I’ve always wanted children, but until recently, it was an abstract idea. When asked by curious co-workers and inquisitive relatives about starting a family, my responses ranged from: “Someday” to “Hypothetically.”
People might assume my vague answers were a side-effect of my career. As a junior high school librarian, I spend eight hours a day surrounded by hormonal teenagers going through what is surely one of the most awkward, confusing, and crazy times in life. Spending so much quality time with fourteen and fifteen-year-olds sounds like an awesome form of birth control, right? But I thrive on the kooky chaos at work, so that wasn’t the reason.
The psychology behind the vagueness is pretty simple: I just wasn’t ready. My friends started to have babies, and my 30th birthday was on the horizon, but I didn’t feel prepared to take on the challenge of having a child. It looked hard. I was sure it was rewarding and worthwhile and warm and fuzzy, but it still looked HARD.
Obviously, somewhere along the way things changed because I’m pregnant, and it’s totally the result of a whole lot of trying.
Did anyone ever feel 100% ready to have a baby (even after trying on and off for 10 months, one of my first thoughts after a positive test was “OMG. What did I get myself into?!?!”)? Although I think it’s impossible to feel unequivocally sure, here’s what helped us become 95% sold on the idea:
1) I got tenure. As a teacher, tenure isn’t a guarantee that you’ll always have a job, but it’s validation that your work is respected by your employer. It means fewer observations, less paperwork, and it provides a clear sense that your career is on the right track.
2) My husband bought clothes for the dog. I supported his habit by buying more. Seriously? Clothes for the dog?
3) We started a baby fund. I’d like to stay home for at least a little while beyond my 6-week maternity leave, and my husband wants to spend a couple months with the new baby. Once our fund balance hit $5,000, I felt we’d made progress towards meeting an important financial goal.
4) I decided that it was perfectly appropriate to put a photo of our dog on the Christmas card and even sign her name to it with a paw print. We were slowly becoming the crazy dog people. Yikes!
5) My friends had babies and survived. Yes, they were exhausted. Yes, labor apparently sucked, but they kept going on about how being a mom was the BEST. THING. EVER.
How did you know you were ready to have a baby?
hostess / watermelon / 14932 posts
“one of my first thoughts after a positive test was “OMG. What did I get myself into?!?!”
THIS. i thought the same exact thing! i felt like such a bad mom until i asked around and realized more people than not also had the same thought!
clementine / 957 posts
We are on the cusp of I think, what is most likely, sort-of.. the idea of being ready. The same thoughts ramble through my mind and I feel like I put somewhat unimportant priorities before having a baby just to justify my waiting to others. I am excited for the day I am ready, I just don’t know if I am yet. Like you, everyone else is poppin’ em out and loving it and I am too! I love being with my friends and family with children and small babies.. it’s so wonderful.
Ahh, it’s the most important decision to make (after having already made the first one- finding the right person to have a child with!)
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I think you are right about never being 100% ready. We’ve been trying for a year and I have doubts all the time. I’m sure when we get a BFP I’ll have that “oh crap” moment. But I’m still ready and I still want it.
clementine / 889 posts
The closer we got to start trying to get pregnant, the less ready I felt and I kept putting it off. DH and I had just gotten married, but I was 26 and he was 30, and we knew we didn’t want to wait. Finally I said that after we both felt certain we were ready three days in a row, I’d throw out my pills. It took a few weeks, but we got there. We were going to see what happened for 6 weeks, then go back to using protection for about 10 weeks since my sister was getting married out of state and I wasn’t going to miss it by being 7+ months pregnant.
I threw my pills out after taking the first week, so I had no idea what would happen with my cycle. I had some spotting about 3 weeks in, so I thought I had ovulated and not gotten pregnant. Turns out I think it was when I got pregnant, since we got the positive test 2 weeks after we stopped trying.
I was not expecting the positive test at all, and my first response was “OMG, what have we done?!” It didn’t help that DH and I only had 20 minutes to let it sink in before leaving for work, and then leaving from work to go to my parents without DH.
clementine / 750 posts
I understand about not being 100%, I sometimes have doubts even though this was most certainly planned, as it took the help of an RE to get me pg.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
I am with you. I didn’t feel ready until my 30th birthday approached and I had been married 2 years.
honeydew / 7504 posts
@sorrycharlie: Yes, this, me too! After 7 months of trying, that “pregnant” showed up on the stick and I was like “Holy crap, are we sure?!”
I certainly don’t think we’re 100% ready, but I doubt that anyone ever is. I’m not sure when we knew we were “ready” or what changed. I just know that one day we were talking about when and Hubs said he wanted to start trying sooner rather than later, which surprised me.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I wasn’t ready at all when I stopped using birth control. After I lost the first baby I knew I was ready and really wanted a baby. By the time I got pregnant with baby Stroller I was beyond ready. But it took until he actually arrived for me to realize that I wanted him and not the babies I lost. Not that I don’t still mourn the babies I lost, I just don’t sob huge sobs that “I wanted that baby” to Mr. S anymore.
guest
I’m a librarian too! I run the children’s department at our local public library. I was hesitant to TTC because of some of the shenanigans that go on at work, but we’re due in 4 weeks with a girl and couldn’t be happier. Still don’t feel 100% ready, but I probably never will.
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
I wasn’t even thinking about babies until DH mentioned it one day and then I quickly got on board and we were pregnant soon after. We had been married for a while already and we felt settled and ready.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
We didn’t! Our baby was a surprise
bananas / 9357 posts
I can totally relate to the: “OMG. What did I get myself into?!?!” I was ecstatic and scared all at once when I saw that positive pregnancy test. It was a year ago when we decided to start trying. I was starting to get baby fever and we hadn’t even been married a year yet. I always thought I wanted to wait a few years before talking about babies. I casually mentioned it to my husband thinking he was going to shoot me down. He was surprisingly on board. He had been ready for awhile and was just waiting for me. We said we’d start trying in a year, but excitement got the better of us and we started trying right away.
clementine / 750 posts
@Mrs. Stroller: I forgot to mention that I’m a librarian as well, except in a law firm library, so I just deal with aduts that act like kids some days. Ugh.
pomegranate / 3658 posts
I wonder if this would be easier for me if I were surrounded by friends and relatives having kids and talking about how wonderful it is. I’m going to be thirty very soon, and I don’t have a single close friend or relative who has had kids. I don’t know anybody who talks about wanting kids, either.
pomegranate / 3716 posts
We have been married the longest out of all our friends; it’ll be our 5th anniversary this year. When we got married (both 27), we always said that we would start when we were 30. But then 30 passed and I just wasn’t there yet… and now I’m 32 and STILL not ready! But I think it’s time to get crackin’ so about to start Clomid soon! Yikes… my biggest fear is what will happen to my business and how will I handle it?? Who will watch my kid? AGH!
blogger / pear / 1964 posts
@kayakgirl73 Gotta love it! I’m sure lawyers have cranky, hormonal days, too, just like the kids.
I’d say the 95% thing is still right around 95%. On those nights when I’m exhausted and can barely manage to brush my own teeth before I fall into bed (at 8:30!!), I definitely have those “How the heck are you supposed to do this with a baby??!” thoughts. I guess we’ll find out!