This is a guest post from Rubies in response to Glennon Melton’s popular Don’t Carpe Diem post. You can read a previous guest post on the same topic here.

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My friend brought the Don’t Carpe Diem post to my attention knowing that I would find encouragement in it, and I am so glad for it. In the post, the author talks of  how everyone tells her to enjoy “this” time with her baby because it goes by quickly, but she has a hard time enjoying the screaming chaos that comes with said baby.

Many people have also told me, “Enjoy your time!  You’ll miss this stage in your daughter’s life!  You’re so lucky to have a baby!” and sometimes I want to tell these people, “Listen, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes I do not like being a mother!”

Enter, Mommy Guilt.

I have a friend who desperately wants  to start having children, but her husband is dead set against it for another 3-4 years. Sometimes I want to tell her, “Maybe waiting a couple years isn’t such a bad idea,” but that is something no woman who is desperate for children ever wants to hear.  The thing is, being a mom and having a child is awesome!  My daughter Ruth is so cute!  She is funny!  She is roly-poly!  She is so interesting to look at!  BUT… She cries.  She fusses.  She can’t tell me what is wrong.  Her poo diapers are explosive and changing them at 3am sucks!  She teethes!  She whines!  And I am just going to say it… sometimes she drives me crazy!

Many might think, “All babies cry and fuss.  Get a grip!”  But if you know me in real life, you know that Ruth’s first 3.5 months on earth were so, so hard.  She was a true colicky baby and cried more hours in the day than not.  The only times she seemed remotely content was when she was feeding, or when she had fallen asleep from her feeding.  I would be chained to my glider for hours on end, fearing that if I moved, she would wake up and the crying would start all over again.

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My husband and I would spend up to two hours getting her down to sleep at night, taking turns shushing and swinging.  After just an hour or so of sleeping, she would wake up and scream at the top of her lungs.  The only solution was car rides. In Ruthie’s first 3 months of life, we probably used an entire tank of gas every 2-3 days. Our first car ride would be at 11pm on the highway, driving until she fell asleep before turning around to come home to make sure she was really asleep.  Then we would carefully, prayerfully, carry her still strapped in her carseat, and there she would sleep for another couple of hours.  Then the whole process would begin again at 2am, sometimes again at 5am, and then our day officially began at 7am.

I used to call my husband at work every single day in tears asking him to quit his job and come home, because I just could not do it anymore.  Often I would not have brushed my teeth, let alone eaten anything, until my husband came home from work at 6pm.  I was gross, exhausted, and terrified that my dream of being a mother was a huge mistake.  My daughter was so fussy and being the inexperienced new mom that I was, I just did not know what I was supposed to do!  I often cried multiple times a day along with Ruth – we were like a crying duo!  And during her CC days (crazy colic) people would say to me with a gentle smile, “I know it’s hard but try to enjoy this time.”  It took a lot for me not to leap out and pound them to a pulp because there was no way they could understand what my life was like.

Now, I am not intending to be negative here nor am I saying I wish I were not a mother.  Mothering a newborn is just really hard for some women, and the hardships were enough for me to question my abilities.  Sometimes I count down the hours and minutes until it is Ruth’s bedtime because it means I am free (for a few hours, at least).  Sometimes I get teary-eyed over email threads that my friends are exchanging as they plan for a winter getaway that I will not be able to go to.   Sometimes I stop and wonder if I was crazy to think that I could possibly be a good mother.  Ruth’s colic was one thing, but it was doubly difficult for me as I was later diagnosed with post-partum depression!  It was no wonder I couldn’t carpe diem!

But then, the dust settles and like the author writes in her post, there are moments where I feel like I am on top of the world.  For instance, when Ruth is crying in her crib, wailing for me to come get her, the second she sees me peeking through the slats, she busts out in giggles with leftover tears still welled up in her eyes.  It breaks my heart.  Or, when someone else is holding her and her head is turning here and there scanning the room looking for me?  Not my husband, but me?  And my favourite: When I am cradling her in my arms and she nuzzles her face into my chest and reaches up to touch my lips with her tiny little hand.  I tear up just thinking about it.  I look at my daughter and cannot believe she is mine and that I get to be her mother.

Each day brings something new and she is learning so quickly and changing right before my eyes.  Ruth is now approaching 6-and-a-half months old and while the CC days are long gone, the memories still linger. I agree with the author when she says, “Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.”

But I’m doing my best.

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