Baby C is celebrating her 5th birthday this weekend, and, as the only child, niece, and grandchild in the family on both sides, this means that our 2 bedroom condo is about to be overrun with new toys. Given our small space living, and the desire to create limits, foster gratitude, and appreciation for the privileges this kiddo has, Mr. Carrot and I have been developing an intentional approach to how we will allow for “stuff.”
When Baby C was still a baby, we tried to be very minimalist with toys in general. Most of the stuff we had in the house was what we were gifted or inherited from friends, and we tried to be pretty analog too, keeping the noisy flashy toys to a minimum. I say this with absolutely no judgement on the toys themselves – as an introvert and someone who’s not a fan of noise, noisy toys were really not my jam anyway, so the only things we really allowed were things that played music or were focused on learning, like ABCs and shapes and such. As Baby C got older and began expressing interest in things, we tried to follow her cues and direct her accordingly. Our friends and family have, thankfully, been very gracious in asking what they should get for Baby C, and we always tried to aim toward things that she was drawn to naturally. In the early toddler years, that included lots of containers to put things in and out of, blocks to stack, and early puzzles.
It was really when Baby C got into the “I want this” stage that we started to really be intentional about what we would do when she asked for something in a grocery store or Target. This approach has evolved a bit over time but we’ve been sticking to these basics:
- Allow for one thing, with restrictions, per weekend. Because Mr. Carrot and I are at work all week, our outings that may come in contact with something Baby C would want are limited to weekends. This primarily includes our grocery store, which has endless racks of books and some toys; Target, when we run household errands; and most often, this comes up when we go out to a museum or somewhere that may have souvenirs. We tend to fill up our weekends, so we know that at least 2-3X in a weekend, Baby C will be faced with temptation for something she wants. Our parameters are that she can pick one thing to buy in the entire weekend, and then we add parameters to that as well. If we’re at the grocery store, it has to be a book or a coloring/activity toy, like stickers. This is primarily to avoid the cheap plastic junk that’s constantly in grocery stores (and we tend to avoid that aisle entirely as much as we can). If it’s at Target, it has to be something from the dollar section. And if we’re out somewhere that has souvenirs, we allow for a toy, but it can’t be bigger than the length of her arm, from hand to elbow. I realize that this approach is one of great privilege, and I am fully cognizant of that, so we set these limits as a way to teach Baby C patience, reasoning, working within limits, and it’s a way for us to practice our negotiation and enforcement skills.
- Adjust for special occasions. In February, we went to Disney World for the first time with Baby C. We knew exactly how much temptation would be there for a 4 year old, so we had a discussion about souvenir rules before we even left. The rule we set was that Baby C could get one thing every day, and it had to be something small (using the elbow-hand size parameter). We reminded Baby C, when she lunged for something at the start of our day, that we could come back and pick up that thing on the way out, and that she could see more things throughout the day. This worked only sometimes, and we did have some grumbling and complaining, but overall, she was very mindful and respectful of this rule as we went through our week at the parks. Again, I recognize that this is something we can do from a place of financial comfort, but it still helps us meet our goal of controlling for how much stuff we have and for teaching Baby C limitations and thinking through her choices. A friend of mine set a rule for her daughter when they went to Disney that she could pick out one big gift (like a costume or something pricier, but only that one thing), which is another approach we’ll consider in the future.
- “Unlimited” categories. Mr. Carrot and I agreed that we are comfortable spending money on Legos, books, and puzzles early on. They are all things that we have particular love for ourselves, and believe them to be worthwhile to spend on, vs stuffed animals or things that get less play. It just so happened that Baby C is very inclined toward Legos and puzzles, and has been since early on, so we allow ourselves to buy her Legos and books that she asks for. We still enforce our limits, so she can’t get a Lego set and another toy in the same weekend (though we do allow for a toy and a book), and we guide her toward more active toys, like Legos, but we don’t put as many restrictions on Legos size and price-wise the way we do with other toys. To keep our costs reasonable, we’ve explained the Amazon phenomenon to her, so she now understands that it may take 2 days before her Legos show up because we have to order them on the phone.
