Hellobee

If you can see me reading this… I’m nodding along with you all the way… down to your list and being the “mean” parent. My husband is a very active parent and contributor to household stuff, but yet, I do feel I carry the mental load for 80% of the stuff in our house. My kids see me as the one with the answers. I, too have a son and daughter and I want them to see a balanced household/marriage model. I personally think by carrying 80% of the mental load and being the one with all the answers, it undermines my husband’s authority/role as the head of our household. Would love to hear ways others address this issue….

I keep a spreadsheet on my google drive just so I can have it in case I need it for examples HAHAHA. I’ve copied it below.
(d) = daily, (w) = weekly, (semi-) = twice a – , (bi-) = every other – , (m) = monthly, (y) = yearly
ME
(w) all laundry
(bi-m) packing for trips
(bi-w) cleaning house
(2/d) feeding/letting dogs out in am/pm
(d) cooking
(d) dishes
(d) clean up
(m) scheduling/cancelling/calling for appointments
(w) paying bills
(d) opening mail
(d) putting at least one kid to bed
(semi-w) kid baths
(d) diaper changes
(d) packing daycare bags
(d) daycare drop off
(d) daycare pick up
(y) Scheduling vet care
(bi-m) Ordering dog medicine and buying dog food
(d) Meal planning and cooking
(m) Buying clothes for the entire family
(m) Birthday gifts, christmas gifts
(y) Halloween costumes
(semi-y) Planning birthday parties
(semi-y)Teacher gifts
(y) Wedding gifts
(semi-y) Daycare forms
(y) Planning travel
(m) Purging outgrown toys and clothes
HUSBAND
(semi-d) loading wood stove
(bi-w) mowing lawn
(m) plowing driveway
(m) shoveling the decks
(w) dropping off at daycare
(w) picking up at daycare
(w) grilling
(m) cleaning garage
(semi-m) car maintenance

@RonjaL7: i added more to my list after seeing what was on yours and it was missing from my list too!

@Mrs. Bee: I did the same with your list! haha

OMG, yes! The mental load is RIDICULOUS! And even when I tried to offload some stuff to Hubs, he just didn’t do them and then was all “When you have to tell me more than once!” THE WHOLE POINT OF ME OFFLOADING IT TO YOU WAS SO THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU TO DO IT!!!!!

@RonjaL7: My list is pretty similar to yours, except we don’t have any pets. But I ALSO contribute to lawn mowing/snow blowing, do my own car maintenance (and have to remind Hubs to do his).

Hubs main things are: Weekday mornings + daycare drop-off, dealing with his own bills (car loan, car insurance, student loans), emptying the dishwasher…

I should write this all out for Hubs, because he seems to think we share the burden equally because we care for the kids the same amount of time, but there’s all the behind the scenes stuff that I’m the only one doing!

HAHAHA. Yes to all of the above.

However, mine is at least responsible for all outdoor stuff (lawn, hedges, leaves, snow and cars) as well as all renovations. He does 80% of daycare drop off and pick up (mind you I need to leave an outfit out for LO everyday the night before and make sure he has all his gear at daycare already) and does wash his own laundry, towels, and the LOs laundry (I do have to fold and put away). He also does all his own bills and the household bills.

The other thing he is in charge of is buying all the toys…although this one is his choice because he spends hours researching and then ordering toys, so much so that he is not allowed to buy any toys for 2018 because he is spending so much money.

I also feel like some of the other stuff, like planning ahead/running a household and day to day care of a child, to be honest I am just not sure if he could do it. He’s an IT analyst so like some engineers he can be a bit special about some things (like don’t buy new clothes until his are literally falling apart). I am pretty OCD so I like doing all that organizing stuff. So while it is exhausting I don’t mind it.

I also however have made it a point since our little guy was born to mandate that mom gets to go workout every day while dad watches the baby. So I do more of the organizing of the household, but it’s a tradeoff.

I think it’s really only a mental load if the person managing it isn’t happy with the split.

We used to be this way, and then I just stopped doing things. A few examples…I let the dishes pile up, let the laundry stay dirty, let the mail pile up, only buy gifts for anyone who I would feel bad about not getting one for (i.e.- my sister, his parents, his brother – nope, shrug).
Now, he does laundry, dishes and mail (among others – these are just examples). I don’t feel bad about it and he is the one to prompt that we take 20 minutes each night to clean together. It works for us.
Last week he emailed me a recipe suggestion for dinner! And we made it!

A million times yes!!!! I am responsible for 95% of the household. I don’t think my husband understands how much is going through my brain at all times. And now with our oldest in school that has just increased.

I saw the comic a while ago and tried to get DH to read through the whole thing but of course he lost interest haha.

I think that even though we both have our territories of what we manage, the point is that this goes way beyond. My wheels are seriously spinning day and night over this stuff! I feel like DH understands to a certain extent but he really will not unless I’m gone and the mental load is on him (and still prob won’t feel the full effect b/c he will prob just let half the list go haha!)

