I have to start this by saying that I am slightly embarrassed at my reaction to this, it’s really not in my nature to make a big deal out of these kinds of milestones. But here we are, a few short weeks away from LeLe starting Kindergarten. And I am internally freaking out.

For some reason, the thought of her in this huge new school, with new kids, new teachers, new everything really freaks me out. I can picture her at the preschool and she was so comfortable there with people she loves and that love her. And now I am sending her to this school where I don’t know a single teacher and we only know of one other kid that she will know. I have not felt this much anxiety before in regards to her starting something new.

I think the biggest thing I am worried about is how she is going to get along with other kids. LeLe is a very social little person and she needs the interaction with others to fill her cup. I worry that she comes on too strong and that new kids will think she is too pushy or aggressive with her attempts to befriend them. And I worry that she will be rejected by the other kids, which will potentially break her little heart. And if I am totally honest with myself, I worry that she could potentially slip into a mean girl because she has a tendency to want to be popular and this sometimes equates to her being unkind and not thinking about her actions in relation to others.

I worry about her being able to navigate the halls of a school that is quite literally ten times bigger than her old school. This place is giant in comparison and I am worried that she will get lost or feel uncomfortable with being in a place that is so large and has so many confusing hallways. I’m worried that her teachers won’t like her or understand her. She loves all her teachers so much and she craves their approval, so this is particularly scary for me. And I’m worried that she will regress if this does happen. I’m worried that full days are going to be too much for her. She is still a little kid and 7 hour days sounds crazy to me. I’m worried about her riding the bus home from school. I’m worried about her eating lunch at school. I’m worried about seeing her less and having less time with her. I’m worried about so many little aspects of this transition.

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I really thought this would be an easy one for me. I felt relieved that I would have one kid in full time school, which removes a burden of child care and transportation for me. But the reality is that this transition is bigger than I originally thought. When I picture her in this school, I get super sad because she is growing up and pretty soon she won’t be my little kid anymore. And she won’t adore me as much anymore. These life transitions where you are watching your kids grow up and thrive are the most bittersweet of all the moments. I want her to grow up and love life and be independent, but I also want her to want to snuggle at night and to want to tell me how her day was immediately when I arrive home. It feels like it is moving too fast for me, and I just want it all to slow down a little.

I know we will adjust and by Christmas break our routine will feel normal. It’s just now, with the unknown looming, that I am having a hard time. I wish I could protect her in a bubble of my love for her whole life, but these are the moments where that just isn’t possible.