Hellobee

A few months ago, our surrogate approached us asking if we were interested in going through the surrogacy journey again with her and adding to our family. She was ready to carry another baby for a couple in need, and she wanted to give us first “dibs” (to put it simply!).

To give you some background on her offer, I was strongly advised (and our surrogate is aware) that I should never carry a pregnancy again following very challenging and dangerous post-delivery complications. So if we want to bring another biological child into the world, a surrogate is the only answer for us.

There was another important factor to consider with her offer – most fertility clinics recommend against using a surrogate who has delivered more than five times. Including our baby Audrey, our surrogate has now carried and delivered four babies. So this may be her last time being a surrogate. Considering how close we grew to her, we would obviously prefer her to be our surrogate again if we decided to add to our family.

Apple picking as a family of four

We had a feeling that our surrogate would come to us with this offer, so admittedly it did not come as a shock. We had even communicated to her and to each other that we would seriously think through the decision of adding to our family once the girls hit one year old. Still, once we were actually faced with the decision, it was so challenging! Like so many of you who are faced with this decision, we had strong emotions on both sides of the equation.

Reasons to have another

The number one reason that we really considered having another baby was because we had such an amazing surrogacy experience. I’ve written extensively about how inspiring, heart-warming, and just downright special that experience was for us. The thought of repeating all of that over again was so appealing.

The other major reason that we considered proceeding was because we have two girls and the thought of adding a boy to our family was enticing.

Reasons not to have another

Against those two arguments to proceed, we had two main reasons not to proceed.

Probably the biggest reason was the financial aspect. Both Mr. Starfish and I have good careers and make decent salaries, but let’s cut to the chase – kids are crazy expensive! I distinctly remember when we finally became comfortable enough with both of the pregnancies to start looking into childcare costs. I was immediately astounded and shocked by the costs.

We have a certain image of the childhood that we want to provide to our kids, and components of that childhood are just downright expensive. We want to make sure that we have enough money to provide them with good care, strong schooling, and interesting travel and activities. I mean, I really cringe to think how much their swim classes cost each week and we’re only 17 months in here!

Strongly related to this reason was that we want to make sure that the girls receive the love and attention from us that they so very much need and deserve. If I’m being really honest, it is difficult sometimes with just two of them for me to provide what I think they need each day.

Both of these points – financial and attention – are magnified when you add a surrogacy pregnancy into the picture. For starters, surrogacy is expensive and the funds that would go toward the surrogacy experience would have to come from other potential uses. In addition, although I’ve mentioned how amazing the surrogacy experience is, it also naturally involves several additional aspects and many different people than a typical pregnancy. The attention that those aspects and people would need would likewise have to come from elsewhere, and my concern is that it would come from attention the girls deserve.

The decision

In the end, we decided not to proceed with another pregnancy. It really felt heavy and final when I relayed our decision to our surrogate. She was completely understanding and supportive of our choice to maintain our family with just two children. She has always wanted what is best for us and for the girls. And that is exactly what we love about her and why she is so special to us.

The extra element

As I was thinking through my decision, there was also an element that I’ll label “gut feeling.” When I thought about our surrogate and her strong desire to help in this special and unique way, I concluded that her work with us was done. And I kept going back to the fact that she wanted to help another couple if we were done, and the thought of this unknown couple kept springing to my mind.

Shortly after we made our decision, our surrogate let us know that she had been matched with a new couple, also living here in Chicago. We had dinner with the new intended parents shortly thereafter and relayed our awesome experience with our surrogate to them.

As I looked in their eyes, I recognized the hesitant optimism that is so often ingrained in the eyes of those who have tried and waited years to meet their baby. And in that moment, I really felt that our decision was the right one.

We raised a glass to our surrogate’s new set of intended parents and their upcoming journey, and my heart felt so full as I thought of all the joy and love that these two will soon feel as our beloved surrogate brings another miracle into this world. And I smiled so, so widely as those four glasses clinked.