My husband does a lot of chores around the house, maybe even the majority as he says, but the mental load falls almost 100% to me. I don’t mind, and actually prefer to be the one to do those things. I do wish he appreciated it more though. He has much more of an easygoing personality, and those things just don’t seem all that important to him. If I didn’t do them, a lot of them wouldn’t get done, but he wouldn’t really mind. In his point of view, it’s just me “worrying” too much about things.

When I read my first article or post about mental load last year, it was like something clicked. For me it especially effects my ability to carry out single tasks, and it is an anger trigger. There was one part of I think the same article you highlighted, showing a woman at a check out line at the grocery store with snowballing thoughts. For me, I don’t just have to put away the laundry. I have to put away the laundry while assessing if the kids are growing out of a size, shifting those clothes into the “too small bin,” and making a mental list of the new items we need to purchase. I hate that so many of the things that most contribute to the mental load are invisible: the clothes are in drawers and closets, the meal planning is on a piece of paper, the doctors appointments are on/in my calendar, etc. etc. My husband will also talk about allll the things he did if he does household chores and I’ve started to not respond because hey, I do that every day while also working full time. I feel like dad’s/husbands often get a pat on the back when they “help out around the house,” and am enraged that we are just expected to do it. I’ve never gotten a “thanks for doing the laundry,” but if my husband does it I thank him. I’ve been much more cognizant recently about not thanking him for doing things I shouldn’t have to ask him to do. And having to ask him to do things is my biggest anger trigger. My husband works a ton of hours and he is very helpful and a fantastic dad, but he’ll say to me “Well just tell me what needs to be done and I’ll do it.” No! That’s adding to my mental load! And to top it off, we are expected to do all of this while excelling at our careers. Men have gotten an out for so long, because they are the bread winners and need to concentrate on work. News flash guys: moms work full time too so that’s no longer relevant.

All of this! My DH actually brought up the “mental load” one night after reading an article and he said that he feels guilty but he doesn’t always know how to help. I have learned to be better about specifically assigning him things but I know that is not the point.

I spend so much time thinking and planning for our household, daycare, appointments etc. I don’t know how to make it better. I feel like I’m enabling him by continuing to handle everything but if I let it go and hope he picks it up I know it will end up being even more stressful for me.

This is a really great point and an important issue to discuss. DH and I both work, and my hours are often a bit longer than his. I think our mental load is pretty well split down the middle, similar to the rest of our parenting, and one way this happened (not consciously, I don’t think) is that I kind of let the ball drop on many of these tasks!

I schedule doctor and dentist appointments, buy and manage clothes, and plan travel (which I love to do), but DH manages a lot of the things on your list – laundry, making school lunches, school forms, scheduling and taking kids to haircuts – and we split a lot of them (food buying, cooking, gifts, mail/bills). With the groceries, I would just be bad about putting in Fresh Direct orders, he would need stuff for lunch prep, so he started doing it.

If everything just gets taken care of, it seems like it would take a very concerted effort to reexamine who does what. Maybe take a few of your least favorite tasks (mine would be laundry!), have a conversation, and completely hand them over, and see how that goes.

@Becky: 1000000000% yes!

I am going to send this post to all my friends with families!

This is a big thing in our house. I find it gets even more complicated because I SAH so logically more of the day to day should fall on me. DH’s schedule is not the same day to day or week to week which makes it really hard to mark something as specifically his task. But the behind the scenes type work can make me feel like I am drowning at times. I get very jealous that my husband mentally shuts down in the evening or during nap on his days off. Meanwhile I have multiple to do lists running through my head and am always running around.

I remember another poster sharing the rule of no one sits down until both can. I really liked that but it still means I have to direct DH on what to do, and that just makes it take longer.

100 TIMES YES!!! DH loves to say well make me a list. WHY??! You live here, these are your kids, you know what has to be done.

This is such a point of contention in so many relationships. I hate when people say, “Well, you have to ASK your husband to do xyz.” First of all, it is not an inherently feminine trait to be able to see a full, clean dishwasher and decide to empty it. Second, if I have to ask, I still have to think about it, and at that point I might as well just do it myself. The way I’ve explained it to my husband when he says, “Well, just tell me what needs to be done and I’ll do it,” is that I want a partner, I don’t want to be the project manager of our household.

@catgirl: I was steaming towards a meltdown the other night about this exact thing! We’d both had long days at work, he’d picked the kids up and brought them home and hopped on the computer to research buying stuff for his hobby. I get home, the kids need their diapers changed, house is still a mess, dinner isn’t ready, dishwasher needs to be emptied and I still need to pay the bills that came in the mail that has to be sorted!

After dinner, DH leans against the counter on his phone while I’m emptying the dishwasher and I just said “You know, I find it really aggravating that I see so much to do and get done and I see you having downtime. Do I not get downtime because I am the one that sees what needs to be done?”

I just laugh when he tells me to stop cleaning and take a break; he’ll do it… Sure, finish the exact thing I was cleaning and then call it good.

@codeitall: so aggravating! Especially because sure I could choose to put something off for a night but then it’s just more to do the next night. Or more things keeping me up at night.

One thing I have found to somewhat help is to point out to DH that only two adults are in this house. If he chooses not to do something around the house he is essentially making the choice I have to do it. For some reason he never thought about it like that and it opened his eyes a bit. Though only works for the stuff he notices, which unfortunately isn’t a lot.

