I know I sound a bit dramatic, but I have been dreading this day for over a year. About three years ago, my OB-GYN, who practices independently, sent a letter to inform her patients of her retirement in August 2019.  My youngest was not even a year old at the time and I remember feeling relieved and happy that the timing would work out perfectly for me to have another baby well before her retirement.

Well, life happened and so much is out of our control. It’s already been over a year that I miscarried and have been TTC. A few months after I miscarried, I anxiously called my doctor’s office to ask what month she was retiring because I had forgotten at the time. I remember even then, breathing a sigh of relief thinking that I still had time to get pregnant. I’m not sure if other women wanting to get pregnant do this, but there was always a reason I could find why the current month would be the perfect month to get pregnant: It’s my birthday. It’s Mr. Pizza’s birthday. It’s no one’s birthday. It’s the month the baby we lost was going to be born. This month was the “I have to get pregnant or else I’ll need to look for a new doctor” month. I just didn’t think I was going to face this month still wanting so badly to have a baby growing inside.

Finding an OB-GYN (or any doctor) whom you really like can be hard to find. With my first daughter, I had gone to a practice with four OB-GYN doctors. None of the doctors knew how to pronounce my name and the appointments always felt rushed. There were minor things that bothered me, but it wasn’t until after I had the baby that I realized I wanted to find a new doctor. I called the doctor asking for a prescription because I was dealing with a 104 fever with my mastitis, and I remember the doctor sounding so irritated over the phone that I didn’t have the pharmacy contact info at hand. I was happy to find a different OB-GYN who I connected with immediately and trusted. She got to know me and my family through my appointments and even the delivery was much more memorable, intimate and positive with my second child. And then she was with me during my third pregnancy and miscarriage. Even as I navigate this period of time and my struggles with getting pregnant, she has taken time to respond to my questions with kindness and reassurance.

This time has been a somber reminder that life doesn’t always go the way I planned. Recently, I was talking to my friend about my disappointments and while she shared in my sorrows, she also gave me hope that I would find another great doctor when the time was right for our family to grow. So I wait, with great hope, that day will come soon!