There is really something magical about the first cycle of TTC.  Mr. Blue and I started counting down the days until June and dreaming about what it would be like if we got pregnant right away.  We even talked about how fun it would be to tell his parents for his Mom’s birthday if it worked out the first month.

The first cycle is so full of promise, not marred by past disappointments.  Will you be one of the lucky ones who gets that second line the very first month?  Will you be parents-to-be in less than 30 days?  Even though I have always assumed that it would take a few months for us to get pregnant, I couldn’t help but let a wee bit of hopeful excitement take over my mind.

We left for our last (hopefully) big vacation before we have kids right before my predicted ovulation date.  We thoroughly enjoyed our time away from home and work, and it made most of the TWW fly by with only a little symptom spotting at the end.

Though I tried to force myself not to overanalyze my symptoms, I had two particular symptoms that were out of the ordinary for me.  I got really tender in the boobage region, and heartburn decided to overtake my life.  My hope slowly increased as these symptoms lingered and became more severe.  Around 9 DPO, I actually thought, I’m definitely pregnant, because I never have either of those issues as a PMS symptom.

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I tested at 10 DPO and got a negative. I was a little disappointed, but I knew it was still early.  Unfortunately, a couple days later, I got another negative and knew that I wasn’t going to be blessed with a first-cycle baby.

As exciting as the first month TTC is, I have a theory that the disappointment is equally high the first cycle.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never hoped to see those two lines before, but seeing only one line on those tests was a little like having alcohol poured over a hundred paper cuts.  Melodramatic much, huh!? It was a quick burst of disappointment and sadness, with the first little hint of “What if we have problems getting pregnant?” thrown in there.  I know in my head that it can take a year to get pregnant even if there are no issues.  I know at 30, it might take a little longer than some of my younger counterparts.  Knowing those things in my head and having my heart prepared for a BFN just aren’t the same, though.

Before Diablo showed up, I was prepared for it and just wanted to get on to the next cycle and try again.  Trying to conceive is an emotional roller coaster, but I know that we have a baby somewhere in our future, whether it happens on cycle 2 or 20.

I’m now gearing up to start my second TWW soon, and I think I have a little bit more realistic perspective this time.  I might, however, need to be reminded of that in a couple weeks when I’m praying for those two magic lines!

Was your first cycle BFN the most disappointing?  How did you balance being excited but not getting your hopes up to high?