Hi friends!
Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Mothering. I capitalize it because it’s more than just an occupation or career. It’s a way of life and a sacred calling for serving God.
I’ll be honest; it doesn’t always feel sacred or special. It’s muddy work. It’s sloppy work. Most of the time, I feel frustrated (how many freakin’ spills can I CLEAN in one mealtime??), angry (shut the hell up and go to sleep Noah!!!!), tired (7 wake-ups in the night for the binky or the bottle or for who-knows-what), and spent (give-give-give-give-giiiiiiive). Don’t even talk to me about all the guilt. (Yes, I yelled “shut the hell up!” to my 10 month old when he wouldn’t stop fussing constantly during the night.)
About a month ago, I became tired of feeling, well… tired. I was sad that I wasn’t feeling a sense of fulfillment and purpose I’d always imagined I’d feel once I’d become a mother. I was sad I was feeling frustrated and yelling most of the time. I was sad I wasn’t finding the joy as much as I’d wanted. I fretted that time was passing me by; these little moments with my babies was going to pass too quickly and I worried I’d miss out on the chance to truly soak up every second with my precious ones.
Do you ever feel like this? Like you need the answer for how to be quiet, enjoy Motherhood, savor every messy moment, and thrive in it all? It’s so easy to get caught up in the minutiae of the everyday…wake up (before you want to), go about your same routine (whatever that looks like for you), battle the same battles, cleaning, preparing, laundering, and so forth just to hit the bed to prepare for it all again the next day. In all of this busyness and sameness, it’s so easy to forget to look around and notice the little things that make each day a wonderful part of the journey of Motherhood. We race, we scurry, we plot and plan for the next events all to get through the day, longing for a moment of peace and relaxation alone. I don’t want to wake up one day (with my surly teenage kids who want nothing to do with me), and wish I’d paid more attention to the little things and focused less on my frustration and challenges back when they were little and wanted to be near me.
Spiritual side note: I’m currently working through these issues with a good friend of mine who is now a pastor in Montreal. He is helping me to realize there is support from a higher place and that my purpose is a great one. I’m working to find my identity through Jesus and discovering my faith in a new way… that everything I do (yes, even scrubbing the dishes) is a way to show love and serve God because I love Him and am grateful for all He did for me. What once seemed like drudgery is simply another way I can show my love to my family. Being a Mother is easy; doing all the WORK a stay-at-home mom entails can be laborious, physically and emotionally demanding. I can find some peace knowing that everything I do can be done with a smile because it means something special.
That being said, I also needed some inspiration and advice from other mothers. How do the other women do it? The ones who have a bunch of kids, volunteer, work, and find time for friends, creative pursuits, etc.?
I found my answers in the book “Deliberate Motherhood: 12 Key Powers of Peace, Purpose, Order, and Joy.” It is filled with essays from seasoned Mothers who have been there. Essays I feel like I could have written! There are suggestions on how to deal with different struggles (hooray!). I read the book in 2 days and filled the margins with notes. I can’t recommend this book enough if you are struggling with the daily challenges from behind the scenes or want a realistic view of what Motherhood looks like. I can say strongly that it has changed the way I view my role as a Mother and the way I handle each day. I’ve been feeling so much more calm, purposeful, and joyous.
The book is set up in chapters that correspond with each month of the year. January focuses on the power of Acceptance. I’ve decided to follow along with the book and ponder each topic through this next year. (I’ve already read the whole book, but I want to explore each topic in detail.) I’ll write about that topic throughout the month and think about how it can apply in my own life.
Do you want to join me? You can grab the book and play along on your own blog, or leave your thoughts in my comments. I think it’s a great chance for us all to help each other gain strength and wisdom to better ourselves and refresh our views in our roles as Mothers (or Mothers to be).
Please don’t misunderstand; I LOVE my kids. I love being a Mom. I’m honored to be a Mom. I signed up for this, didn’t I? But I don’t want to just go through the motions. I want to be GREAT for my kids. I want to FEEL GREAT for my kids. I want to look back and know I enjoyed as much as I possibly could… even the diaper changes and endless sink of dishes! (How grateful I am to have dishes from those I love to wash and diapers to change!)
