For the first decade of our relationship, Mr. Tricycle and I rolled as a team of two. Our duo formed on the first day of college; we lived down the hall from each other so as the semester progressed, our lives slowly began to intertwine and we established a relationship groove that would serve as a template for the next ten years. I did his laundry and he baked me decadent desserts in the dorm kitchen. He helped me pass chemistry and I proofread his papers. He taught me to roller blade and I dragged him to art gallery openings. We fell into comfortable roles and a happy state of coupledom.
Mr. Tricycle and me during our freshman year of college. Wow, we look like babies!
Just after getting engaged during a trip to Laguna Beach
We settled in a new city, bought our first house, and started our professional careers. Over the decade, our relationship roles further cemented, and by the time we thought about a baby, it was pretty obvious that I was wearing the head caretaker hat.
Have you read The Five Love Languages? I totally speak “acts of service,” and I express my love for Mr. Tricycle by doing things. I mow the lawn, I make the morning coffee, I pay the bills, I make sure we’re well fed and our clothes are clean. Let me be VERY clear – I LIKE taking care of people – it’s how I show my love. (I know that by fulfilling a more traditional definition of wife, I am flouting all sorts of feminist principles, but don’t worry, Gloria Steinem would be proud of other decisions I make in my life.) Mr. Tricycle is fluent in the “acts of service” love language, and digs being on the receiving end of all my care taking. We had our roles, and we weren’t complaining.
Fast-forward a few years. We discuss and discuss and decide it’s time to procreate. Some months later the Trikester arrives, and suddenly we’re no longer a team of two. There’s now an interloper (of the crying, fussy, demanding variety) who has his own opinions on how to run a household. The Trikester doesn’t yet understand that relationships are a two way street, so he (as every baby should) takes and takes and takes, requiring me to give, give, and give.
As any mama can attest to, the giving reservoir isn’t limitless. For the first three months of the Trikester’s life, after taking care of a baby 24/7, I had virtually nothing left to offer my husband. I wasn’t available to scratch his back, make him a salad, or even ride shotgun in the passenger’s seat on road trips. Mr. Tricycle was great about going with the flow, but it’s not easy to wholeheartedly accept a relationship overhaul when one’s become accustomed to a certain way of life.
During those first few months my hormones were in mega overdrive, so between the sleep deprivation and baby overload, I convinced myself that Mr. Tricycle was going to divorce me over the latest meal of frozen peas and microwaved burritos. This totally wasn’t the case, and he spent a lot of energy convincing me that he wasn’t going anywhere – growing pains might be uncomfortable, but they weren’t going to cause our marriage to flat-line.
In moments of doubt, I spent my 2:00 AM nursing sessions Googling things like “balancing role of mother and wife.” There’s oodles of info on thriving as a mother and career woman, but not so much out there on how to balance between mother and wife. Why? Where are all the tips for harmonizing these two roles? (Check out this NY Times article that looks at the evolving definition of “wife” – it sort of answers my question.)
After lots of Internet searching, and plenty of thinking about how to improve our own day-to-day relationship with a new baby, I came up with a list. Here are my tips for holding a relationship together after baby arrives:
- Accept that the first few months after a new baby arrives might be rocky. Your duo just became a trio and adjustments take time. This becoming a family thing is filled with joy, but it’s hard.
- Let your partner do some of the baby work. Sure, nobody changes a diaper quite like you, but by allowing your significant other to pitch-in, it frees up time for you to attend to THEIR needs. Maybe that means baking their favorite cookies or scratching their back – whatever floats their boat.
- Change your priorities. Your partner might not come first, but you can put them in front of vacuuming, laundry and dishes. You don’t have to live with a messy house forever, but it won’t kill you to let it slide for a few months so you can devote some of your energy to your relationship.
- Sit next to your partner while you’re feeding the baby. Sure, the recliner is more ergonomic, but don’t underestimate the power of simple physical contact – bumping knees and elbows might be the only action you’re seeing, but it’s better than nothing.
- Turn the baby monitor off as needed. Nothing kills a conversation faster than an amplified whimper. As adults, you need uninterrupted time to talk – staring at the baby monitor makes it hard to truly connect. Even though it’s tricky, you can go ten minutes without witnessing the play-by-play from the crib. If the baby starts screaming, you’ll hear it.
- Buy a pack of post-its and scrawl quick love notes. Leave them in the car, a lunch box, the bathroom mirror – wherever your SO might unexpectedly find one. You might not have any time to spare, but at least they know you’re thinking of them.
