I will be the first to admit that crying is not something I handle well. Not to be dramatic or anything (I’m totally being dramatic), but a car ride with 15 minutes of straight purple faced inconsolable crying feels like a piece of my soul is dying. Listening to anyone struggle to put my son to sleep is my version of torture. Doing it intentionally through sleep training was something I didn’t think I could ever do, so hiring a gentle sleep coach seemed like the perfect plan. I read so many conflicting things on sleep training; there are so many methods, and I just really wanted my hand to be held through a process that had proven results. During our free consult, the process our coach shared seemed like something manageable for us to do. I was so happy to know that in a few weeks we would have a better sleeper and all this stress would be off my shoulders.

Well, with my heavy motivation to make naps easier and someone else able to help my son go down for a nap, I didn’t really anticipate that it would all start at night and during the night.

Based on our assessment, one of the things W is struggling with most is falling asleep independently, and going back to sleep independently with partial arousals in the night/daytime. This is most obvious with his 30 minute naps. He will usually have one decent nap in the morning, but the remainder are always too short. Right now he has negative “sleep crutches.” In W’s case these are nursing back to sleep in the middle of the night, a heavy reliance on shushing and hands on his chest, and when particularly worked up, nursing to sleep. So, based on our assessment, if we want naps to be better, we need nights to be better. We’re going to be working towards positive sleep associations that he can do himself, so he can help himself fall asleep independently and stay asleep independently.

When we met with our coach to go over the plan, she shared that we would be doing some night weaning to get him to one feed a night (starting with two for now) which would be dream feeds, so whenever W wakes up on his own, we’ll train him to go back to sleep on his own.

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She told me unfortunately there would be tears, and while they’ll be supported tears, it’s just natural for a baby to be frustrated and angry as they sort this out. It happens quickly, but it will be tough at first. She explained that research shows that that children crying with their parent present doesn’t involve the production of the stress hormone cortisol.  Only when they are left alone for 30 minutes of strong crying do they start to produce cortisol.

I’m not going to lie. I immediately wanted to throw in the towel. My stomach dropped and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t do it. Why did they all involve crying? This was a dramatic moment for me, because realistically a good percentage of W’s pre-sleep routine involves a lot of tears already.

I didn’t think I would be able to let him cry in the middle of the night. While he will have his dream feeds and not be hungry, gone are the days of feeling like the only two people in the world in the dark of the night feeding my baby back to sleep. Those wake-ups are such a love hate thing. I want him to sleep through the night, but I also wasn’t anticipating the emotions that would come with knowing he’s ready for this stage of life; that he is getting to a point where he can do it on his own.

It was then I realized that I was processing this entirely one-sidedly. Babies cry to express and communicate their emotions, and when we’re working hard on a new skill, often there are many emotions involved. I also was taking the easy way often when it came to sleep, and I don’t want to teach W that we should always take the path of least resistance, particularly when that may result in less than favourable outcomes.

I am feeling ourselves turning the page to a new chapter, and it’s just yet another indication of how fast this first year is flying by, and how quickly my baby is becoming not so much of a baby anymore. I held him today after feeding him to sleep for a nap (I am taking advantage while I can before we are into the nap training) and a tear came to my eye as I realized this was so fleeting.

This sleep training is harder for me than anyone else. It’s one of those moments as a mother where you have to let go for your child to teach them a valuable skill. I haven’t ever been a great sleeper, and I don’t want that for W. I want him to be able to sleep well and anywhere. I was holding on for my benefit more than anything, and I see now I’m going to have to suck it up and for him and his development.

He can’t stay my baby forever (sob).