- Regular clean-outs and rotations. This is an area we are still struggling with, but one that I am very set on instilling as a habit. As a selfish preschooler, it’s very hard for Baby C to give away her toys, and of course, when I remind her that she hasn’t played with that thing for months, it’s her favorite thing right away. At present, I go through all of Baby C’s toys about once a quarter, doing this while I’m at home on my own, and donate anything that she hasn’t touched in a while. I also go through and make sure that her toys are as accessible as possible, so that things don’t end up out of sight and out of mind, and I think about what she’s naturally drawn to, so that I can maximize exposure to that and put away other, less engaging stuff.
- “No gifts” birthdays. For the past 3 years, we’ve had a birthday party with Baby C with classmates from her school and our other friends, and every time, we included “no gifts please” on our invitations. We know that our parents and family will splurge on her, and we don’t want our friends to do the same, and in our area, this is a fairly common practice so no one really blinks at it. This has really helped keep “stuff” much more manageable.
As Baby C is getting older, Mr. Carrot and I are thinking about ways to start teaching her about money, and are looking at tying that into our “stuff” management rules. We’ve talked a lot with her about how lucky we are to be able to buy things when we want to, and the importance of giving to others, and we have been honest about things that are just too expensive and unreasonable, but we haven’t quite found a way to start delving into money management with her, so I’m looking forward to researching and figuring that part out. Mr. Carrot and I both grew up in very low income households, and it’s important to both of us that Baby C learn about the value of work and money management, as well as self control and restrictions. I realize that it may seem contradictory, given how liberal we are with what we buy for her, but we’re finding as Baby C is getting older, that she is internalizing these rules and limits. It’s been a marvel to watch her reason and negotiate with us over things like getting two small toys that together fit into the length of her arm (the answer is still no, only one thing, even if it’s smaller), thinking longer term about delaying gratification, and having to manage disappointment when we put our foot down on what she can’t have.
What are some of your best practices for managing “stuff”?
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
My older one is 3.5 now and it’s been great because I can finally buy toys according to her interests so I know things will get played with. For example she loves crafts and beading necklaces so I have a bunch of stuff from currently in my Amazon cart and I’m gonna clean out her craft stuff soon.
DD2 is 1.5 so she still plays with a lot of the bigger toy items but I hope to start getting rid of huge toys at home!
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
We don’t buy toys regularly. I am pretty picky about what comes into our house. That said, i blow it out on Christmas and have no shame.
They get gifts at Christmas and birthdays (I do ask for experience gifts from inlaws, and my mom often gives clothing). I usually buy a few new things before we go on vacation (for the car or at the vacation house). Oh, and a few small things at Easter.
I tend to make exceptions for art supplies. My daughter (and increasingly my son) play with art stuff constantly. We are pretty well stocked, but when stuff runs out (stickers, paper, paints, etc) I replace it.
I am sick of gifts from friends at birthdays, but I’ve got a lot of guilt about telling my daughter no gifts at her parties (because we’ve already done it). I’m just going to be trying to encourage her to move toward inviting a friend or two for an experience, rather than a big party.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Silva: it’s so interesting because for us, the opposite has worked. I find that when kiddo gets a lot of stuff all at once, like birthdays and Christmas, there’s way more of it that gets unplayed because she zeroes in on one or two things and the rest kind of take a back seat. Even this past birthday, I watched her open 3 different presents from my mom and she really only wanted to play with one, which then sets my mom into a spin about whether she’ll like the other stuff. But when we do buy occasional small toys during the regular out and abouts, she seems to be more invested in them. And we’ve been lucky because no gifts for birthday parties tends to be a big thing in our area anyway, so she hasn’t had much to compare to when it comes to seeing gifts at parties and then feeling left out.
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: We will put stuff away after birthdays/Christmas and pull it out later. I also have to say, I don’t think we buy that may toys in general. At Christmas, for my son, we got several wooden animal figures, but they were all wrapped in separate boxes. So it was like 6 presents, but they all fit in a small bolga basket and he plays with them with the toy barn. This was how it was when I was growing up and so much of the excitement for me was just being able to open so many presents!
