Hellobee

The ironic thing about trying to write about what’s going on with me is that the busier I get, the less I write. It feels unfortunate, because I have more to say and would benefit even more by processing it in writing when I have more going on, but much less time to talk about it. I just get into the business of making it happen. Some of this I brought upon myself (I am trying to get my freelance editing going again in a new state – a new state in America and a new state of mind), and some of it was thrust upon me in the blink of an eye (my slow processing and absence from life for many months) that I am still recovering from. But life carries on.

This month was the beginning of preschool. Another event that reminds me that life just keeps marching on. Also today my husband peeked at our daughter on the playground because we live right across the street and she was actually playing! We were a little worried she’d retreat to a corner somewhere whenever the other kids got overwhelming, but apparently there were other kids crying even and she was climbing and playing a having a good time. I’m pretty proud! And very glad to hear that she was having a good time.

This isn’t the first time she’s been in preschool, but it’s the most recent in her memory I imagine. She went to a play school once on an island while we went snorkeling, and she went daily to one nearby the hospital in Bangkok when I was there and mostly unaware of it. So she has had practice even if she doesn’t remember it (or I don’t).

I’m glad it appears that she’ll have fun there. It’s been a funny way to do things because I have been still really absorbed in my own recovery (it has turned more into a mental recovery at this point than physical), and so I am just happy that she’s going somewhere where she can be stimulated and entertained and I’m barely thinking about the how or why. I am getting better mentally though. I’m having more fun with her when she is around and I’m not worried about taking the medication at all, since the neurologist already has me on an anti-convulsant twice a day and I haven’t noticed any adverse affects from taking the anti-depressant as well. So I’m really grateful for that. I’ve mostly noticed the times I start taking pleasure in things again, like hanging out with my kids. And that’s a breath of fresh air.

I do want to take this moment to commemorate our first child beginning at a formal type of school though. She doesn’t say much at the end of the day but it sounds like it’s going well. I think she’s making friends and hopefully having fun and learning, which it seems like she likes as well. My son has been really enjoying bringing me books and looking at them lately too so that’s been a sweet development.

There is a love of learning in both sides of the family I think even if it doesn’t come directly from me. In so many ways I think, somewhat tragically and not because I think I deserved it in any way – and you don’t get to choose your catastrophes, do you- I think I was the perfect person to be living through this experience if someone had to do it, because I look back at how much I just rode the waves of where I was at in that moment. Because I had to, and because I didn’t know any different. Only looking back can I see how dire the circumstances were. That’s partially just because I can compare to now and see how much improvement there has been, and breathe a breath of gratefulness.