When Mr. Train and I decided to adopt, we knew that we wanted to be open and honest about adoption. I didn’t want to be a cliche Lifetime movie scenario where the teenager finds out that his parents aren’t his biological family because of some genetics lesson in biology class. So we decided to set up our plan for talking with our future child about their life story. As it turns out we have an open adoption which gives us a lot of opportunities to discuss his biological family with him.
With most sensitive subjects, I feel that if a child is old enough to ask questions, then they are old enough for an age appropriate response. So Mr. Train and I decided that as our child grew older we would answer any questions he had with the details that we thought were understandable for his age. But in order for those conversations to start, we had to be the ones to initiate the recognition of his adoption.
In his first year of life we did not directly talk to him about it. It’s not like a 6 month old is going to retain that type of information. Our biggest thing during that first year was his actual adoption day. The day we signed the paperwork was just three days shy of his first birthday. We brought both sets of grandparents to the court house. We brought our twins who were three months by that time. We took pictures with the judge and our social workers and our lawyer. It was a celebration indeed and we enjoyed our special day.
Each year we have celebrated his adoption day. He gets a special treat for dessert. I try to not get cake since his birthday is three days later, so I pick something else to make sure it doesn’t just get lumped into his birthday celebrations. I also have a baby book that is dedicated to his adoption. It’s called My Family, My Journey: A baby book for Adoptive families. We have looked at this book together a number of times and discussed parts of his story. I don’t know if it’s all kids or just mine, but they love looking at their baby pictures.
Celebrating his his adoption day with a fruit tart. He is at an awkward smiling phase.
In addition to his adoption day being celebrated, we see both of his biological parents separately a few times a year. In the past when we have gone to these visits, he hadn’t really understood who they were. The concept of a biological family versus the family you live with can be a little tricky to explain without an understanding of the physical nature of creating a baby. For now they are Mr. and Miss (first names). I am going to call them Mr. and Miss X to help keep their names private. I know this sounds cold to some people, but I feel that putting the title in front of their first name is a sign of respect. Even our closest friends go by these titles. I want him to know that they are adults in his life who deserve honor and respect. I know a lot of people who use names like “tummy mommy” or “momma X,” but we were not comfortable with that. If our proceedings had been different we may have felt differently about what our son should call his biological family.
Between his baby book and our visits, he has only recently started asking questions regarding his adoption. He is now four and a half. Most of them have been with me while we are looking at old pictures. We have had this conversation several times. Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to figure it out or whether he just likes to hear it over and over again.
Son: That’s you with brothers in your tummy
Me: That’s right.
Son: Where is my picture?
Me: There is no picture of you in my tummy. You didn’t grow in my tummy?
Son: Where did I grow?
Me: In Miss X’s tummy
Son: Why?
Me: Because Miss X wanted to make sure you had a loving mommy and daddy. She decided that we were the best ones for the jobs and your father and I have loved you since the day you were born.
Son: OK can I see my Halloween picture when I was an Ewok.
I have played this conversation over and over again with him. It’s pretty much the same every single time. Then he moves on to look at other pictures in his book. He is a very perceptive little guy but doesn’t say much. I am wondering how much he is processing and saving up for more questions later on.
I can see it in his eyes that he is thinking about what we talk about
Although we have discussed growing in Miss X’s tummy, we have not gotten into who Mr. X is. For some reason it is a lot easier to explain the birth mother’s role than the birth father’s since ours are no longer together. At four, he doesn’t know about how babies are made except for that they grow in a woman’s tummy. This doesn’t leave much room for explaining what a biological father is. I know at some point he will ask and, like with all his questions, I will answer to the best of my ability.
Mr. Train and I have talked about what is appropriate and at what age. There were details in our adoption that were unpleasant. We know that we will never share these details unless he asks us directly. If he comes to me as a teenager and wants to know about his adoption, we will be honest in the most respectful way we can. The last thing I would ever want to do is give him a bad impression of his biological family. We have met some of his extended biological family and they have even come to some of the visits. They are pleasant people who care about his well-being. I think that is the most important thing to convey to him.
I want him to grow up knowing that your family is made up of ALL the people in your life that love you.
It is a difficult road to navigate sometimes because I always wonder what he understands and what is just over his head. Our agency talked with us about common questions like “Why was I placed for adoption? Why wasn’t I wanted?” We haven’t quite come to those heartbreaking questions yet, but he is starting to understand that his story is a little bit different from his brothers’ and sister. I hope as his mother I can guide him to an understanding that adoption is not about being unwanted, but rather being so loved by his biological family that they made the choice to give him a better life with us. I worry constantly about how adoption will play a part in forming who he is and I am hoping that we make it as easy as possible for him.
Do you have adoption stories in your family? How was communication about it handled?
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
lol. Moving on, there’s my Ewok picture. Love it.
I love your family! Creepy? I don’t care!
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
“With most sensitive subjects, I feel that if a child is old enough to ask questions, then they are old enough for an age appropriate response.”