I don’t know if it’s humanly possible to be an equally good wife AND mother (there are only 24 hours in a day, after all). Six months into the expansion I’m still working on figuring out the balancing act, but hopefully a few proactive measures can ensure that the new baby doesn’t leave our own relationship high and dry.
Did your relationship experience growing pains as you added babies to the mix? As a mom, what do you do to ensure a healthy relationship with your partner?
pomelo / 5178 posts
My husband and I also met the first weekend of college, and within a month, we were a pretty solid couple.
We’ve been together almost 9 years and married 4 tomorrow!
I can honestly say, though, that having a baby was the hardest adjustment we have had to make. I’m also an “acts of service” type of person, and I had a lot of trouble giving up control over our daughter’s care, even to her daddy! Once I learned how to share the work and responsibility, things got a lot better for us. Now, with two kids, we’re doing better than ever, even getting back to doing some of our old favorite hobbies together, like book discussions and putting together puzzles. It’s really, really nice to have my husband back.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
the first few months were rough–i was so preoccupied with the baby that it left very little for us, and my husband wasn’t as in the weeds as i was. we didn’t fight that much, but we weren’t connecting. now that we’re 3.5 months in, things are better. after we put LO to bed, and i start getting ready for bed a couple of hours later, my husband and i pillow talk or just cuddle in bed until it’s time for me to konk out (he stays up a little later). i honestly think that our quality time is directly correlated to LO having a more predictable schedule and nighttime sleep pattern, which didn’t start happening until recently (and i’m sure will change again).
ETA: love that first photo–so cute!
coffee bean / 47 posts
I’m very afraid of what might happen after the baby comes. My husband and I don’t really have a set-schedule relationship as it is because of our opposite schedules. He’s a baker and works in the middle of the night, whereas I work a normal day job. For the last four years of our relationship, we only see each other maybe an hour or two a day (at best) and one full day during the weekend. I really hope that we can sort out schedules and responsibilites once the baby comes, but it’s in my nature to worry a little bit about the future.
Any suggestions on battling opposite schedules?
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
I struggle with this balancing act as well. I find myself so many nights sitting on the couch with computer just wanting to be quiet and not bother to make the effort to connect with my husband after a long day. I do try to be more intentional but sometimes I fall very short.
I am ordering the book you mentioned and adding this to the goal list for this month! Thank you for making me remember just how important the marriage is!
honeydew / 7444 posts
I also struggle with this balancing act, as i’m a “acts of service” gal myself. Even at 13 months, i still struggle to have some energy left for DH. After almost 12 years of being together, the addition of a baby is quite a change to our lives. Thankfully, DH understands and appreciates the effort i make for LO.
pear / 1787 posts
This is such an important topic, and one I’ve been worrying about a lot lately (first baby due in November). I love your tips!
As a feminist, though, I have to say that you don’t need to apologize for enjoying more traditional roles in your household–feminism is all about women making their own choices! You are not “flouting feminist principles” by choosing for yourself. Also, I believe you mean Gloria Steinem, not Steinman.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
This is something I think about often, because my DH needs constant attention when we are home together and demands that I rub him if I’m not actively making dinner or cleaning. It doesn’t need to be a full on deep tissue massage, as long as my hand is touching his back he’s happy. So what you said about asking your DH to help out with the baby so you can focus on your DH completely relates to how I think our lives are going to be after baby. I picture my DH holding the little bundle while I sit behind him and rub his back. Otherwise, it ain’t going to happen!
blogger / pear / 1964 posts
@DigAPony: Oops! Thanks for pointing that out — I still managed to misspell her name, even after looking it up. And I like the idea that feminism is about making your own choices — not sure I’ve thought about it that way before — more reading on feminism might be in my future!
blogger / pear / 1964 posts
@Mrs. Tea: My MIL gave this book to us for Christmas one year, and then bribed my husband with a $20 bill to actually read it.
It was really helpful in identifying our similarities and differences in how we express our love.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Your college pic is so cute! How young we were. DH and I also started dating in college, and we’ve been together 11 years now (married for 7 in July). Crazy how time flies!
“During those first few months my hormones were in mega overdrive, so between the sleep deprivation and baby overload, I convinced myself that Mr. Tricycle was going to divorce me over the latest meal of frozen peas and microwaved burritos.”
