Hellobee

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time, but I wasn’t quite sure what to say or how to say it. When I was 19, I bought a 6-week-old basset hound. He was a fat little nugget, and he was perfect. I had done a ton of research on breeds that I would be best paired with and lazy cuddlers were the right kind for me. I did a ton of research, then eventually found a litter and went and picked him out. The breeder was a semi gross dude who had no business breeding dogs, but the puppy I picked out was dead on what I was looking for.

I named him Mason, after a character, Linda Mason, from Holiday Inn (trigger warning, this movie is amazing, but has a pretty gross racial undertone). He was a squirmy little guy and immediately I loved him. Mason was my only baby for 9 years. He came with me everywhere, he was incredibly spoiled and loved, and he was the best companion I could ask for. When LeLe was born, he took to her like no other. They were thick as thieves and he was the first thing to make LeLe full on giggle. I have a video of them together that I watch all the time and it makes me laugh and cry simultaneously. They spent 9 magical months together until late in the year when he started to act sickly.

I had taken him to the vet several times because he was getting sluggish and would occasionally not eat for two days at a time. They thought he was having some gastro issues so I changed his food and started feeding him fish oil with his food. He maintained his health for a few months like this. And then in mid October, when LeLe was 9 months old, he stopped eating and acting right for a few days. I took him to the vet and they did an x-ray, where they discovered a huge mass on his spleen and stomach. Basically this mass was likely cancer and could burst at any moment, which would cause him to bleed out. We decided to schedule a date two days later to put him down and took him home to spoil him for the next 48 hours. When we got home that day, I realized that my period was late. Mr. Cereal and I had not been particularly careful, knowing we wanted another kid and it took us a year to get pregnant the first time. I decided to take a test that afternoon, with Mason by my side. It was a bright, clear positive. I cried, panicked, showed Mr. Cereal, and tried to understand everything that was happening around me.

So here’s the thing. I truly believe that Mason, the first thing that I loved more than my own life, knew he was sick. He knew he was leaving me and I believe with my whole heart that his little soul now exists in Little Bug. The mixture of knowing that this creature who had been with me for so much of my young adult life was going to leave me and that a new creature would (hopefully) be joining us shortly was awful. We were so so sad, but also so so happy.

We spoiled the heck out of Mason for his last two days. He ate only roasted turkey breast, his favorite meal. He slept in the bed with me, cuddled up against my body. And the day we took him in, I got to hold him and comfort him as he left us. It was awful, but also a relief because I knew he wasn’t in pain anymore. The anticipation of the actual event was so much worse than the actual event and being able to help him cross that rainbow bridge felt like the ultimate act of caring. And the whole time, I had this little bean inside of me.

For months afterwards, I cried when I thought of him. I missed him all the time and I wished that dogs lived as long as humans do so I could have had more time with him. The thing is, Mason was a truly exceptional dog. He was the perfect mixture of sweet and stubborn and he had the most human personality. His eyes were soft and knowing, and he was very in tune to my emotions. His soul was my match, and I still, 5 years later, miss him terribly. I still sometimes cry when I think of him, but now it’s less out of sadness and more out of continued love for him.

I see little bits of Mason in Little Bug. Little Bug loves me more than anyone has ever loved me and I think that this is the part of Mason’s soul that lives in him. He has some of the same quirks that Mason had, and maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part, but I think that Little Bug knows Mason in some ways. The other day Little Bug told me he was sad he never got to play with Mason. It threw me off a little, and I explained to him that even though he never met him, Mason lives in him. He cried and hugged me and it felt like Mason was there, hugging back.

Losing a pet is one of the hardest experiences I have gone through. I have now had to put down two other dogs, and because I will always have a dog in my life, I will experience that pain again and again. But it is so worth it to have the experiences and to understand the love of a pet. I hope my kids always have a little companion in their lives, and one day I hope that I will see Mason again.