Hellobee

We took on different roles in the household. He took on more cleaning roles, I took on most of the child care roles. He now cleans the kitchen after dinner while I take our daughter upstairs and get her bath ready. I still do bathrooms, bedrooms, laundry and keep our upstairs tidy. He does more of the vacuuming and kitchen cleaning. It has worked out amazingly and surprisingly, they aren’t roles we discussed, they are just roles we fell into.

Oh, and we’re exhausted. Haha. I hear that passes, though once they learn to sleep through the night.

I hate this. (SOME) people who have kids somehow forget what TTC was like and the pain of wanting a child and somehow turn into people who make comments like that. I had a friend who was TTC for years and finally has kiddos now, and when I went to her while I was TTC and frustrated, she was all “enjoy time with your husband now, you will miss it.” How quickly we forget!!! I vow to NEVER let frustration over a busier life let me get like that. When I get negative comments I just remind myself what my mom said about me (and I’m adopted but goes both ways!) “My life didn’t begin until I held you in my arms.” That sounds worth any stress, doesn’t it?!?!

@mediagirl: I hadn’t considered dividing up chores like that. I’m glad you mentioned it because I’m sure I would end up overwhelemed by trying to do it all.

@KJfromNJ: I feel exactly the same way. I know it’s going to be difficult, but we knew that in the beginning. I never want to be the “You don’t understand” kind of person. EVER.

I used to get annoyed at all “you’ll see” type of comments. This is a blog post that I just read recently and cried huge, profound tears over (my son is 9 months old). It might not strike a chord with you yet, but it might be something you want to revisit after you’ve had your baby. http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/#.URu4A5HEqQM.twitter

I love the last paragraph about being dh’s manager. I already have a 5 year old, and a baby coming who is at the point of “any day now”. We also have 2 cats and 2 dogs, who might as well be more children. I don’t really want to be parenting my dh also. My ex (ds’s father) had to be micro managed, and you can see where that got us. I don’t want to be an adult’s manager. DH does what he wants, I do what I want, and we both watch out for the kids and do what’s best for everyone. Hen pecking is exhausting for me, and I don’t have time or energy for it.

X box time is not over. My four year old’s favourite thing to do in the evening is to snuggle up on the couch in the dark and watch Daddy play his game. But it sure can be cut back.

I know the “you don’t understand” stuff is obnoxious, but honestly, I don’t believe there is any way for someone without children to understand the emotional and physical commitment of having children, unless maybe they’ve cared full time for a sick parent or something. Parenting requires 150% of your energy, it’s unlike any other time intensive task like being in graduate school or something. When you’re a parent your heart truly is outside of your body and there’s rarely a moment that you’re not in some part thinking about your child. Then when you’re with your child, you have a small body needing physical and emotional attention. Add on top of that the sleep deprivation and it really is a whole other experience.

So while I try not to tell people without children that they just don’t understand, and there’s really no reason to be negative to expecting parents, but I definitely just smile and nod when childless colleagues or friends complain about being busy or tired.

We didn’t get comments about any of this before we had a child. Even if people had said something it’s not helpful. Until you are actually caring for your baby you really have no idea how it’s going to be.

Pretty much agreeing with KB’s comment.

@kellyrae: I plan on writing a follow up post to this, so feel free to come tell me I told you so then.

@Mrs. Polish: lol there will be no told you so’s from me! I will definitely read your follow up post but I’m a strong believer that you do what’s best for your family You’ll do great!

I think a lot of the comments people have said have some truth to them except they are on a grander scale. To say your life is over is an exaggeration. But life does change. My husband and I just went on a quick weekend away that was two years in the making. Before kids we would just hop in the car and go, but I have four beautiful children….worth it.

You will NEVER see your friends again. Not true but time can be limited or on different schedules…. Worth it.

Your marriage will never be the same. Nope, it won’t. Between infertility, a contested adoption and a very high risk pregnancy my husband and I are a stronger team. Things did change. We don’t have as much time alone, we have to work a little harder to make romantic…..worth it.