I love that.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I love your heart. Your lil’ boy is so blessed to have found such a wonderful family… you are such a great mom!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
We have the same baby book. I just started filling it out today for Isaiah.
My brothers went through the very curious stage about their birth parents around 5-6. They asked questions all the time about why they didn’t live with them, and I think my mom responded to their questions well. I know they don’t know the details of their adoption, but my parents have done well about giving them the basics that satisfy their curiosity.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
CB tells us his adoption story and prays for his birth mommy and foster mommy, but he doesn’t really get it yet. We have a close-knit group of friends that are all adoptive families, so CB thinks everyone is born in Korea and adopted!
I’m interested to see how his thoughts and feelings and understandings will grow as he grows…and yes the whole birth father aspect is so tricky…
cantaloupe / 6923 posts
Love this!
honeydew / 7968 posts
Seems like you guys are handling it well! Good luck with all his qs in the future!
grapefruit / 4862 posts
I’m adopted (I actually talk to Mrs Nail Polish a lot about this) and I am SO GLAD I grew up always knowing. I had a book (that is like $70 now because it’s out of print, but I know there are others) that was called “Why Was I Adopted?” It outlines some reasons parents give up kids and why adoption happens, I am so glad I had it.
You have the same situation as my family – my younger siblings are not adopted. That caused more issue for me than being adopted, I felt different from my siblings. Some of it was legit- I was the only artistic one, and the only one who couldn’t play a sport to save their life. But knowing you are adopted, and being an angsty middle schooler, makes you look for things to boo-hoo about. I did have a normal childhood (instead of being told by a sibling that mom said I was adopted, like many non-adopted kids are told, my sister told me mom said she wished she didn’t adopt me! Different words, same sisterly sentiment, haha) I don’t know if boys are as much about the “drama” of being different as girls are, but just wanted to give you my experience being the oldest and adopted, too! I think you are doing an amazing job of making him aware and making sure he knows he can talk to you about it.
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This was a lovely post to read and thank you for sharing such a personal experience with your readers. Adoption is a very rewarding yet very difficult process and it’s hard to know how to handle all the problems and issues that may arise because of it. It sounds like you handled the adoption talk with your son extremely well and I especially loved the line “I want him to grow up knowing that your family is made up of ALL the people in your life that love you.” This post really reminded me of a memoir I just read by author Catana Tully, “Split at the Root” (http://splitattheroot.com/). The author writes from her own personal experience about being adopted and her struggles to find her identity, the true story behind her birth parents, and her place in the world. This book highlights important issues for those who have or plan to adopt. I found this book to be educational, and emotional roller coaster and an addictive page-turner (I feel this is pretty much everything a book needs!) Thank you so much for your story and I hope you give “Split at the Root” a read!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
@mrs. wagon: not creepy at all!
@Mrs. Polish: I hope I can guide him like mor mom did, there are absolutely hard question that he might ask.
@Mrs. Cowgirl: I love that he thinks all babies come from Korea. I just love a child’s innocence. My cousins used to say babies came on the train (their youngest brother was adopted while my aunt and uncle were in Japan and he they picked him up at a train station)
@KJfromNJ: My Aunt bought us that book. It is the one she used with her son. I worry constantly about how he will feel as he grows older with three biological siblings. Do you think having another adopted sibling would have made a difference?
Mellisa, thank you for the book recommendation. I will pick that one up next time I order form amazon. I read a bunch of books during our adoption but I am finding that as he is getting older I am wanted to know more about life as an adoptee so that I can help him as much as I can..
grapefruit / 4862 posts
@Mrs. Train: I don’t think another adopted sibling would have made a difference. Maybe if ALL siblings were adopted- but then you’re still comparing yourself to them based on you ALL having different backgrounds. I think other people took for granted that they and their siblings all came from the same place and had the same “even playing ground” of DNA so to speak. It made me focus on what made me different and looking at it from a genetic point of view. But I think what’s important to remember is that kids as they grow up look for EVERY reason to feel “different” or things to be upset about… you know the “my parents are too strict” or “I have food allergies and it’s too hard” etc etc. It’s just an easy out! I think that as long as he isn’t singled out (I know people who call their adopted son just that- our “adopted” son- UGH!!) in a bad way it should be fine, especailly if you can talk openly as a family about it. I remember when I was having a particularly emo 14 year old moment my youngest sister was like “who cares? You’re my sister.” and it really made me shut up (for a few days, at least!!!!)
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
@KJfromNJ: thank you so much for your insight. I have several friends who were adopted and I love (and am a little scared) by all of their feelings on the subject. Thank you so much for sharing with me.
grapefruit / 4862 posts
@Mrs. Train: ANYTIME!!!! If it makes you feel better, I look back at my drama and am really embarassed. And I am closer with my mom now than ever in my life, and my mom/sisters are my BEST friends in the entire world. My dad passed away when I was in college but he would have been in there too