Once upon a time, my identity was found in my ambitions outside of the home. Now that I am home with my kids all day, I need to find and gain satisfaction in a new way. It’s been a bumpy road so far! So, I hope you’ll follow along starting in January as I explore the topic of “Acceptance” throughout the month. Accepting that Motherhood is tough and isn’t going to get any easier is the first step. I can accept the bitter stuff and embrace the awesome stuff. If you decide to read the book, let me know what you think of it!
Parenting Books part 6 of 9
1. Sleep Training Books by Guides2. My Favorite Parenting Books by Mrs. Hide and Seek
3. My Pre-TTC Toolkit by Mrs. Blue
4. The Best Parenting Book I've Ever Read by Mr. Bee
5. Pregnancy Literature by Mrs. Pen
6. Deliberate Motherhood by Mrs. Hide and Seek
7. Baby Reference Guides by Mrs. Tea
8. My Favorite Books on Baby Sleep by Mrs. Pinata
9. Favorite Parenting-Related Books by Mrs. Stroller
kiwi / 678 posts
I doubt that I will read the book this year (it sounds good, I just am too busy to add a book to my plate right now) but I was very happy to read you talking about being angry. I often feel like as a mother I’m not supposed to get angry. I always read about moms being sad, but never angry. I ALWAYS read about dads being angry.
I’m not saying it’s GOOD to be angry or anything, but it is nice to know I’m not alone in getting mad and frustrated.
coconut / 8498 posts
Thank you! I’ve always dreamed of being a mom, and now that I am one, I often have a hard time seeing how my work at home is serving God. I turn it into a works based thing: I’m being a great mom if I do all of the dishes, clean the floors, finish laundry, and do some creative and fun activity with LO. I have to be reminded often that clean floors isn’t the point of motherhood. The Gospel is the point of motherhood. I’ve been enjoying “Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches” by Rachel Jankovic. It’s a short book of encouraging essays.
(My statements aren’t intended to cause any heated discussions or to cast judgement. I realize that not everyone views motherhood from a Christian worldview.)
coconut / 8305 posts
I can totally relate! DS is 8 & P is 8 months & I’ve definitely had my cycles of feeling completely frustrated, unfulfilled, & “missing” the moments. I think it’s normal to have those cycles but its how you recognize & handle them that make the difference.
That book sounds fantastic, maybe I can pick up a copy & read along! (Reading is far & few in between these days so we’ll see). For me, I remember when a pastor, Joe McGee, came to our church as keynote speaker for our family conference & the things he said regarding parenting & Gods calling for parents just clicked! I got his “Biblical Parenting 101” series on DVD & tbh we watch it atleast once a year! Any time one of us starts getting into a rut in parenting we put it on & get some scriptural reminders of what it is we are called to do as parents. He’s funny & fantastically on point with scripture. We love it!
Right now, in our home I can say I’m just starting to find my groove again with a new babe & am FINALLY starting to enjoy & soak in Motherhood again. It’s not always easy staying in the now AND enjoying it, but man the times of being truly engaged & fulfilled are totally worth it! Thanks again for sharing!
GOLD / pear / 1845 posts
Have also said things I regret to my 10 month old in the middle of the night. I just don’t do well sleep deprived. Am praying about it. Got 5 hours of sleep in 4 chunks and can’t type in full sentences yet.
kiwi / 538 posts
This book sounds really interesting. I hear you on the anger thing. I know that I’ve been frustrated with myself in the way I’ve lost my temper in certain situations being a mom- and my son is only 8 months now so I know it’s only going to get more challenging! Having more patience and being more appreciative of my family are things I definitely want to work on.
pear / 1743 posts
I’m not a mother yet but I’m interested to follow along with your book study – I like the thought of being deliberate in my approach to parenthood and I think the fact that I’m on the site already means that I’m very interested in seeing how other women do it!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
thank you for posting this. i’m in…so need this!