Not as much x-box time. True….worth it

I seriously didn’t know what tired was before I was a mom…worth it

I actually think there is some truth to the last statement about being a manager but it works both ways. With a baby, there is just SO MUCH TO DO and so little time/energy to do it. It’s kind of like divide and conquer and it requires both people to do it and you’ll both have to manage each other. Like sometimes I really need my DH’s help with the baby certain days but he’s so unused to doing certain tasks that I really do have to manage him step-by-step as to what I need/expect from him. But the same goes the other way if he needs my help with some of the household chores.

I wish some people wouldn’t take so much offense to to the “you’ll see” comments because in all honestly, most people giving the advise don’t mean anything malicious. We’re just tired tired people who can’t wait for you to go through this so we can get get some empathy. =P

@KB: This. Exactly.

i have to physically control myself when people say “you’ll see” or my all time favorite “oh, just you wait” it’s like a perverse sense of intrigue these women have that the next phase of whatever i’m going to experience is coming and there’s NO way i will be ready for it. mostly i think they’re trying to connect and insert humor but sometimes i’m not so sure. at any rate, no matter under what pretense it’s said, i never receive it very well. little things i try not to do now that i AM a mom…

@Mrs. Scooter: This is EXACTLY how I feel. I automatically feel the intense need to prove them wrong.

We were talking about this the other day and my husband and I don’t feel like life changed that incredibly much. It just feels like we now have a little buddy with us. Yeah, we have to be a bit more intentional about going out and finding a babysitter or planning things around nap time, but its not that crazy different. Its a good different. Even when we do go out, we can’t wait to get back to see our little guy. Life is different but its so much better and more fulfilling with a new person in your life:)
Jennifer

jennifertrovato.blogspot.com

I totally agree with Jennifer above. Life IS different but the best kind of different!

I don’t understand why people make these comments to expectant parents. Of course we know things are going to be different, but we still signed up for it. It’s almost like they WANT things to go bad for us lol!

“What I’m saying is that if we can make it through infertility together, I think we can make it through anything.”

I completely agree with this statement! I haven’t gotten many of the “you just wait” comments. They would definitely annoy me.

People are such a-holes!! It’s the same mentality as when you tell people you’re expecting, and they bombard you with horror stories about pregnancy & birth. I’m not sure what causes some people to be so pessimistic, but it sure does say a lot about their character. I think it’s so refreshing to find people who LOVE having babies … who still love their partners … and who know that while a baby was a big change, it was the best! Sounds like you have a great view on the whole thing.

Comments like any of these just make me lol. Your xbox time is not over. You will see your friends. You will only become your husband’s manager if that dynamic works for the both of you. Whether or not you’re really sure you want children is pretty beside the point, at this point.

Ok, sure, life as you know it is now over. You now have a brand new 200 hour a week job, and surprise, you don’t get to choose your working hours. This does not mean that you will never have any more fun ever. You will have 200 hours a week of new fun baby things, because, surprise, your baby will be the cutest sweetest thing you’ve ever seen. Also, you’ll get to play some xbox. Babies sleep. Often on you. And those friends – probably going to want to see the baby. Probably (unless they suck) going to be cool with an early dinner while the baby sleeps in the carrier.

No, your marriage won’t be the same. It’ll hopefully be way better, because instead of it just working, you’ll have to be way more intentional about it. It’ll be tested by the both of you being tired and smelly and pissy and totally over not having time to play xbox. So you’ll sit down, work it out, and hopefully find a way to balance it in a way that makes you happy.

Yes, your life of a ton of time for yourself is over. But your life as a parent (hopefully one you wanted since you’re pregnant), is just starting. I’m finding it to be a pretty damn good life, and I suspect you will too. And you still get to play xbox.

