This is a topic I’ve thought about often since having kids, especially since having a daughter. I never told my parents about any of my experiences being sexually harassed as a child, but I never felt like I could talk to them about anything. Asian parents tend to be difficult to open up to, and as first generation immigrants, there was also fear and a cultural divide between us.
My earliest memory of being harassed was in kindergarten, when the naughtiest boy in class would lift up girls’ skirts to expose their underwear during recess and lunch. He was a very troubled boy and I believe he got kicked out of school not too long after kindergarten. When I was in fourth grade, I had a male teacher that would make his favorite female students “flirt” with boys in the class by speaking in a girlish voice and grabbing our hands to wave to a boy. The most popular boy in that class was named Oscar. When determining which lucky female got to sit next to him, the teacher selected five girls, including me, and wrote our names down on small pieces of paper. Oscar was then asked to draw a name and the “winning” girl sat next to him. The girl who “won” as well as Oscar were both so embarrassed they turned bright red. Once when a high school teacher, who regularly harassed me in class, asked me to stay after class, I was terrified that he would make a pass at me, or much worse. Nothing happened, and I believe he was later fired for sexual harassment.
I don’t know if this was unique to my neighborhood growing up in Los Angeles, but it was a regular occurrence for men to sit in a parked car while masturbating and trying to get your attention. This happened to me and all my female friends throughout elementary to high school. The worst experience for me was when I was in 7th grade, walking home alone from the school bus. A man asked me for directions, and because he spoke Korean, I trusted him enough to approach his car. As I got closer, I saw that he was not wearing any pants and you guessed it – masturbating. I ran away from the car as quickly as I could. The following day as I was walking home alone again, I spotted the same car that had approached me the day before. Fear ran through my entire body as I was on a quiet residential street instead of a busy boulevard like the day before, but at that moment my aunt just happened to walk down the street and called my name. I ran towards her and the car sped off.
These stories focus on a couple experiences at school, which was supposed to be a safe place. But I have many more stories throughout my school years and adult life, that are much, much worse. It wasn’t until I became an adult and thought back to all my experiences in childhood that I really realized how wrong they were. At the time I felt fear. I was scared I would get in trouble. I was scared they would retaliate. And I was worried that if I told my parents, they would worry too much about me, and they already worried enough. So I kept all these stories to myself, save for my friends who had experienced the same things. We just accepted this as a normal part of life.
What’s shocking is that girls experience sexual harassment from such a young age. Were times different in the 80’s when I went to school? In this day of cell phones and hyper involved parents, would it be impossible for a teacher to get away with anything like that now?
Olive is 7 and I have no intention of bringing up the topic of sexual harassment with her anytime soon, but I do think I need to be talking more about consent with both my kids. I have touched on the topic with them, but haven’t really delved into it since they haven’t been in school for so long and are always with me. Their lives are quite sheltered here compared to what they would be if we were still living in New York. I don’t think it’s likely that they’ll even hear about sexual harassment on tv or in movies because we limit media so much. If the topic does come up, I like how this Common Sense Media article likens sexual harassment to bullying, which is a concept younger kids can understand.
I want to create a safe space where my kids feel comfortable to confide in me about anything that troubles them. They will not get in trouble and I will always love them no matter what. I still need to do a lot more thinking on this.
Is this a topic that you’ve thought about as a parent? Do you have any plans on how to approach it?
guest
Yes! I think about this all the time. My girls are only 4 and 2 but we definitely talk a lot about privacy, not letting strangers touch you, no means no, etc. I have a feeling I have also just repressed a lot of harassment memories because we were taught (or not taught) to blame ourselves, or to think nothing of it, etc.
