Hellobee

It was this week last year that I found out that I was pregnant. This ended in an early loss and at the time, it shook me to my core and really messed with my head. I was desperate to be pregnant again and have my wish of three children be my reality, but Mr. Cereal just wasn’t on board at the time. Fast forward to now, and although I still think I would like to have three children, my feelings are much less intense, and my life has changed considerably in the last year. I can still feel the overwhelming grief and sadness I went through, and the feeling of being completely lost and alone, but things got better, and they also got very different. So what happened? A lot…

In the few months after the loss, I shut myself off from a lot of my life. I focused on finishing my masters degree, and Mr. Cereal and I went to a few counseling sessions together. I can honestly say that there were times that I hated Mr. Cereal and I resented the fact that he was not on board with having another baby. It was a really hard time for us. We were struggling to understand each other, I was busy trying to handle working full time, being successful in school, giving the kids enough time and attention, and slogging through each work day that I hated. It was just kind of a miserable time. But around April, things started to get better. I completed my thesis project and it was accepted, which meant that my last term of school was much less stressful, and I started to transition into a new job.

So here’s the thing, and this is something I have a really hard time with. If I had remained pregnant, if we had had a third child in October, we would not be in the place we are right now. I started my new job on October 1st after 6 months of working my way to it, and I have never been happier professionally speaking. My job is amazing, and I am happy at work. The kids are getting easier. LeLe is in school three days a week and she is becoming more and more independent. Little Bug is talking so much more, he is getting close to being potty trained, and life just seems slightly easier. Throwing a baby into that mix would have been doable, yes, but I honestly don’t think we would be where we are right now. If I am completely upfront, I absolutely would not have my current job if I had an infant right now and as messed up as this is to say, I doubt I would have even been considered for this position if I had been pregnant at the time.

Another reason I am content where we are right now is that I feel comfortable in my body. It was really hard on my body being pregnant four times in three years, and I feel like I am stable now. I feel like my body image is the best it has been in a while, and this is hard for me to reconcile with because the thought of gaining a bunch of weight and being uncomfortably pregnant is just not that appealing. Not to mention the two years after giving birth that my body is not fully my own while I am breastfeeding. I am just not sure that I want to give up the freedom I feel and that makes me feel powerful, and a little selfish. When I think about how desperately I wanted another baby at this time last year, I feel sort of badly for being happy with where I am now.

I am not completely giving up on adding another baby to our lives. We are getting close to being completely financially stable and that makes it seem possible. The kids will both be in preschool next year, which means less stress dealing with babysitters and schedules, and more freedom for me and Mr. Cereal. We’ve talked about the possibility of once Little Bug is in Kindergarten maybe having one more, when our ability to juggle a baby will be easier. And honestly, even if something happened later this year or next year, we would be fine with it. It’s just the action of deliberately setting out to try for another is not something either of us are interested in.

So here’s where we are now. In a good place, feeling confident that we are moving forward and handling life more gracefully than we were last year. I’m looking forward to the future, more kids or not. I plan on loving the two living children we have and if someday we end up with a third, then yay for us. But for now, we are going to live in the day that we are in and be happy here.