Seriously. This wasn’t in any of the parenting handbooks I read. I mean, I get why my baby books wouldn’t tell me. But, hey, Janet Lansbury, you could at least MENTION that one of those behaviors that you’d really like to ‘not let your three-year-old do’ is MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WAKINGS. I thought the worst was over. I was beginning to think I could do this whole not-get-sleep-at-night thing again because, hey, squishy baby to enjoy!
Preschoolers who wake up at 3 am are not squishy and cuddly. They are demanding and relentless and cannot be reasoned with, cajoled, or forced to sleep. I can’t pick Will up and try one of the four S’s – shushing, swinging…and I’ve forgotten the other two.
The first night Will woke up at 2 am and didn’t go back to sleep until 6 am. I chalked it up to a fluke, an anomaly, a crazy happening. (Well, after I hyperventilated, and the swooping anxiety from my postpartum days flashed scenes of endless sleepless nights before my eyes.) It would be fine! Just a hiccup. We’d had nearly two years of blissful sleep, enjoyable bedtimes, with the normal changes that come with travel and holidays.
And yet. This has persisted.
That first night, we tried the Silent Return, wherein you say nothing but return the child to bed calmly and quietly and leave again. (We legit did this, each, at least twenty times.) Then, we tried the ignore-him-as-he-sat-on-the-end-of-his-bed-as-he-swayed-and-fought-sleep method. That seemed to work.
There are so many that I found when I gave into the siren call of Google:
- The silent return: see above.
- The bribe: sticker charts, things they want when they stay in bed, etc.
- The poker chips: They get two. If they have one left by morning, they get…something they want (another variation on the positive reinforcement.)
- The lock-the-door: Will’s door locks from the inside. Even if I was like HELL YEAH, can’t do this one.
- The let-him-sleep-in-on-your-floor: I haven’t ruled this one out. I much prefer it to…
- The bring-him-in-bed-with-you: We tried this one night when I stayed at my mother-in-law’s the night before a wedding. Will’s 1 am wake up call simply became our joint middle of the night, 90-minute party. (I didn’t like this party, natch.)
- The leave-and-return: Where you slowly build up the time you are pulled away for small, boring tasks (“Oh! I left the oven one. I’ll be right back.” And then you return a minute later. “Oh! I have to go fold the laundry.” And then you come back five minutes later. Eventually, kid falls asleep.)
What we’ve finally settled into is the…drumrolll!….
- The sit-outside-his-door-until-he-falls-asleep! Yes, we have a pillow, and yes, we do it both when he wakes up at night, and at bedtime. Yes, it’s exhausting, and, no, it’s not 100% infallible.
Do most people just roll with the toddler/preschool wake-ups because they already have newborns/babies not sleeping through the night? AND WHY DID IT COINCIDE WITH THE KID TURNING INTO A JERK DURING THE DAYTIME TOO?
Le sigh. My only comfort is that nearly every other parent I’ve talked to is like YEP, THIS IS A THING. And it ebbs and flows. And new, fun, unpleasant things come as they get older. I’m so excited!
In all seriousness: commiserate with me. What tactic do you use, ye olde wise parents of preschoolers?
guest
Our baby is already in bed with us, so my husband goes and sleeps in our preschooler’s twin bed with her. If she’s really upset, he will walk her or get her a glass of milk. It can be rough. She never consistently slept through the night though.
persimmon / 1095 posts
Use a door monkey and it locks the door. We did this when he got his twin bed.
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
Oh my goodness! I’m so grateful to hear it’s not just my child. Lion’s a few weeks older than Will and the night wakings have been terrible lately. Lion’s never been a great sleeper, but it has been ridiculous lately. We’ve been crashing on the floor in his room, but are definitely getting tired of that and don’t know what to do. If you figure it out, please please please let me know because we are exhausted!
guest
AHHHH. Yes. 3.5 was the thick of it for us. We went with a combo of sticker chart/for at the foot of our bed. I was so frustrated because bedtime turned into a disaster which meant we adults had exactly zero time to do all the stuff adults need to do much less want to do. I felt like I was giving more of myself to my child than I had as a newborn and he seemed to need/want more. It was not pretty. And like you said it meant poorly rested kids and adults which led to more grumpiness during waking hours.
guest
Our secret weapon was to put a baby gate in her doorway. That way, the door is still open, she can hear and see us, but can’t leave the room. Combined with a colored light for wake-up time and a reward for waiting until the light.
honeydew / 7504 posts
When D started doing it, we tried to put him back to bed, and it would just result in a 1-2 hour struggle/fight/crying fit and eventually one of us would give up and he’d either finally fall back asleep in his room or he’d come into our bed. I was also getting up to nurse the newborn, so my sleep was precious, so I’d wind up downstairs on the couch while he and my husband slept in our bed. After about a week of it, I said enough, and laid out a sleeping bag on the floor of our bedroom. I told him he can come into our room if he wants to, but he has to sleep on his special bed and – unless he needs something or is scared or sad – he can’t wake up Mommy and Daddy. A year later, he’s still coming into our room most nights, blankie and blanket dragging behind him, and putting himself to bed on his sleeping bag. I don’t even know he’s there until I wake up in the morning. Is it perfect? No. But it works. And he won’t be doing it forever. Most of the parents I’ve talked to said it stops around 5, so we have about 6 more months of it. And if it lasts longer than that, oh well. He’s not going to be in high school still sleeping on our floor. RIGHT?!?!?!?!
