When I was younger, I had some close friends, but the group was always fluid and I really only had one person in that group that I knew I could completely count on. And even she had times when she wasn’t there when I really needed her (she actually didn’t show up at my courthouse wedding and was one of our witnesses). For a long time I was fine with this situation of lots of friends but none that I really felt super connected with on a deep level. Especially because I had Mr. Cereal and he truly is my person.

About 6 years ago, I attended/was forced to attend a communication workshop at my work. I was put in a random group with four other people and we were told to write down ten things that nobody else knew about us. One of my items was that I was trying to get pregnant. Nobody else in my world knew that we were on this path and it was sort of freeing to tell a group of strangers. One of those strangers was a woman, K, who had the same thing on her list. We bonded during the training and started meeting for coffee and lunches when we could. She shared that she had suffered a miscarriage a month prior to meeting me, and I remember thinking that I was so glad that I had met her so that I could help her. Since then, we have gone through five miscarriages together (we actually miscarried within a week of each other once), one stillbirth, and the live birth of both of our rainbow babies. We are sisters through and through and I love her and I know she loves me. She is the person I can tell anything to and it is incredible to have this in my life.

K and I attended loss group together after our losses and met a group of incredible women who were walking the same path with us. In this group I found three other women who have absolutely changed my life. These are my loss mom friends and we are there for each other no matter what. We have a 5 year old messenger thread where we talk about our kids, our professional lives, our marriages, and everything in between. They are my core group of friends and honestly the people I trust most in this world. They know about my struggles and failures just as much as they know about my successes. To me, this is really the best part of our friendship, the fact that I don’t have to put on a show with them. They love me just as I am.

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And now, I’ve really stepped into a world recently that has opened up my friend circle again. I am choosing to stand up for the rest of the women in my field. We are banding together, mostly over the negative parts of being women in this field, but also in this strong way that means we have support where we didn’t before. These women are fierce, strong, kind of scary, and beyond cool. I find myself loving myself more just by being around them and being a part of this community.

I’m honestly thrilled by all of this. I spent the last few years being very involved as a mother and a wife and there were a lot of times where I felt completely alone and completely lost. I wasn’t unhappy, but I didn’t feel full. I relied a lot on Mr. Cereal for my happiness quotient and I think that this was actually kind of detrimental to our marriage in a way. It was a lot for him to be the only person I was turning to, and when my frustrations lay with him and our marriage, I had nowhere to go. There is something to be said about being able to vent to a close friend about something that is happening with your partner and feeling relief just from the act of venting.

In the past, I don’t think I put enough value on friendship. I liked having friends but I didn’t put in a ton of effort to maintain or build the relationships. I was and always will be generous with my friends, but now these small acts are incredibly fulfilling to me. Surprising a friend with a gift that made me think of them on a random day does so much for my own self-esteem and I can see the impact it has on them as well. So whats my point here? My point is, find your girl gang. Find your group of people that can support you, commiserate with you, fight for you. And hold onto them. But one thing to remember, if your girl gang includes people who aren’t in your corner, or make you feel like you are not the amazing person you are, get rid of them. Have no mercy for the people in your life that are bringing you down.