In my last post, I shared about our recent losses within the family and how it’s been a difficult time. While being pregnant and grieving has certainly been a new territory for me, something else that made it hard was introducing death to my toddler.
Having lost my brother when I was 19 years old, my son has only “known” my brother and his one uncle through my memories, stories and sharing. He loves to talk about his Uncle, watch the memorial video we have of him, and look at photos. It’s the crappy side I feared when I was 19 years old – what it would feel like when I had children of my own. We’ve always shared loosely with W that his Uncle wasn’t with us anymore because he was so young, and wasn’t deeply connected to him. However, this past May when we had our annual memorial celebration for my brother, he became quite excited when we arrived asking where he was. It broke my heart, but my mom was quick to respond and said, “Uncle K is dead.” It caught me off guard a bit at first. But my mom became a grief group facilitator after losing my brother, and she stressed the importance of being matter of fact and clear with children when it comes to death.
So, when my Babcia passed away in October, I knew that’s what we had to do then too. We explained that she was very very old, and that she died. He took it quite well, he said he was sad and would miss Babcia, and seemed to generally get it. We brought him to her funeral, and he did very well. And a couple months later he was still asking lots of questions about death and Babcia.
While we are spiritual, we personally are not religious. We did choose to introduce the idea of heaven and explained that heaven lives in our hearts. Any time he would ask questions, he would tap his chest and say, “Heaven is in our hearts.” It felt nice knowing he was finding comfort in that.
With my Grampa passing so soon after, I was very anxious about having to do this again. I wanted to protect W from this side of life, and not have him experiencing it again so quickly. This loss was also much more emotional and hard, with my Grampa leaving my grandmother and his wife of 52 years behind. We still had a lot of hope for him. Again, we were straightforward with him, and he took it surprisingly well.
He had a few moments though that were really tough. After hurting himself outside a few days later (prior to the funeral) he was crying and then turned to my husband and said, “Babcia and Great Grampa died!” My husband started crying, which threw off my son a bit, but they talked about missing them, how it’s okay to be sad and again about how they live in our hearts now.
When my Gramma told us it would be an open casket, I was nervous, but knew that I still did not want to shield W from this important part of life. We prepared him for the evening by telling him about what to expect, and explained there would be lots of sad people. At the visitation he didn’t notice the casket until near the end of the evening. He stopped in his tracks, and started asking many questions. I picked him up and said that is Great Grampa in his final resting place. He said, “Oh, so he didn’t die.” I tearfully explained that he did, and that his soul and the part of him that made him him was now in our hearts, and we were saying good-bye to him. He took it very well, surprising me yet again, and then did extremely well at the funeral and has since resumed life as he knows it.
I’m sure there will be many questions over the coming months, and we’ll continue to reiterate clearly what we’ve told him before.
Below I’ve listed some tips and the key things that have worked well for us.
- Be clear, direct and use simple language – Don’t skirt around it because it’s confusing for little kids. Use the word dead or died. Don’t say they’re in a better place, or have moved on, because this will just be confusing.
- Allow for questions and be prepared for the same ones over and over – It’s a big thing to wrap their little minds around, so the same questions will come at you. My son asked “Why did they die?” many times.
- Exaggerate over the reason – We didn’t want to create fears around sickness or age, so said things like, “He was very, very sick and very, very old.” I started doing this, because he started saying, “But, Grampie is old” and I said, “No, he’s just kind of old.” This would also work in the case of an accident – “A very very bad accident.”
- Lean on support systems if you’re closely linked – I knew that I was going to be very upset at my Grandfather’s funeral, so I asked my Uncle and Aunt from my other side to watch W prior to the service, and during it. He still sat near me, but they were there to support him. My husband was unable to attend the service unfortunately. My husband was the main support for me and watched W during my Babcia’s funeral.
- Don’t fear bringing them along – It can be really scary to expose your child to this, and it does suck to have to introduce them to death. These are important lessons and life, and I am really glad I brought him.
Have you had to introduce death and loss to your kids? What worked well for you?
nectarine / 2018 posts
We found this link really helpful when we had deaths in the family.
https://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-preschooler-about-death_65688.bc?page=2
It’s been interesting to realize how many adults have problems simply saying “she died” or “she’s dead,” they automatically try to make it sound nicer or more gentle. But kids need it to be simple, like you said. DH and I have different feelings on what happens after death, which in some ways made it harder but in some ways easier – we decided to be honest with her that we aren’t really sure. DD’s main takeaway, and the thing she says most, is that you can still love someone even when they die.
pomelo / 5084 posts
Thanks for this. I’m sorry for your loss. So far my son has only had to deal with the loss of two dogs but like you, we told him the truth and answered all of his questions without trying to make it sound “better.” Now he says he dreams of them and that they’re up in the clouds
nectarine / 2648 posts
I haven’t had any experience introducing DD (almost 3) to death yet, but in my job I tell people their loved one has died on a weekly basis. I find it interesting and reassuring that the same things that are proven effective in announcing death to adults in a medical setting (#1 and #2 all day long) are also applicable for kids. This makes me slightly less anxious for when that time does come with DD.
pomelo / 5621 posts
I’m sorry for your losses.
DS1 has always known about death as my dad passed away before he was born. We have talked about how he’s in heaven but never really about why or how.
When he was 4 we took him to a funeral and he handled it well. He’s 6.5 now and in the last year we’ve had a couple family deaths. We just talk about it matter of fairly and answer questions honestly. It is so hard but in a way it is kind of good because it makes you talk about it.
blogger / apricot / 389 posts
@wrkbrk: @catgirl: @yellowbeach: @ALV91711: thank all for your comments and sharing your experiences
guest
I am so sorry you experienced these losses so close together. From one wave to the other. My eldest daughter, who is only 7, has been to 7 funerals. Since her arrival we lost my aunt, my husbands grandma, my mother, another aunt, my half-cousin, my husbands grandfather and my great aunt. She went to her first funeral at 3 months old.
Most recently we lost my husbands grandfather, a man we lived with for almost a year. That was very hard becasue like your Grampa it happened very quickly. I also miscarried a baby the day we put him in the ground, so it was an experience wrought with difficulty and emotions.
I think you’ve done all the right things. I think its wonderful that your husband cried in front of your son. That can be alarming, but it’s so important for kids to understand that it’s okay to cry. Since my daughter has gone to so many funerals she understands better than many children how to process her feelings, which is an important life skill.
We have photos of these people around the house and talk about them often. My youngest, now three, will often walk past them and say “she died”. I will say yes, she did.
Death is as much a part of living as going to the bathroom. The more openly we can talk about all these things with our children the better prepared they will be.
guest
Long time reader, first time poster – I’ve been following you and your family since your days as Miss Narwhal. I’m from the UK and our lives have run in parallel, with my husband and I a year or two behind you in this wonderful journey. Your wedding served as an inspiration to us and helped us to structure our ceremony in a way that was everything we wanted it to be – deeply personal and a true reflection of us, rather than the traditional stuff that weddings usually have over here in the UK. So thank you for inspiring that confidence in us. We look back on it so fondly.
Every so often I wonder how you’re getting on – today I came here and just wanted to say thanks again for sharing – your words on grief and how to approach death with a child are insightful and useful. I’m sorry for your losses. I hope that you’re in a better place now, though I know from personal experience that grieving is an ongoing process.
I was so happy to read that you’ve welcomed another baby into this world – I hope that you and your family are doing well inspite of the pandemic. We welcomed a baby girl toward the beginning of all this, nearly one year ago now, and she’s been a real light in the storm.
Sending all the very best to you and your loved ones from across the ocean,
Sarah xxx