i’ve wanted to be a momma all my life and am so grateful that i have my little one, but there are days when it is definitely hard to enjoy every moment. i feel like i’m ALWAYS praying for patience and selflessness (though perhaps those are things i should always pray for any way…ha) to guide me through this thing called Motherhood.
looking forward to reading more from you and reading along with you!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly about something so difficult. I can relate to the moments of frustration, anger, impatience. It comes in waves… and sometimes I just want to break down and cry. I’m glad you’re finding the support needed to help you through this difficult time, and I think it’s so refreshing to read posts like this. NONE of us are perfect, and all of us go through these emotions, but I don’t think it’s shared enough. Hang in there!! Looking forward to hearing more!
kiwi / 623 posts
Thanks so much for sharing and posting this! I’ve always anticipated becoming a mother and once I became one, it was not as dream like as I thought it would be (haha). I love being a mom but yes, there are times that i get caught up in the day to day tasks and am frustrated. I love that you also shared your spiritual side in this post too! I am possibly interested in reading along
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
This is such an excellent post. I wish I had the finances to study along with you, but we’re kinda strapped at the moment. I look forward to hearing your interpretation of these issues. As a Christian mother I feel I am always having to look past all the nonessential consideration that the world throws upon me– my job (or lack thereof at the moment!), my appearance, my social life– all the things that have fallen to the wayside now that I am a mother. I guess I secretly thought that my mission would be a little more glamorous than this! But I believe that being a SAHM has taught me how to be more humble, less self-centered. Or should I say…is teaching. It is a day by day process.
What I try to think is that now I am working to create my story and my son’s story at the same time. I can’t help but think of my life as a narrative. And yeah, sometimes this seems like the “boring” part in comparison to my roaring twenties (which is ironic I would say that because I am still in my twenties and will be for a year and a half more…but you know what I mean!). But then I think that my son too has a life story, albeit only a 3 month long one! What seems like a lull in my personal story is the foundation of what I hope is a satisfying and exciting story and mission for him. I think it takes a lot of work to move away from thinking about how to improve my own story and throw myself into creating his. I hope this makes sense? I doubt it does.
I also look at my parents who are just so in love with my kid and I realize that, as much as it was a struggle for them, that young parenthood time period was probably the pinnacle of their life. Even though they have more money and freedom now, it pales in comparison to the sweetness of that time.
Finally, I try to remind myself that this phase is so, so short. I have SAHM friends with middle school aged kids who are traveling, doing mission work, trying out second careers. It will be gone before we realize it. I already feel like the baby stage is fleeting and sometimes it takes my breath away.
Anyway, just my thoughts. Some days are better than others
I’m so glad you shared this though– it is so important to be honest.
coffee bean / 29 posts
Thanks for this post. I’m a new stay at home mom. It was the most difficult decision to stay at home and give up my career but I knew that it was certainly a calling from God. It’s a missionary work for sure that doesn’t get much praise or notice. I still dread when people ask me what I do for a living. I don’t want to resent my child and let him think I did him a big favor by choosing to stay home. I want to be happy with this decision and be proud to say that I am a stay at home mom. I will definitely be reading the book with you! Thanks for the encouragement!
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
Thanks for keeping it real … I may or may not have cursed in my toddler’s general direction the other day, and then I felt so bad. Ugh. But yes, it is so hard to see the forest through the trees. Yesterday was a bit better because its easier to keep perspective after a huge tragedy, but things always go back to status quo, no matter how much I vow the opposite. I’ll have to take a look at that book … If I can ever find the time!
pea / 8 posts
I am going thru the exact same thing. And I discovered Sacred Parenting and now my paradigm shifted. I highly recommend it. You will enjoy it very much.
olive / 63 posts
I am struggling so so so much with this-and I’m with mrs superhero-I just can’t handle being so sleep deprived for going on my 11 month. I’m so grumpy and can hardly stand it anymore to hear my 10 month ok wake up for the umpteenth time at night. I repeat all those things to myself like this is a short time and I am still having the life I wanted and created but some days are just better than others. Looking forward to your posts!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Yes, I think I may join you. Can definitely relate to what you’ve shared…motherhood isn’t for sissies! It is a daily struggle while being the greatest gift at the same time.