A few years ago, I was seeing a therapist, and one of the themes we discussed often is my struggle to find connections without having close friendships nearby. This has been a challenge most of my adult life, and while I have a few close friends, they’re often hard to connect with on a deeper level because we live hours apart and only see each other a few times a year. I’m a pretty strong introvert, so I do much better with conversations that go beyond small talk, but most of my interactions weren’t getting that far. In response to this, my therapist suggested I take the opposite approach and focus on finding more fulfillment in spending time alone. This was definitely not a challenge – I’ve always loved going on long drives, wandering around bookstores and Target on my own, and had even started going to dinner on my own during work trips to get a break from the constant “on”-ness of my job. My therapist, however, challenged me further and told me to take a trip away on my own, for fun.
The challenge here was not only to travel on my own, but to overcome all of the internal barriers I immediately put up to the idea. Self care has become such a frequent topic of conversation it’s almost satirical now, but the crux of why it continues to be so hard even though we all know it’s necessary, is usually because we as women and mothers just naturally put ourselves last and feel guilty if we don’t. Frankly, I loved the idea of going away by myself, but it felt selfish to spend money just on myself. It felt like I would be judged for prioritizing myself. I felt like I would need to reciprocate to make sure that my husband then has equal time for himself. It just felt wrong to have something just for me.
Thankfully I’m married to a man who supports me in everything that I do, and my therapist told me, as a way to address my deep resistance to doing things for myself, to challenge him to plan this solo trip for me, to allow someone else to take care of me for a chance. He was giddy with excitement at the prospect, and a few weeks later, I was on a plane to Maine for a 3 day weekend, all on my own. I stayed at a beautiful B&B that had pie for an evening snack. I had a rental car that allowed me to traverse most of the state, including going on a gorgeous drive to and through Acadia National Park while listening to the Hamilton soundtrack with a closeness I had never gotten to listen with before. I walked around small bookstores (one of my all time favorite things to do), read while enjoying dinner and drinks, walked around small towns, and watched mindless TV before going to sleep. I spent a lot of time thinking – something I thrive on, especially in times of emotional stress. Being on my own, setting my own pace, it all allowed me to turn inward to myself, and to have the freedom to think about what matters to me. It was one of the most energizing and restorative experiences I’d ever had, both physically and mentally.
It will surprise no one that most of those worries I had in undertaking this trip were unfounded. I am incredibly privileged to have financial stability that allowed me to take this trip and not have it be a trade-off for something else we might have done as a family or as a couple. My husband is the least “tit for tat” person in the world, so never once has there been a conversation about inequity in how much personal time we were getting. Most of my friends cheered me on and some even thought it was brave, because solitary travel and doing things on your own still seems like such an odd thing to do.
What that trip also made me realize is that finding time alone has to be imperative for me. It can’t always be a jaunt to Maine, but I had to find it somehow. Since then, I’ve made concerted efforts to carve out that kind of time regularly. When I work at home, which thankfully my job affords me to do anytime I want, I make sure to step away from my desk and read or watch TV when I have lunch. When I feel especially tired, overwhelmed or stressed, I take a mental health day and go to a bookstore or for a long drive on my own. My husband, an extreme extrovert who previously had a very hard time understanding how I could possibly like being on my own, now regularly asks if I want to go out to dinner on my own to recharge. This past holiday season, he gifted me a weekend in NYC, making sure that I left on the earliest possible bus and came back on the latest possible one, complete with an itinerary full of indie bookstores and stationery stores to check out, and a reservation at a highly rated sushi restaurant (something I rarely get to have, since he’s a vegetarian and it’s not an experience we can share). I used my time to see a movie, something I also rarely get to do, walk (one of my favorite things and why I will always be a city girl – the first day I clocked almost 10 miles on my Fitbit), visit bookstores, and revisit my old college stomping grounds in lower Manhattan.
I still hope regularly to find friendships that will give me the kind of connection I’d like to have with others, but what the last few years of making solo time a priority have taught me is that I don’t have to feel unfulfilled in the meantime. Solo travel and solo time isn’t for everyone – my husband would go nuts – but for me it has become a lifeline. I am a better person, partner and parent because of it. I won’t pretend that the doubt no longer sneaks up – I still feel guilt over spending money on just myself, and often wonder if it’s the right time to take a trip given our other priorities. I’ve had some judgment come at me, about “missing” out on time with my daughter (ironically my husband never gets those comments when he’s away) and how “weird” it is to just be on your own. I still worry about parity with my husband, but have made it a point to talk to him about how I feel so that it doesn’t sit just sit and fester with me. I don’t get to take solo trips often – the NYC one was really the second since Maine, which was a few years ago now. But I have made a more concerted effort to build in time for myself, and it has without a doubt made me a healthier person.
guest
This is really great! I think it’s amazing that you took that step! I think a lot of us are still stuck in the putting ourselves last/feeling guilty stage. I count going and being at work as my alone time and feel guilty for pretty much not being with my family any other time. This year my goal is to also work on self care but it’s Feb now and I haven’t done much!
cantaloupe / 6086 posts
I really relate to this! I’m a major introvert and the times I was in best mental health were when I also had lots of time in my own head, often walking a city! Not even with a fancy destination … there’s just something about doing those two things together. Right now i don’t live in a super walkable place but my favorite self care is interesting podcasts while driving – I should make an effort to do it walking at the park as it gets warmer! I’ve never gotten as far as the travel alone but should think about that too.