Ok, on reading people’s comments. Sure. Life will be very different. VERY different. But it won’t be over. I hate the obnoxious competition people put into it – oh you can just NEVER know how hard it is to raise a child until you’ve done it. Sure. But why do people feel the need to hold this over pregnant women’s heads? No, you really can’t understand how tired you’ll be, but there’s no reason to be rude about it.

Signing up to be a parent is signing up to do something way harder than you can possibly imagine. Everyone goes through that struggle. I don’t really see the benefit in belaboring the point.

I, for instance, am sitting here on HB listening to daft punk while my husband snoozes on the couch, and our toddler rampages around and plays with her puppets. Does this resemble my former life? Actually, yeah. I may be a little fatter and a lot tireder, but this is a pretty logical and welcome extension of my former life. As a PP said, my life did not end with my baby – in a lot of ways, it began.

I could have written this exact post pre-baby. Now, post baby, I can see why people give “your life will be over” advice. Life has changed sooo much, and even though I’m so in love with my son, things are VERY different. Having a baby is still occasionally crazy overwhelming and I do sometimes miss the things people warn you about. I’m by no means unhappy, but life has seriously changed.

I would say all the things on this list will be true for all couples to varying degrees. That being said, I wanted to be a parent because I was tired of my very me-centric, boring post-college lifestyle. Restaurants and shopping just didn’t do it for me anymore. So when people told me my life was going to be “over,” I kinda welcomed the change, even though I knew it would be painful. I wanted to grow as a person. At times I panicked about the changes and would get very worried, but I always came back to this feeling that being a parent wasn’t something I wanted to miss out on in my lifetime.

@Mrs. Polish: I think people who are perennially sleep deprived (I just got six straight hours for the first time in six months a few days ago; prior to that, my maximum number of sleep hours was 4…some of my friends who didn’t sleep train/have multiple kids are literally in their third or fourth year of sleep deprivation) are just looking to blow off some steam. They don’t feel bad about saying this stuff to you because in a matter of weeks you’ll be joining them and THEN some (because if the issues you listed aren’t your issues, then it’ll be some other issue you haven’t even thought of yet). I loved having a newborn baby, but I wouldn’t trade it for my (nearly) six month old, who is like a little buddy to me more than this scary creature that I don’t understand. The first six months are a tailspin. It is a beautiful, overwhelming, scary, joyful time. But you really don’t want it to be any other way!

@Modern Daisy: “It’s almost like they WANT things to go bad for us lol!” I think it depends on your definition of “bad.” Yes, your free time/bar time/fun time is severely curbed, as is spending money, etc. But is the absence of those things always “bad”? Honestly I think it is kinda lame when new parents try so hard to incorporate their children into their old lifestyle– having kids means giving some things up in exchange for others. It isn’t necessarily bad, it is just what happens.

In my experience, my relationship with friends who have kids is infinitely richer, while my relationship with people who don’t have kids is….nonexistent. I feel like I must be terribly boring to people who don’t have kids, but the reality is as a SAHM I’m not getting out much. My kid is my 40 hour plus workweek. Eventually I’ll join in their political/cultural conversations, but right now I’m trying my very best to cherish this time and to live in the moment regret-free as much as possible. Unfortunately, for me this means surrounding myself with people who are in my same phase of life, or at least understanding of my limitations (and with a child who goes to bed at 6 PM….the limitations are severe).

I have definitely become DH’s manager, much to our mutual chagrin. In the beginning, it is hard not to do this. I honestly think it is a hard-wired, biological response to having a new baby. Plus it took me about five months to feel 100% comfortable getting baby out and about on my own. So during that time I was dependent upon my DH for a lot of stuff that I usually would have handled myself. Now that he is willing to get out and we are on a schedule, I am back to managing things for myself.

XBOX/TV time…I watch a ton more TV now than I ever did before. It is something I can easily do while baby is napping or in the evenings. I can’t get out anymore during these times so it is easy to default to the tube.

I read through all the comments. No one “warned” me about how hard it was being a mother but people did scare me about pregnancy problems which really upset me, like why tell a pregant women all the possible things that could go wrong with her pregnancy? I thought it was really mean!

