I’ll admit it: the first time I left Baby Y in my in-laws’ care, I had a brief but powerful internal meltdown. They don’t know his routine! What if they put him to sleep on his tummy! What if they give him food that he can choke on! (And so on.)

My husband gently reminded me that they managed to raise two kids without killing them. Also, I realized I was subjecting my in-laws to an unfair double standard. After all, it’s been awhile since my own parents have cared for an infant, but I wouldn’t think twice about letting them watch Baby Y for an afternoon.

Still, my anxiety is par for the course for a lot of people, I think. A lot has changed in the world of childrearing since we grew up, but a lot of grandparents haven’t gotten the memo, putting anxious new mommies and daddies in a delicate situation. How do we tell our own parents they’re doing something “wrong,” even if it was “right” when we were growing up – especially when they’re generously offering their childcare services in the first place?

Baby Y's grandparents

Baby Y has six(!) grandparents who all want to snuggle him.

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Apparently, some hospitals are trying to be proactive by offering grandparents refresher courses on baby care. There’s a lot to tackle: No more stomach sleeping. No blankies in the crib. No infant cereal in a teeny infant’s bottle “to get baby to sleep.” No taking baby anywhere unless he or she is in a properly secured, rear-facing car seat. And so on.

And then there’s the smaller stuff. What do you do if grandma insists on rocking your child to sleep when you’ve taken great pains to get him to go to sleep on his own? What if grandpa picks baby up whenever he squawks instead of letting him fuss a bit and put himself back to sleep? What if they decide to introduce a new solid, thinking the bottle you left isn’t enough and your kiddo is still hungry?

Recent real-world example: The in-laws accompanied us on a trip to Vegas. They agreed to keep an eye on Baby Y after I put him to bed each evening so that we could actually go out to dinner a few nights. It was wonderful.

Without fail, though, I would get back to the room and find that one of them was holding Baby Y. Now, perhaps he had a major meltdown. More likely: he fussed a bit between sleep cycles and they rushed in instead of letting him be, leaving me the task of putting a wide-awake baby back to sleep.

Was I a little annoyed? Sure, especially when Baby Y realized how much comfier it was to snooze in someone’s arms instead of his travel crib, leading to a couple nights of desperation co-sleeping. Ultimately, though, it just wasn’t worth picking a fight. The “grands” were doing us a favor, and they are so in love with Baby Y that of course they wanted to pick him up and soothe him and rock him. That really helped me keep perspective: They were doing it because they loved him, not because they were deliberately trying to defy us.

If either set of our parents, though, were providing regular childcare, there would need to be more explicit boundaries. I could see that leading to some uncomfortable talks. After all, if you’re paying someone to babysit, there’s no reason to feel bad when you tell them to do something a certain way. If they don’t? Fire ’em! Not so simple to “fire” your own parents … at least without major family drama.

Solutions? After all, not all grandparents want to take a class in childcare!

  • Discuss what is absolutely not up for negotiation with grandparents (I would certainly put anything safety-related in this category).
  • Be flexible on little things, especially if you don’t have a permanent childcare arrangement with the grandparents. If a nap gets screwed up once in a while or your baby watches golf all afternoon, the fallout will be short-lived with your child, but potentially long-lived with your parents or in-laws if you pick a fight over it.
  • Talk. A lot. Maybe even implement a review of how things went so you can head off problems while they’re small. Acknowledge that they may have done X or Y differently way back when, and then explain the rationale behind your preference. “Because I said so,” is probably just as frustrating for them to hear now as it was for you to hear when you were little.

When all else fails, remember that your parents or your in-laws also love your child to pieces. Use it as common ground to build on.

Have you had any clashes with your parents or in-laws when it comes to childcare? How did you handle the situation?