I am no stranger to pregnancy loss, having experienced three miscarriages in a row between my two kids. I’ve been aware of October 15 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day since before my own experience with PAIL, but after I became someone on the other side of it, the day held personal meaning instead of being an opportunity to show support to friends.

Two years ago we lit our candle for the wave of light and I opened up about our first miscarriage on social media. At the time I was pregnant again and so I felt like I’d already moved on —  and when I lost that pregnancy I ended up grieving for both. Last year’s PAIL awareness day was bittersweet; we were expecting A within months, and everything was going well and I was thankful to be carrying him, but I still mourned for what we lost, and I still felt a lot of anxiety owing to pregnancy after loss.

Light

I briefly toyed with the idea of trying to get some kind of community PAIL event off the ground last year. One thing that had, and still has, helped me through loss is using it to help others, to better the world around me in some way — to make it worth something. But I was too raw last year. I couldn’t handle the thought of being the face of loss in my small town and felt too vulnerable to put myself out there in such a public way.

Since then, a women’s group in town has formed a pregnancy and child loss support group, for which I am so thankful. I haven’t actually attended the group — I don’t think it would be appropriate to bring A, and it’s during the day so I don’t have childcare, plus I am generally feeling emotionally solid without needing support — but my heart is happy that the group exists for people who are feeling like I was, over the past two years.

A few weeks ago they announced that they’re holding a community PAIL event and I immediately signed up. We will be eating dinner together, creating pinwheels for PAIL, and lighting candles for the international wave of light. I live in a very small town so this is going to be an intimate event, and while I do feel a tiny bit nervous about being vulnerable in a small group, I think the power of sharing our experiences is huge in reducing stigma and helping everyone understand that loss does matter.