It seems like after you get pregnant, suddenly everyone is an expert on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting.  Shortly after we announced our pregnancy to extended family and friends, I was bombarded with a million questions and unsolicited advice from well-intentioned individuals.  At first I humored their questions, but I quickly learned that I had to tailor my answers to who the person was and what I wanted them to know.  I admit it became overwhelming, and advice from random strangers started to blend into the same unsolicited advice family members were dishing out.  At one point, I wanted to scream “My vagina is not up for discussion!” But I think an outburst like that would lead them to start questioning my mental stability.

After we found out the gender of our baby, we found ourselves overwhelmed with outdated opinions as well.  For instance, my mother once argued with me that I should buy a drop-side crib.  She argued that I’m short (I stand five feet tall) and would have a hard time lifting the baby out of the crib otherwise. While she had a point (I am short, after all), our #1 concern was our child’s safety (drop-side cribs hadn’t been banned yet when we were crib shopping).

Another relative chimed in with, “You have to have a crib bumper.  She’ll hit her head on the crib if you don’t and hurt herself!”  We listed a handful of SIDS facts and changed that person’s mind quickly too. And yet another close relative looked at us like we were aliens when we refused to allow her to buy anything baby-related at a garage sale.  We’re not talking gently used here; we’re talking 25 years old and possibly recalled by now.  She wasn’t aware of safety and current guidelines, nor were most other well-meaning adults who hadn’t had a newborn in over 20 years.  While I certainly don’t expect someone whose youngest child is in their twenties to keep up on current safety guidelines, I do expect them to respect our decisions regarding childcare and safety.

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One time I had someone ask me how I was feeling.  I’d spent the weekend sitting on the living room floor, stuffing envelopes for a large order I’d just fulfilled, and answered the person honestly:  I was tired, and my back hurt.  This person, who’d never been pregnant, absolutely insisted that I was in labor.  After all, my back pain was a sign of back labor. I had to keep telling this person that I wasn’t in labor, and my back hurt because I spent three hours hunched over the day before.  I was also 8 months pregnant and my big belly meant not-so-great posture.  Even still, this person insisted I was in labor.

And now that our baby is here, we find ourselves hearing a few key phrases again and again:

– You shouldn’t do that! in reference to co-sleeping
– Why are you starving her?  She needs formula.  in reference to my decision to breastfeed.
– She’s ready for solids.  Why are you starving her? at three months old.
– She can do whatever she wants when I watch her!

It took us awhile — probably longer than we’d care to admit — but we finally found out what worked for us.

First, stop the info train. If they don’t know you plan on exclusively breastfeeding, they can’t comment on it or give you unwanted advice.  Secondly, you can use a few key phases of your own!

– I’ll/We’ll give that all the consideration it deserves.
– I’ve/We’ve got it covered.
– insert noun/verb here isn’t up for discussion. Then, divert the subject.

Trust me, it works!

It’s tough, and being assertive takes a bit of time getting used to.  At first, we were worried about hurting other people’s feelings, but our child’s health and safety will never be put in a compromising situation.  In addition, my body and its functions — breastfeeding, childbirth, etc. — are private matters and not a topic available for discussion.

How did you handle unwanted advice and opinions?