Hellobee

I finally have a name for what has been going on with me. I could have figured it out long ago, but I was trying so hard that I didn’t allow myself to. I have situational depression. I also have never been depressed before so it didn’t occur to me. It’s actually really helpful to have a name for it, this thing that is happening to me.

This is a short-term form of depression that occurs as the result of a traumatic event or change in your life (hmm… yep).

I have been trying for so long to deal with this and just get through the next thing – and each step has truly been an improvement on the last. It’s so strange to look back at the past year and where I am now, and acknowledge that the depression is coming on now because this new phase is truly better than all those that have come before (since the bleed). Now that we are finally on in a house on our own, we are settled enough for my mind to let down its guard a bit and well, crash.

I watched the same thing happen to Mr. Gumdrop years ago. When he finally talked to his work about leaving for Thailand, renegotiated his contract so he could stay on remotely and everything started to fall into place, he had an anxiety attack because he finally could stop holding everything together. He was actually able to work through most of that anxiety in Thailand when we moved out to the country and he didn’t have the bustling of the city and chaos of everything greeting him every day. I’m actually wondering if that could help for me out here. I still like the city quite a lot, but Mr. Gumdrop and I just joined a land share called the Izaak Walton League and a house popped up for sale right next to it so even though we’re not house-shopping we still had to go see it and see if our dreams needed to take us that way.

We backed off once we found out that the developer hopes to sell the remaining parcel that’s just slightly between the house for sale and the Izaak Walton League land to a developer known for building McMansions out there. Bit of a dream-crusher but also permission to just be fine with what we have already.

So – how to deal with it?

My initial thought is to get the help of many different people to make room for me to relax. A nanny, or a tag team of them who can alleviate some of the day to day monotony of cleaning and childcare. I love hanging out with my kids, but mostly just when I have had some space to miss them. I don’t get that currently unless I’m rushing off to a doctor’s check up or some kind of eye therapy and back. I also think I’ll start taking Uber to my eye therapy appointments because it takes me about 45 minutes to bike there (and 45 back). There is no easy route so I’ll have more time on those days because I have childcare already and it won’t be entirely taken up transportation. I think it’s only about 10 minutes by car!

I’m also wondering if I should sit in front of a sun lamp in our place at times because the dreary days in Michigan have really been getting me down. That might be a real issue for me, at least during this phase where I’m predisposed to sadness anyways.

I can see how this is situational and how it will likely pass as the toughest parts of my situation do. It doesn’t make things much easier but I do think that acknowledging the difficulty of it does.