TOTALLY. With my PPD and hormones going nuts, I was also convinced DH was going to leave me because, in my words, I had “lost my mind.” I didn’t feel like I was the woman he married; instead, I was a shell of a woman, miserable, wondering if I could ever get a handle on being a mom and have a life. Those first couple months were rough, and I think the growing pains are very normal!
We made an effort, even in the early weeks, to try to have some time alone without the baby. I remember my mom came over to watch LO so DH and I could go and just have dinner out and have a normal dinner and conversation for an hour. I realize it is a luxury to have family so close by, and not everyone has this readily available to them, so this could be impossible to do. But since we had them around, I took advantage of every offer they gave me to give me a break, even if it was just for an hour.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
We read the love lang book during our premarital counseling and found that I am a def acts of service shower of love and DH is also like Mr. T, and has enjoyed being on the receiving end for years.
We def went through our growing pains with adjusting to life with baby and the changes in our roles as just us two, it def takes a more conscious effort on both of our parts. As we face six months, I think day by day it gets easier for us both to balance out US as a couple and US as parents.
coconut / 8079 posts
We are just about to start trying for Baby #1 so I am saving this for future reference. Thanks!
My husband and I have also benefited greatly from the 5 Love Languages book. I would highly reccomend it to all couples, no matter how long you have been together. It is a very quick read too.
grapefruit / 4903 posts
My love language is quality time and my husband’s is acts of service. Those are so hard reconcile with a newborn! Not to mention that for me, the biggest surprise of life with my LO was the total lack of personal space. For the first couple of months, she had to be in my arms or she was crying. When I could finally put her down, I really just wanted space. It’s definitely been an adjustment period. I do think we’re stronger for it, but adjusting while hormonal and sleep deprived is hard! At the end of the day, our kids will benefit far more from parents with a strong marriage than they’ll be hurt by squawking for an extra ten minutes before we see to them as babies.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
My love languages are words of affirmation and it used to be quality time, but time is hard to come by these days so I really really appreciate acts of service now. Acts of service happens to be DH’s love language, but sometimes I really need to hear that I’m doing a good job or that he “sees me” and sees all that I do for the family. Otherwise, I feel taken for granted. A kind word or two of recognition does wonders for my soul.
Your points are spot on, and I especially couldn’t agree more with Point #2. We were blessed to have family around to help when we had our first, so the transition was manageable for us since we did have opportunities to go on date nights just the two of us that first year of new parenthood. Once DD started STTN, we also got a lot of alone time back as a couple after we put her to sleep at 7 pm. Those hours at night were glorious, even if it was just sitting side by side watching some TV.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I think this is the hardest part of having children for me. I know that I need to make more of a priority to take care of our relationship because I tend to get so overwhelmed with the demands of the baby and my job that I forget about poor Mr. TTT.
olive / 73 posts
The hardest part for me and DH has been the lack of sex since I gave birth. We both have “physical touch” as our primary love language, so physical intimacy is what facilitates our intimacy in every aspect of our marriage. Our LO is 5 months old and we’ve given up on sex because it is still ridiculously painful for me. I’m going to see an OB about it soon. It has really taken a toll on us, and we are not okay with having a sexless marriage.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
For the first year of our boys lives I have no clue how we survived let alone kept our marriage healthy. I think we just survived. Now we make sure we have date nights. Sometimes we have in house dates nights where we just watch tv together other times we get sitters and go out. I try to listen to what he asks of me. If he asks me to make something for dinner I try to make it happen. I am an acts of service person too so luckily that is easy for me to do and enjoy doing.
A group of moms from my church are about to start the book “the husband project” so we will see how that goes.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
I love this. I’ve been thinking a lot about balancing these roles. I want our marriage to be a priority because ultimately that benefits us and our children, but it is certainly challenging to focus on anything but keeping us all alive every day.
Seeing DH be a great daddy to my sons adds a new facet of love for him that I couldn’t have had pre-baby, and we definitely try to tackle this as a team. I’ve read too many stories about parents, and parents of multiples in particular, having failed marriages because it’s really tough to adjust to life as parents and not let your role as spouses become neglected. It’s just so challenging to apply this on a day-by-day, hour-by-hour basis.
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
What a great post! I feel like I just got the balance here… and we’re mixing in a new little one! Huh. Maybe I should start figuring out how to handle two and a husband before it’s my reality!
I have NOT read that book… but just added it to my list. It sounds interesting!