pear / 1547 posts
We use an OK to wake clock. That way she has a signal of when she can come get us. If she wakes up early the rule is just that she has to stay in her room (unless it’s an emergency). It took a little training but now it works great! She even tells her babies that are napping that they need to stay asleep until their “clock turns green.”
grapefruit / 4187 posts
We are religious about the okay to wake clock with our almost 4 yo. Last summer he woke FOR THE DAY at 3:30/4am every day. And we had a newborn. So the clock was enforced consistently for a full year before it finally started to work. This morning he woke at 4am and actually stayed in his room and did not scream for us (!!). Huge win.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
@MenagerieMama: We did that too. It works! The other thing was advice from coworker who said to tell LO “you are playing tricks. It is time to sleep. I want you to stay in bed.” Worked like magic. There are a few caveats, like being sick or using the bathroom, but she didn’t take advantage of it.
guest
For everyone saying the ok to wake is strictly enforced can you elaborate on how you strictly enforce this at 4 am? Because we attempted but he knew his autonomy and volume and it was nearly a miserable power struggle. This question also goes for those who strictly enforce eating vegetables and other things which require cooperation
cherry / 176 posts
Oh my gosh, I feel for you. I wish I had a magical solution, but it’s just so hard. My kid is fighting sleep like crazy at bedtime, getting up to “pee” (sit on potty, no pee) a million times before he falls asleep way too late and then is super cranky the next morning. I don’t have any ideas you haven’t heard of or thought of, only encouragement to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself as much as you can!
cherry / 141 posts
We are thankfully out of this phase (hopefully forever) but it was NOT fun at all. We tried alot of the tactics but we actually put a queen size bed on the floor in her room and both my husband and I slept there for a month or two (I can’t remember anymore). She won’t sleep if she’s in the bed with us but she was happy if we were in the room with her. We then implemented a nightlight/clock. It basically shows a star and she wasn’t suppose to get up until it turned into a sun. She still uses it now and she just turned 5. Best purchase ever. We also did stickers for staying in bed all night.
kiwi / 625 posts
Amber – yes and yes to both of your comments! Especially the second – how do you enforce it with a child who knows all he has to do is raise his voice (aka threat to wake the baby) – my kid doesn’t give a F at two am. stickers mean NOTHING. Clocks mean NOTHING!!
pear / 1767 posts
We were doing great until the new baby came. Throughout the preschool years, we used an extra tall gate and a stoplight clock that told him when it was ok to wake. Flash forward to him being 4 and a new baby entering the house and now we end up sleeping with him or him sleeping with us. The change came about because the baby would wake everyone and now when he has his middle of the night fits, he knows the one way to make us really mad is to wake the baby. Also, sleep is precious with a newborn so we have surrendered the fight. Bribing doesn’t work… he has the clock and blatantly disregards the red light. He’s 5 now and claims to be legit scared of bad guys. Ugh. I can’t wait to sleep again uninterrupted.
guest
We used the gro clock. It has a cute book you read and explains that you can’t get out of bed until the sun comes up. It was expensive but worth it. I didn’t think it would work but it did.
pea / 9 posts
We use the clock system and we keep a couple books in his bed and if he wakes before his clock is yellow he needs to stay in bed and read quietly. The only exception is the bathroom but he’s good about going and getting back in bed.
My kid has been a challenged sleeper from the start though so this stage hasn’t been much of a change.
guest
We did the silent, calm return approximately 4000 times. I did it for literally 2 hours straight the night I brought our second home from the hospital. We did it for days, and nothing.
A few mornings later, our toddler silently scaled the crib, left her room, and was going to leap the safety gate at the top of the 2nd floor stairs. Luckily I had been up nursing the baby and heard the pitter patter of little feet. We quickly put a safety lock on the inside door handle (google childproof door handle) so that she could no longer open the door from the inside. Effectively, we locked her door. It wasn’t pretty (LOTS of crying, hers and mine), but it was better than what could have been if our 2.5 yo had fallen down a flight of wooden stairs or god knows what else.
Other things: We found that our LO got out of bed less from a twin bed than from a toddler bed. I think it just being slightly more difficult to climb down helped us out.
We used sticker rewards and the ok to wake clock, but those didn’t help until we had some basic level of cooperation.
Also, yes the kid is totally being a jerk because he is sleep deprived and so are you.
blogger / apricot / 310 posts
@Michelle, Amber, Violet, Nikki and Mary: Thank you all for chiming in and sharing! The solidarity of simply not being alone in this…
@Mrs. Toad: oh, i’d never heard of this! I don’t think Will would stand for being locked in now that he has had ability to move in and out of his room, but I’ll keep it in mind for any future kids! thanks!
@Mrs. Dolphin: Dude, RIGHT. We are sometimes sleeping outside his room/in the hallway and…it’s bearable but NOT sustainable. If we find an answer… I’ll report back. Good luck to you!
@littlebug: Right! I actually like this idea, and may be our next step. Honestly, it’s the disruption to our sleep (and his, of course) that is most frustrating.
@MenagerieMama, @Modern Daisy, @Grace, @DaisyDreamer: so, my clock friends: does it work, even at 2 in the morning? I like the autonomy/owning your own sleep aspect of the clock! thanks for sharing.
Thank you ALL so much for chiming in – it’s weird how it can feel so smooth and wonderful…until it doesn’t. Good luck to all still in depths of it as we are!