And relating to your post a while back about the kids taking karate, I now think it’s a great idea to get my girls to learn to be strong and fit and know that they can defend themselves and don’t have to be afraid of anyone!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
This is definitely on my mind a lot, especially as my daughter is now in kindergarten and the environments she interacts with other people in are getting bigger and bigger. We’ve definitely talked about who is and is not allowed to touch her and where, “my body my rules” is a common topic in our house and we reinforce it constantly. And frankly I’m very weary of leaving her alone with other adults for playdates and such, and probably why we never really found a consistent babysitter outside people we know really well. I am mostly thinking these days about how to keep her aware and mindful but not fearful and closed off to people, and I’m hoping society is trending in a better direction on this overall.
pomegranate / 3355 posts
I think of this often and also have many not so fond memories from my childhood. Mostly in school or on the bus. I try to talk to DD about privacy etc but I’m not 100% sure she understands. I’ve already had to talk to her about kids “peaking” at each other using the restroom at preschool. She said a girl was peaking at her and made fun of her bc she wasn’t wearing underwear… at least she was comfortable enough to tell me, but I told her she should report that behavior to the teacher… but ultimately how come a teacher didn’t see another kid peaking while my daughter used the restroom?? I don’t know how this happens… but then again for the entire year of my 6th grade a boy would openly grab my breasts (I developed early) every time I walked by him and the teacher “never” saw it or said anything.. I mean come on.. she had to have seen it at least once but nope, never said a darn thing… smh.
persimmon / 1381 posts
Admittedly, I have not thought about this as much as I should have. DS is 3.5 and recently I started to talk to him about personal space and “no means no.” I probably have not talked to him about strangers as much as I should have, and he has no stranger fear at all.
I remember being in kindergarten and one boy and his friends chased me around the playground until they caught me, held my arms behind my back, the boy in charge kissed me and then they let me go and started all over again. I have no idea where the teacher was or how long it went on or even what the boys’ name was, but it definitely sticks out in my memory. It really does start so young.
guest
I started this conversation at 2.5 years old with my older son and will probably do it at the same age with my younger one. He loves Qiao Hu Tiger, a really popular Taiwanese (maybe Japanese too?) cartoon, and one of the first videos we watched was about firmly and loudly saying “no I don’t want to!” when adults ask to hug or kiss you (even if you know them) and telling an adult about it right away.
That might seem harsh and I don’t mean to imply that a sweet old lady at church is a pedophile bc she’s asking for a hug. However, I do think that consent is important at any age and she can’t just get a hug because she wants one. My son is not into hugs and kisses from random people and he shouldn’t have to be! I’ve had to intervene multiple times with family members, friends, and even preschool teachers who ask for hugs and kisses from him with “he doesn’t like that, how about a high five?”
Despite Qiao Hu tiger’s video, I think it will take him more time to be assertive enough to refuse the requests. Right now at 3, he mostly pretends he didn’t hear it or runs away to avoid them. But I’m hoping that I can build up his confidence to say no without feeling bad or embarrassed.
clementine / 874 posts
You know, I have tried to think of moments of sexual harassment in my life. I’ve definitely had moments of bias at work, but never harassment. I hope I can provide that environment for my kids, but I still want to teach them about it and what to do.
guest
Just for clarification, I am an elementary teacher in Ontario. We are NOT permitted to enter student washrooms (even in kindergarten).
admin / watermelon / 14210 posts
@Ajsmommy: i didnt develop early and there was definitely an older neighborhood boy that grabbed all the girls breasts when we were in 6th grade!
grape / 85 posts
I’ve found the book “It’s Not the Stork” helpful for the where-babies-come-from discussion, and especially for how it discusses “bad touch” and persisting in telling other grownups if the first ones don’t do anything.
My daughter is 7 now, but we started discussing this with her last year.
After hearing details of the Larry Nasser cases, it’s become clearer to me that no matter how protective one is about sleepovers etc, terrible things can happen even when parents and trusted grownups are nearby.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
I think about this ALL the time because it’s in the news so much. I have two boys, so I feel a responsibility to teach them about consent and what is appropriate. Even with us, I’ll tell them “You should always ask first before you hug or touch someone!” And I try to emulate that by asking for hugs or kissing with them. I’m also very clear (to the detriment of my relationship with my in-laws) that my kids don’t have to hug ANYONE, including grandparents if they don’t want to. I’ll ask “Do you want to give Grandma a hug? No? What about a high-five? No? Okay, can you wave good-bye then?”