Hellobee

A diamond for my little April baby.

Oh, how I wanted this post to be something different. Just a short while ago, I was excitedly planning on writing a post titled “We’re in Stork Mode!” But just a couple of months of being in stork mode, our sweet baby died at eleven weeks.

I know so many of you also have a story similar to this. It is shocking to me how common miscarriages are and while I knew the statistics, it was equally shocking when it actually happened to me. It has been so helpful for me to read the stories from other women who have experienced this. As I grieve for my baby and for what could have been, it comforts me to share the story of my baby’s life.

My husband and I had this baby planned for a while. We knew we wanted our second to be about four years apart from our first. We also had a specific time of year planned, because both of us are in education and a spring baby gives us more time together, and less time to have to take off work. I knew I was pregnant pretty quickly: dizzy and lightheaded, sore breasts, and odd food aversions/cravings gave it away. I didn’t tell my husband my suspicions, but one evening we were playing a board game and I ran out, peed on a stick, ran back and showed the pink plus sign to him. We were elated! We jumped and hugged and celebrated. I barely slept that night, I was so excited.

We immediately made all the plans and started all the preparations. I calculated my approximate due date: April 13, my eldest niece’s birthday! Three different pregnancy apps were downloaded on my phone for multiple daily updates on baby. How will we clear out the third room in our apartment and change it to a nursery? We made lists of the baby items we still have and what we would need to buy. We created a couple of online baby registries just to have the free boxes of baby goodies sent to us, and little baby items started finding their way into our house. Little baby moccasins and a matching cap, a pregnancy journal, a Belly Box subscription. I started baby name lists – will we have a boy or a girl? An April baby was dreamt of, deeply loved, and already a part of our family.

Morning sickness set in way worse than I even had with my first pregnancy. After two trips to the hospital for dehydration and uncontrollable vomiting/dry heaving, I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I spent several weeks in survival mode barely able to take care of my basic needs, let alone my toddler’s. I missed some days at work, yet still forced myself to keep up with work tasks electronically. I had to take many breaks because looking at a computer screen made me even sicker. Every day when I was throwing up and dealing with extreme nausea, the only thing that got me through was knowing I was doing this for my baby. I was doing this so I could hold our sweet baby in April. I could, and would, be strong for my baby.

Sharing the news to the extended family was so exciting. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be there because I couldn’t even get out of bed that day, but Mr. Cupcake and Fitz sent me an epic video of my whole family jumping and cheering when Fitz ran out wearing his “Best Big Brother in the World” shirt. When asked what the baby’s name should be, Fitz (A loyal Kansas City Chiefs fan) responded with “Mahomes” and then later “Chiefs,” and our baby now had a nickname: Little Chief.

Around nine weeks I had a doctor’s appointment and I got to see the baby, legs kicking and arms swaying. I fell even more in love! The picture was immediately placed on the fridge at home and we had a picture of our Little Chief. I am now even more grateful to have that image of our baby.

Two weeks later the doctor couldn’t hear a heartbeat and I saw a different ultrasound. It was nothing I ever thought I’d see. Alone in the office, I was hysterical and sobbing in my doctor’s arms, in utter disbelief.

Even though just a short time here with us, our baby is known, loved, and forever a part of our family. While we are heartbroken that we will never hold our baby here on Earth, there is peace in knowing that our Little Chief is held now by God. There is peace in knowing that we will be reunited someday.

We love you, Little Chief, and we always will.

Mrs. Cupcake