Hellobee

Moving and getting (ourselves) sorted has been really hard. It’s been a rollercoaster lately. We just started feeling like a little rest was creeping in and now we’re feeling the strain again. The hardest part is actually that even though we know a few people here since we went to college here, we don’t know neighbors and don’t really have the kind of connections that come from being rooted in a place. We’re getting there and as the weather warms we are meeting more people, but it takes time. How can we set up a babysitting coop? Or even meet someone who could do some childcare? How do we not get stir crazy before the weather truly stays consistently beautiful and brings us back outside?

The community garden behind our house is also just starting up – they just hosted a cleanup day so I’m excited about that – but so much of it is excitement about future things… not present. We’re SO CLOSE though. It’s very near to present and I just need to hold onto that. They just plowed the garden and I’m excited and I’ve got little baby plants growing and waiting for the outdoors but it still seems to be part of the waiting game. I want to be in the moment but it’s so difficult when the present is complicated and stuffy (indoors) and not without growing pains.

I need to be careful about creating a new life here in North America, not trying and then mourning the inability to replicate Thai life. There were so many reasons it wasn’t ideal for us there (the big one being that we weren’t citizens and felt like we were constantly using visa runs as tiring excuses to fly across the ocean to see family) even though there were an incredible number of beautiful benefits. The trips across the ocean were costly, environmentally terrible, and tiring, but life was slow and good otherwise so it’s a tough trade off. Right now my brain is keeping me grounded anyway – I should keep my ability to get to a hospital under 45 minutes at the most until I’m totally cleared – meaning the AVM is completely closed off with no further risk of bleeding. I feel like one of those little seedlings… I’ve returned to reality for the most part and I’m growing daily but I’m vulnerable.

There are so many things I’m excited about and some of them actually are present things, not future so I will try to hold those things in mind.

Currently:

– I drove today which was great practice for my brain and felt good
– The weather today is pretty cold but we’ve had some beautiful days and they are getting more and more frequent
– I’m seeing a counselor and attempting to unpack the last year and I think that has been positive already
– The kids are healthy
– Mr. Gumdrop set up a bird feeder outside the dining room window so there’s been little ones flitting back and forth all morning. It’s delightful for my daughter and myself
– My son is getting really big and the fun is really coming out, it’s awesome
– I got a new tattoo! I decided that the time I would spend was worth it, got a babysitter (a family friend who will be working in town for the rest of the month) and just went for it.