Now being a parent… everyone came out of the woodworks to say “Isn’t it hard being a parent? Don’t you feel your life is over?” like they want us to agree with them. It is hard being a parent… YES! But it’s worth it. I don’t feel my life is over at all. It is harder to plan things with friends and family but it works out. I’m not sure how it will work out with two kids but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Also I love my husband more when we had a kid (didn’t even know that was possible), he really stepped it up and helps me a lot. I read / hear stories from other mothers that their husbands don’t help that much and I feel bad for them but that much more greatful that my husband really tries to help me and I feel our relationship is stronger than ever. Being a father really makes him glow in my eyes more so than when we didn’t have a child.

I think people that try to warn other people probably mean the best it is just that everyone is different. What might be the end of their life for someone might be the begining of a better life for someone else. Also every baby is different, some babies are super easy going and some are more … trying.

Good luck with your child! It seems to me that everything usually works out.

I’m in the camp of “oh yes… but maybe not to this extreme.” Life is different. Very different. But totally not over! It’s better in a lot of ways… but oh, do I miss some of my pre-kiddo life at times. Some of it was my doing… most of it not. Pre-kiddo… I would have been writing the same things as you. Now I just say “Oh, I see.” I had no idea the changes I was in for! Of course, I haven’t had more than a handful of nights with really good sleep…. so I might just be really really tired. But I would never tell you that you will never sleep again!

I love this post ! No more “let’s go to the movies tonight” because we have to line up a sitter; international trips is cut down a lot and they have to be planned months in advance; Weekends has mostly become 95% errand running; Sleeping pass 7am is no longer an option, actually I have to cheer when I occasionally sleeps through the night for 6+ hours straight! Even a trip to the mall has to be planned carefully because you are afraid LO would nap in the wrong time and he wouldn’t be able to nap for 2 hours…etc.

But when I see my baby, it is all worth it.

You know, it’s funny, I don’t think I really ever got any of those negative comments when I was pregnant. And so when I had Aliya (and if you know a little of my story, I suffered from PPD for the first few months postpartum), I wondered, “How come NO ONE told me how hard this was going to be???” I had no absolutely no idea what I was in for.

That being said, I try not to give unsolicited advice, especially to pregnant women! I had a pregnant friend who kept venting on Facebook about how she found it so irritating that so many moms/parents kept telling her to “sleep while she still can” and she would say “as if she was getting good sleep” while being so uncomfortable and having to pee every couple hours in the night! I just smiled b/c I could see both sides…but I didn’t say anything. I know NOW (she has an 8-week old) she knows it’s not quite the same thing!

I have so many people who have told me “get ready, now that you’re pregnant you only have a few months of freedom left. your life is over”.

It makes me feel awful. We’ve been trying for over 2 years trying to get pregnant with fertility issues, surgery and much heart ache. And it surprises me so much how people can say these kinds of things when I’m so EXCITED to be pregnant.

I’ve heard the other sayings too… I wish they could say it in a positive way but I found a lot to just flat out say it and saying how awful life will be.

I do realize life will be different but I’m ready to have our own little family. I’m ready for change, I’m ready and happy for this!

I didn’t really have people say anything like this to me. Mentally, I was prepared to never sleep again and for the newborn stage to be horrible. I really had myself psyched up for the worst and was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the newborn stage, thank goodness.

I have to respond to your friends’ comments though!

My life changed forever, but I can’t remember what it was like before him anymore now, nor do I care to. I also don’t want to be in high school, so change is good.

The second never happened to me, in the way you’re describing, I think it was more of me asking myself do I really want kids before we TTC.

I didn’t see friends with kids for a long time because we all had different nap schedules. Now that we’re all on one nap or no naps and the nappers generally nap around the same time, we’re seeing more of each other (at 14m)

Nope, my marriage will never be the same. We have a child now and we’re truly working as one team. It’s better.