My issue with the random toys is I know my daughter would pick a random stuffed animal or some crappy plastic thing, and they just don’t have longevity in our house- 95% of that stuff never gets pulled out again, whereas stuff like magnatiles, Legos, blocks, trains, dress up stuff has been used nearly daily for years now. But I can’t afford to buy a 30.00 lego set every weekend, nor do I want that kind of regular influx of toys (or the expectation that something new is always coming along), so we save it up for the holidays.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
We follow your first bullet point – 1 item per weekend, for the most part. Some days we may not go to the store and some days I may need to load up on stuff for LO like outdoor toys. However, seeing it written out I want to change that and indulge him less.
I put away toys I’m not really a fan of which reduces the toy clutter. We only buy things we feel really strongly about. I also practice telling him no if he picks up something in a store that I don’t want him to have.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I’m working on less indulgence too. I was very mindful of how much privilege we have here, and to @Silva ‘s point above, costs are a factor and we aren’t always as mindful of that as we should be. Now that she’s getting older, we’re looking at how to start teaching her about money management and perhaps aligning that to how we approach toys/buying things.
guest
My twins are 4 and the one thing we don’t do in order to limit stuff is your first bullet point. We never buy them stuff while shopping. If they see something they want/like, I tell them it can go on a list for their birthday or Christmas. I get them crafty / artsy supplies on my own time, and I’ll buy a few books or games before a long trip, but that’s about it. They get birthday / xmas gifts from family, but we tend to limit those as well.
The one great thing we have locally is a toy lending library, and they get to pick out a toy/game every month, with the understanding that it will go to someone else afterwards.
pomelo / 5084 posts
Thank you for your post! I love it and it sheds perspective on what others find reasonable. DW thinks I’m way too indulgent with DS when he sees a small toy and wants it when we are out but it is definitely not every weekend. Probably once a month I drag him to target with me and at the end of an hour long ride in the cart with good behavior I let him choose something from
🙄🤷♀️)!
The car aisle (bc heaven forbid he would play with anything but a car
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
So, how many toys do you clear out every quarter? If my kid had your rules, I think I’d be overrun with My Little Ponies and Disney Princess barbies.
cherry / 160 posts
That’s great you are being so thoughtful about it! It’s always interesting hearing how other families approach it. I don’t ever buy my kids toys unless it’s a holiday. If they see something they like at the store I tell them to add it to their birthday list. I feel like this eliminates a lot of whining. I will buy art supplies or outdoor toys as needed. I don’t put any restrictions on books – in my eyes no such thing as too many books!! I did “no gifts” for my daughters first and second birthday but now we do gifts – it’s fun and we usually only have about 6 friends over so it’s not terribly overwhelming.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
So I really need to work on limiting the stuff that comes into our house, because as much as I hate to admit it my mom is right that our son has more toys than all 3 of us girls ever had. Our house, which isn’t small, it overrun! I might try applying some of your techniques with my son. He is just now 2 so I think we can start working that in. Also he is the first grandbaby on both sides, so that leads to spoiling from grandparents and great grandparents.
But, the reason I had to comment was because when you said that she understands it takes a couple days because you have to order Amazon on the phone. My initial thought was why would you call and place an order for amazon?… Then I remembered that that is something our kids will never know really because you can order anything on an app on a smartphone…
tl;dr: I realized I’m old
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Grace: Surprisingly, it’s not that much. I think in part it’s because she’s got fairly narrow interests, so even though we have a ton of My Little Pony, for example, she uses them all to build pony villages and stuff like that. I try to discourage her from getting too much of the same thing, and that usually works OK, and as she’s getting older, she’s also thinking more strategically about whether she really wants something, so that’s been good. The one big area that becomes a hassle is stuffed animals and that’s where I tend to clean out and donate stuff.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Sams Mom: It’s so funny, my mom said the same thing about my daughter, but she’s also the worst culprit for buying stuff! Any time kiddo is with my mom, she ends up with so much stuff! I don’t argue about it anymore because she’s excited to buy things for her only grandchild, but it’s been really funny to hear my mom talk about all the things we’re supposedly doing wrong (watching TV at the dinner table is the other big one) and then doing it herself (turning on Disney Channel, which we don’t have, whenever kiddo is at her house and needs to sit still long enough to eat).
grapefruit / 4492 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: My mom buys practical stuff (fortunately and unfortunately). Its a huge load off the budget that she buys a ton of clothes, shoes, and diapers… BUT she has room to talk crap about or toy problem.