I agree w what @beehive said about letting the ball drop. That is a classic male technique, just don’t do things you don’t want to do, and/or act like you don’t know how to do them. Obviously this is not possible for most thing to do with kids but worth trying w other less critical things.

I am also a big believer in hiring things out (like cleaning) if at all possible. Yes it’s an expense but cheaper than a divorce. If the male is the one earning more, it is a way he can “help” – by hiring someone to do his work. Of course these helpers need to be managed as well…sigh.

Lastly I am not allowing my husband to have a pet for as long as I can, I tell him I already have human puppies. If we do have a dog some day it is going ALL on his plate. I am not taking that on.

Ahhh. Thank you for the great post.

Before I was a mom, I make (very manageable) to-do lists and I check them off. After becoming a mom, the list with work, DS, and family together grows like wild weed I honestly gave up on making a to-do list, I just don’t know where to start, and I do let things slip

My list is very much like yours, but at the same time I think, at least in my household, DH also carries a big invisible load. I am overwhelmed with my own mental load, but I do appreciate what DH does for the family, and he also does it quietly on top of his work.

DH: Taxes, arranging investments/ finance, figuring out retirement, health insurance, the 529 (funding college for DS) plan, maintenance of our cars and home (eg. home insurance, calling someone to clean gutter, plumbing, air conditioning, roof, security alarm…etc. etc.), traveling (planning, booking flights, accommodation), budgeting, dropping off DS at school, keeping up with the technology in the house (WIFI, selecting TV provider, cellphone provider…etc), opening mail and paying bills. Amongst a lot of other little things. On top of him going to work.

My 5000 little items of picking up DS, arranging + registering after school programs / holiday camps, meal planning / cooking, planning weekend activities, play dates, birthday parties, buying gifts, doctor visits, halloween outfits, dishes, laundry, participating in the 200 school activities…etc. etc. on top of working are much more mundane and easy comparatively.

Unfortunately, I think it is just a fact of growing up and maintaining a family.

I was just thinking yesterday, that DH, and I believe most men, constantly had the “male burden” of having to financially provide for himself as well as his wife and family. Growing up as a woman I can’t say I have that burden ever. As a woman, I felt that I have more freedom in selecting a career that isn’t as mainstream, stable and dependable. I wonder if it would be the same if I were a guy. I feel bad for DH, and at the same time I feel sorry that DS will likely also inherit this burden in our society.

ETA: I suddenly realized I am more *fortunate* than some of you – I am not the designated bill payer and travel planner

@irene: My husband is also the designated bill payer and mail opener, but he’s also a financial adviser so it does become part of his day. But what you said about career flexibility rings very true. I have the flexibility to work at a non-profit and not make a fantastic salary, and had the flexibility to work part time for one year. This wasn’t necessarily an option for him in his field.

The house maintenance things fall to him and thus don’t get done. He has a lot of business connections he likes to refer to so it’s a game of me saying just give me the number and I’ll call and him for one reason or another wanting to not do it right then but not explaining why. It’s also hard because my dad did everything in terms of house maintenance growing up (plumbing, electrical, carpentry, etc.) and my sister and I had to help me so have experience, and my husband doesn’t always trust my opinion about what is going wrong even though it is very often right. So that’s one area I have silently taken on too: stealthily identifying the problem and fixing it myself or calling in help when needed (and between a house and rental property that’s become often).

My husband manages our rentals 100%. I’m more of an inform on time needed and $ in and out on those. I manage our house and since he currently stays home, he took on the cooking and some of the cleaning. We line up what we do more on our skills so I’m an organizer and am much more emotionally invested in cleaning (I grew up in an OCD house, he grew up in a messier house). So I do have to remind if I want him to clean other than sweep floors just because it bothers me long before he would notice it’s not clean. I schedule appointments, meal plan, do all of the deeper cleaning, etc. He does our finances (I have access and we review at least every other week), but that is what he did professionally so good at it and enjoys it. If he feels we need to save more or are spending too much in a category, he’s always done that analysis and I ask questions, review our data with him and then adhere to what we agree. So I think that helps me feel it’s more equitable. And we both feel it’s pretty equitable because we’re both doing what comes naturally for us rather than just what got dumped on us.

Add prepping docs for our taxes to the list

@RonjaL7: Haha, seriously, I need to add doing the taxes, handling the investments, handling the 529s, and handling health insurance to my list!

This article depicts it well:
http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

I think it can be helpful to have his and hers lists. But the lists miss a big component of the mental load – which is not a single task but a difference in behavior.

It is described below:
“All you have to do is ask me to put it back,” he said, watching me struggle.

It was obvious that the box was in the way, that it needed to be put back. It would have been easy for him to just reach up and put it away, but instead he had stepped around it, willfully ignoring it for two days. It was up to me to tell him that he should put away something he got out in the first place.

“That’s the point,” I said, now in tears, “I don’t want to have to ask.”

The funniest reaction I’ve heard about this article was when a mom shared it to her husband… and his immediate response was “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Which made her say… “didn’t you just read this article?!” SMH haha…..