I used to love watching episodes of The Dog Whisperer, and even attended a book signing for Cesar Milan himself in New York many years ago. The three rules he constantly reiterated for happy and well-balanced dogs were exercise, discipline, and affection, in that order. When we had kids, we thought back to Cesar’s philosophy and how it held true for kids too! Without enough exercise, children had too much energy and were more likely to act out. Without enough discipline, children did not know expectations, rules and boundaries. And without enough affection, children would not feel secure or loved in their families. Of course children are not dogs, but it was an interesting way to think about parenting, since I knew a lot about dogs but nothing about kids before becoming a parent myself.

I hadn’t thought about Cesar Milan in many years, but I randomly thought about him today because we’ve seen the biggest shift in Charlie’s behavior the past 6 months. He definitely wasn’t the easiest child from the age of 3 on (we used to call him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!), and while it did improve once he turned 7, he was still a more intense than average kid. I started thinking about what could cause such positive change in his recent behavior, and came up with three big changes in his life, related to exercise, discipline and affection!

Exercise: Exercise always makes me feel great and I’m sure endorphins have the same positive effect on kids. Charlie started taekwondo six months ago and it has had such a positive impact on him. It not only provides a great workout, but martial arts is such a focused discipline that revolves around respect. Olive does get overtired from time to time because she has always had very high sleep needs, but for a kid with ADHD like Charlie, the more exercise the better. It makes him better behaved, more focused, and helps him fall asleep much faster at night — something he’s struggled with for years. I’m now adding a swim class on the weekends, and we’re starting to explore hiking trails as well!

Discipline: I’ve seen a huge shift in both Charlie and Olive’s behavior since starting taekwondo. For instance I have tried and failed many chore charts over the years, usually starting out strong but all of us eventually becoming complacent. But since starting taekwondo, something in both of them changed. The discipline they’ve learned there has carried over into their day to day lives. They do their chores without my asking every morning without fail now. That means I no longer have to nag them about getting dressed, brushing their teeth, putting away their laundry… they even make their bed every morning and water the outdoor plants. Maybe I should just be thanking taekwondo for doing my parenting!

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I’ve also been solo parenting the past eight months, so I’ve had to implement more structure and rules in our daily lives since I’m busy working two jobs, homeschooling Charlie, and doing chores and childcare by myself. The biggest change over the past six months has been the almost complete elimination of screentime — they get 1-2 hours a month total. I saw the negative effect screentime had on Charlie, even on a Kindle. One of the perks of living on a remote tropical island is that the kids don’t feel like they are missing out at all, even though they have no internet access, youtube, tv or game systems. I have only seen positive effects from eliminating screentime!

Affection: When we lived at the resort in El Nido, I was busy from 5am in the morning until 11pm at night with no days off. I was always exhausted, in a bad mood, and frequently snapped at the kids. Even though they were always around us, we didn’t get very much quality time as a family because we were always working. I felt really, really guilty. Once I moved to the island capital with the kids, I was with them 24/7. We slept in the same room and spent every single waking hour together. Olive quickly started school and loved it, but we couldn’t find a school that was a good fit for Charlie so he stayed home with me. This was the most one-on-one time we’ve had in our entire lives, and one on one time has a hugely positive effect on Charlie. Because he’s home with me, he happily helps with additional housework daily that are not part of his regular chores. Children also tend to be better behaved when they are not with their siblings, and though he and Olive don’t fight often, he is usually a model child when it’s just us. I think a sensitive child like Charlie needed this extra time and affection, and I’m so glad that I had this opportunity to really focus on him. He’s 9-years-old now, and I know that these days are not going to last forever, so I’m trying to get in as much quality time as I can.

What methods are most effective when it comes to improving your child’s behavior?