No comment on the XBox, but yes, some other free-time activities have fallen by the wayside. But they’re starting to come back a little and it’s far easier when there’s an early bedtime and baby STTN. It’s more like needing to motivate after baby’s bedtime and after you’ve done the gazillion things that need to get done at the end of the day (pack lunch, clean up, make dinner) to engage in activities when you’re tired. I’m slowly starting to get back into hobbies, but just for waaaay less time than before.

I don’t really get what the manager comment means. In our house there is far more that needs to be done on a daily basis and I ask Mr. S for help/to do things way more than I ever did before. So yes, there’s a lot of “can you do xyz, please?” But not like a life manager or anything. He’s much more reluctant to meet friends out for a drink after work, have a friend over to watch a game, etc. but I think that’s more out of respect for wanting to make sure I feel like I have time without the baby too. I find myself encouraging him to call a friend on a Saturday evening – even if it’s just because I don’t feel like making dinner

Just one more comment – my best friend suffered terribly from PPD. She was the first of her friends to have a baby and she had NO idea what it was going to be like. She must have said a million times that first year “I had no idea, why didn’t anyone tell me?” She had a sh*tty delivery, couldn’t figure out how to breastfeed and wanted to “stick the baby in the mail box and send him back.” She told me repeatedly that she feels badly for anyone who goes into parenting without some idea of what they’re doing and how hard things are (delivery, breastfeeding, etc.) are first. She’s a kind and tactful person and tries to be helpful to expecting mothers and offer up advice, if the mother is receptive. I think that a lot of people giving advice either came from a dark place or were close with someone who did and just want to help others avoid that pain. It was truly scary to watch and I know that when I mention things to new moms/moms to be, the hope of helping them avoid that kind of experience is in the back of my mind.

My lunch break is almost up, so I didn’t read all the comments (I’ll come back later). But I think there are kernels of truth in many of these (super annoying) statements.

{Your life is over.} Well, it’s not over, but life as we knew it has changed about 80%. Nearly everything is different with a newborn/infant. How we walk the dog, eat, do laundry, relax – it’s all changed. Our old life really is over, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

( Are you sure you want kids?} That’s a lame one for sure! OF COURSE!

{ You’ll never see your friends again.} Over exaggeration, but kind of true. We used to visit friends & family way more often than we do now. We’re tired and would rather stay home (although we always say yes to people who want to come to us!) We would stay over with friends maybe once a month in their nearby town and I just can’t figure out a way to make that work with the baby now. So, yes, we see friends but a lot less frequently.

{ Your marriage will never be the same.} For DH & I this may have to do with hormones, but we argue way more than we used to. We’re sleep deprived and cranky, but I think we’re also a better team & better at communicating with each other.

{ Your Xbox time is over.} DH doesn’t play video game, but his hobby time (and mine) are drastically reduced. There just isn’t room in our lives for too many extra-curriculars while we’re taking care of our little guy. Chores pile up during the week and we use the weekend to trade off doing them while the other person watches the baby. Thus, I am eating lunch, pumping, and visiting Hellobee all at once. Multitasking is the only way to get some hobbies in!

{ I will become Mr. Polish’s manager.} I agree that this is probably not true for most people/relationships. Many men step up to the plate, look for the things that need to be done, and do them. I have seen some new parents be overwhelmed and end up ignoring the new responsibilities they have, which makes their partner become the “manager”. But I don’t think it’s as common as people would have us believe.

Again, every new family is different, but I was surprised by how many of these “sayings” did ring true. I’m also surprised that despite all the warnings coming true, our life is happy. It seems like all those changes would make life worse, but we’re adjusting to a new normal and I can see how parts of our former life will return as our son grows and becomes easier to care for.

@Jenna B., The article you linked is so spot on! I’m just now realizing (26 months after the fact) that the feelings I felt the first year after LO arrived wasn’t guilt, resentment, or envy of my previous pre-motherhood life but rather, I was mourning the death of “pre-motherhood me”. Wow, I wish all expectant or new moms would read this article so that they are better emotionally prepared.