Having “the” conversation with your kids is nothing new. Parents have been dealing with this issue since the dawn of time. And while I realize I am probably way ahead of myself (Baby O is almost 10 months old), I am already thinking about it.

When she asks us about the words “fag” or “homo” or “queer” or even “gay” when used as an insult – what do we say?

Growing up just means you’re gonna get teased. I did. Almost everyone I know did. Most consider it a normal part of childhood. I’m not entering bullying territory, because that’s a whole separate topic, but your run of the mill teasing. I recognize there are different levels of teasing, and as kids, teasing tends to be about things that are physical in nature: height, weight, disabilities, skin color, hair, race, wearing glasses. The hardest part about this type of teasing is it’s completely out of their control. And I’m sure teasing of any sort is torturous to manage as a parent, but what if your child is being teased because of you?

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Missus Scooter and I would like to think times have changed. And they have. We would like to think California is progressive and tolerance is high. It is. But we are also very realistic that our child will get teased for having two moms. She will hear derogatory homosexual words. She may feel extra pain or endure extra hardship because of the nature of our relationship.

I know we’re several years away from the first time she comes home and asks us what these words mean and why they are being used to tease her. But what I’ve noticed in becoming a mom is the protective mama bear instinct has kicked in. Not just about this issue, but about all kinds of things I thought I would be more casual about. I suppose this is nature working at its best. We are meant to be protective of our children. It’s how it should work.

So this mama bear instinct has made me ponder my own position on the topic of loose language out in the world. Before having a baby, if I would hear derogatory comments it wouldn’t particularly faze me. Depending on the situation or the word used, I have been known to say something like “hey, that’s not cool.” But now it makes me wonder – should I say more? What if my daughter was older and with me? What would she think if I didn’t address it? Is it safer to take the high road and not say something but then speak about it at home afterward? What about racial slurs or offensive language about people with disabilities (not just gay stuff)? I want to be a role model for my daughter but I also cringe at the idea of a confrontation or worse – an unsafe situation.

Hearing things I don’t like now immediately makes me think how I will have “the” talk with our daughter. Being a planner by nature, I try and envision how I want this conversation to go. I want both Missus Scooter and I to address the issue openly, honestly, fairly, proudly, and compassionately. It is very important to me to create an open relationship with my family, where no topic is off the table or taboo or too uncomfortable to talk about. I know that Missus Scooter and I set the tone on this and I feel really comfortable that we will be able to do that, from sex to teasing to boys to puberty.

But everyone’s had those moments when they have had an important conversation and then replayed it in their minds later, wishing they had done it differently. It’s probably unrealistic to expect this won’t happen when we talk with our daughter about important stuff. But I’d like to do it well most of the time, and I think that starts with envisioning the conversation ahead of time. How might it go? What might that look like? What might she say? What messages do I absolutely want to give her? Can I listen more than I talk? What lessons can I try and teach?


I can’t even imagine anyone teasing this sweet girl

In some ways, while I think about “the” conversation with sadness, I can also see the positive. It is an opening to have really big conceptual conversations with our daughter. And not just about the fact that she has two moms. It transcends to all kinds of morals like every person is unique and every family is unique. The words we use have power to make people feel good or make people feel bad. In our family we are conscious and aware of our language. In our family we don’t tease. In our family we try and be nice. If I’m honest, these are things I need to remind myself of now and then as well.

Have you thought about what your kids will be teased about and how you may address it?