Last weekend, I took my 5 year old to see the Nutcracker at a local ballet school. An only child who’s constantly seeking connection, she opted to sit on the bench up front with other kids, and I a few rows behind her. Immediately, she struck up a conversation with the girl sitting next to her, and continued to chatter, in between getting up to twirl like the ballerinas.
I watched her closely throughout the show, mostly to make sure she didn’t leap out onto the stage, as she would be eager to do. But I also watched her for the chatter. Because my daughter is a talker, and at 5 and a half, she hasn’t quite mastered the social concepts of two-way conversation. She seeks to engage with anyone who’s willing – and not so willing. She wants to tell stories, share her thoughts, anything that comes to that busy brain of hers, without much pause for others.
After the show, the little girl sitting next to my daughter approached me and told me, very politely, that my daughter talked her ear off throughout the 45 minute show. It was very brave of her to say so to a stranger, and I commended her for the bravery and apologized on my daughter’s behalf. I also explained that she gets very excited about talking with others and thanked her for being so patient. My daughter, by then, ran off to show her snowman rubber ducky to all the dancers who were now meeting and greeting the kids and to answer their polite questions, without yet considering that she should ask them some too.
This was the first time someone said something about my kiddo’s chattiness, but I have been expecting it for a while. Whenever I observe this social creature of mine, I see how enveloped she gets into sharing her universe with others, I am often torn between being the engaged parent and teaching her social norms. Her dad and I have now learned to respond with lots of questions and acknowledgement when we’re at home, but we also teach her not to interrupt, and that it’s rude to talk over people or ignore it when someone else is saying something. I struggle with how to teach her that people don’t orbit around her, and that social interactions must include other people too, but doing so without squashing her excitement for interaction.
This is on my mind a lot because I grew up in a social dichotomy. My mom was, and remains, a very direct, blunt, and spirited talker who often eclipses everyone around her. She rarely asks questions of others, and her friends tend to be people who either prefer to have someone be in charge of the talking, or are powerful enough to break into her orbit with their own stories. I often perceived my mom as too direct, too blunt, and too inconsiderate, and as a result, I taught myself to be the opposite. I struggle to put myself into conversations, often letting others take the lead. I’m good at asking questions but not at keeping the conversation going. As a result, I often come off awkward and disengaged, I don’t make friends easily, and have very few people I would even call friends.
There is an irony here, because people love my mom. Some are put off by her directness, but not as many as are put off by my perceived lack of interest. She has strong friendships and connections. I don’t, and my daughter, as a result, has no village, and few friends to connect with outside of school. And so I wonder, how do I avoid creating a similar fate for my daughter? Is my perception of her social graces simply my own biased view of what’s proper social interaction, or should I be teaching her how to be more accommodating in order to function properly in society? How much of someone’s love for engagement with others is too much? Or is there no such thing as too much engagement?
From the moment she was born, I vowed that I would do everything I can to raise a child who’s strong and spirited. I want her to have no trouble asking for a raise, standing up for others, and fighting for what she wants. I want her to continue comfortably approaching people and striking up a conversation, something I still don’t feel comfortable doing as a fairly accomplished adult. I want her to have a village – friends, neighbors, a network to rely on. I truly believe that her love for connection is a critical asset that I should be fostering. I’m also afraid that she’ll keep encountering people who don’t know how to handle her, and that spirit for engagement will wither, the way I squashed mine. I know that it’s likely not an either-or scenario, and I will continue to teach her proper social manners, like not interrupting and asking questions and acknowledging when people are talking. And for as long as I can, I will not tell her that someone found her too talkative, and let her relish in connecting with others. Perhaps it’s time for me to learn something from her.
pomelo / 5084 posts
I think you’re worrying about nothing! She sounds smart and animated and engaging. She’s learning to make her village. I’d let her be her. Believe me, she’ll get “checked” by peers sooner than you’d like. I really don’t think you need to do anything to stifle her desire to engage wirh others, even if it comes off to you like she’s hogging the floor! Kids work it out amongst themselves.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I agree; that girl was brave to tell you! But maybe that’s what she’s going to morph into! I think she is till so young and she will definitely learn sooner or later to take it down a notch when needed.
pea / 12 posts
I love that you are raising a confident girl, but I am a little uncomfortable with your ultimate conclusion. I would consider giving more thought to the experience of the other little girl, who came to watch a dance performance and had someone talking and distracting her the whole time. I think that falls within the proper social manners that you do want to instill in your daughter.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Cowandpig: had I been sitting closer and saw my daughter talking so actively, I definitely would have asked her to stop. And had the girl come up to me when my daughter was nearby, I definitely would have turned it into a learning opportunity. But this all happened after the fact and I didn’t think that me bringing it up would teach her much post facto, and would more go to make her feel bad. I definitely don’t discount the other girl’s experience and that’s exactly the struggle I’m ruminating on in teaching my daughter but also not squashing her desire for connection.
guest
I have one of these talkers, too. We’ve worked through some social etiquette and since she is 7 social situations are becoming morebtwo sided. Truthfully, I lean more to the side of if someone wants you to stop, they would tell her. The girl in your story had no problem telling you-she could have moved or asked your daughter to stop chatting. Maybe she did?!? I always, and still do, speak up if I see another child give off signs they are uncomfortable, but very much put my feelings aside. It’s my job to help my daughter read social cues. That’s what’s tricky to navigate-my response vs other people’s responses.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I don’t think you have to “tame her spirit”. And you are teaching her about interrupting etc. I think the lesson you need to add is when it’s appropriate to have a conversation, that’s all. If someone is performing and where people want to pay attention – theatre, movie, ballet, etc, we don’t talk. Anyplace where it’s distracting to the performer or event-goers.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Grace: Absolutely. The tricky part for me is navigating what’s actually appropriate (like not talking during a performance) vs things I’ve decided are not appropriate based on my own upbringing, like chatting nonstop with a classmate when we’re walking out of school. Because I tend to be so reserved in my communication with others, I worry that I impose my own views on her.
grapefruit / 4361 posts
As a teacher and someone who has a tendency to definitely talk to much, I see how this definitely has a negative impact on peers in the classroom and *sometimes* a negative impact on learning. It’s definitely a tricky balance. One of my best students is asks SO many questions and makes SO many (on-topic) comments. I’m working with her right now by giving her 3 pink and 3 yellow post-its a day (one hourlong class period) and she can use them to write & share 3 questions and 3 answers. It has really transformed her communication style for the better.
guest
I totally relate. I’m starting to think it’s better to embrace who you are and be ok that some people won’t love you than to try to control that to try to be more likeable. (I am talking macro level – not trying to say you don’t teach her not to interrupt). I am like you with a mother like you and it’s made me so self concious, insecure, etc. I think I’d be so much happier if I didn’t worry so much about what other people think (I’m still a happy person and very social, but you know what I mean :))