blogger / apricot / 439 posts
I can definitely relate to this as well. I am also an introvert with an extrovert husband. While he is so great at making sure that I get the time and space to recharge my batteries, the mom guilt for doing it still pops up regularly. I’ve found that those who are most critical of my time alone are older extroverted women and I’ve definitely been guilted by that “missing time” with your kids line that you mention…
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Snowjewelz I wish I could say that I’m a confident self-care-er but that’s still far from the truth. I’ve gotten a lot better in knowing when I definitely need a recharge (ie, next week I have a full day meeting I’ll be running so I know I’ll be useless by the time I get home, and I told my husband I might just go to dinner on my own after), but most of what I do end up doing usually tends to get worked in at times that I likely wouldn’t be with family anyway, like work at home days or taking a day off work occasionally. Keep on trying!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@bhbee: Podcasts are a big thing for me too. I tend to only really listen to them when I walk, which day to day is just from my office to my husband’s when we meet up to drive home. Every little bit counts, I think!
pomelo / 5621 posts
Since having DS2 5.5 months ago I have not done anything alone and am missing it. Previously I went to the gym twice a week and then sometimes shopping after. I miss those evenings to myself.
I’d love to go on a trip by myself! That sounds amazing.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Mrs. Starfish: 100% on the older extroverted women. The bulk of the comments I get are from my mom, who’s generally wonderful, but she’s baffled by why I would want to be alone and while she’s not obnoxious with her judgement, I definitely feel it in comments like “I never could do this for myself, I didn’t want to miss a moment with you and your brother.” I try really hard not to let it get to me but it can.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@ALV91711: FWIW, it took me until my daughter was well past 2 to even go out with friends, much less on my own. It’s really hard, but if you know you’re missing it, my one recommendation is to try and find the time sooner v. later. A big part of why I was going to therapy at the time was because of all the resentment I built up over essentially losing my sense of self in the early parenting days.
pomelo / 5084 posts
This is so amazing! I loved reading every word! In terms of self care, I finally broke down and bought a membership to a local spa for a monthly facial. I take half a Friday off work every month and go get a peel then go get coffee (alone). It’s amazing, it’s simple, and it’s just for me!!
pomelo / 5621 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: yes, it took me until DS1 was close to 2 to do anything for myself. I’m not doing that again. I’m
Aiming for a couple evenings a month starting soon.
guest
Wow, this is inspiring. I want to do this too, to sounds so dreamy! Gonna talk to the hubs about this :).
kiwi / 702 posts
A solo weekend away seriously sounds like a dream come true. I’m also an introvert with an extrovert husband. I wonder if that is a common theme by gender in the greater population or is it that us introverted moms just self select to sites like hellobee for support??? Any psychologist bees out there?
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Mrs. Pajamas: I’m far from a psychologist, but using myself as a case study and from what I know of introvert tendencies, I think it’s common for women to band together generally speaking (my husband recently tried to join a local dad Facebook group and found there’s no interaction in it, whereas the local mom group has 10+ posts a day), and for introverts especially, it’s often easier to find meaningful conversation and advice in this kind of forum because you have to do a lot of relationship building before you can get to the same level of discourse with a “real-life” person and that’s exhausting for introverts.
nectarine / 2180 posts
I too am a huge introvert and love my alone time. I particularly love going to shows (ballet, traveling broadway) alone, I haven’t done so recently perhaps I should. Another way I make sure to get true alone time with no obligations is to take a mental health day and commit to using it just for things that make me happy. I don’t run errands or clean or do anything obligatory, I read eat something delicious and relax.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@snarkybiochemist: Same! Reading and eating are two of my favorite activities in general, and definitely to do solo.
nectarine / 2180 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: one of the best parts for me is picking out exactly what I want to eat without worrying if my husband or daughter will like it or if its nutritious or balanced.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@snarkybiochemist: Yes! And my husband is a vegetarian so I tend to go to places that we can never go together, like sushi or steakhouses lol
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
That sounds awesome! One of my most favourite trips was 4 days in NYC to get to do whatever I wanted. That was before kids though. I think I’d have a hard time convincing myself that it’s ok now (no matter how much I want and should do it). Kudos to you for being able and brave enough to do it!
persimmon / 1381 posts
This sounds really lovely. Also an introvert with an extrovert husband. Right now I stay home with my two kiddos and I cherish the hour or two in the afternoon while they are napping and I can recharge. We’re expecting our third in June so I think I am going to need to find a new way to get alone time because the days of overlapping naps will probably be over soon. I am hoping to get back into a regular yoga practice or just going to a coffee shop once a week to be by myself.
guest
I LOVE this idea!! I usually take my yearly weekends away to visit friends but the idea of going somewhere all by myself seems so enticing.
Also, you went to the inn where I had my honeymoon – I can’t imagine a better place to hole up by myself for the weekend! The pie! The breakfasts!
grapefruit / 4466 posts
@bhbee: Last summer given the location of DS’s daycare at the time, my commute was a 35 minute walk to his daycare and another 10 minute walk into my office. He would nap in the stroller and I listened to audiobooks. It was soooo good for my mental health. I miss that commute (but not that I’d want it in the winter).
@Mrs. Carrot: I love this. I’ve had pretty much zero time away from DS since he was born over a year ago when I’m not working. I’ve gotten my hair cut a few times and I think that’s it…Whenever DH watches DS on the weekend, I feel like I need to be working to get out of the massive work deficit created by all the sick days I’ve had to take with DS. I have to travel some for work, and I feel bad leaving DH solo with him more than is needed for work. But I really don’t think it’s good for me in the long run. We haven’t used babysitters at all and I’m thinking we need to do a little bit more of that, as DH and I both need to do a better job of self care. My parents are thinking about retiring in another couple of years and doing some longer visits then, which would also help enormously…In the meantime, I do take DS for lots of stroller walks in places i love and he’ll nap, which has been really helpful for maintaining my sanity.