

Any other parents feel like an impostor parent? How do you deal with it? How do you try to promote self-confidence in your child and prevent impostor syndrome from rubbing off on them?