For the first decade of our relationship, Mr. Tricycle and I rolled as a team of two. Our duo formed on the first day of college; we lived down the hall from each other so as the semester progressed, our lives slowly began to intertwine and we established a relationship groove that would serve as a template for the next ten years. I did his laundry and he baked me decadent desserts in the dorm kitchen. He helped me pass chemistry and I proofread his papers. He taught me to roller blade and I dragged him to art gallery openings. We fell into comfortable roles and a happy state of coupledom.

Mr. Tricycle and me during our freshman year of college. Wow, we look like babies!

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 The years passed, and, as generally happens in most serious relationships, we moved on to an engagement and then a wedding.

Just after getting engaged during a trip to Laguna Beach

We settled in a new city, bought our first house, and started our professional careers. Over the decade, our relationship roles further cemented, and by the time we thought about a baby, it was pretty obvious that I was wearing the head caretaker hat.

Have you read The Five Love Languages? I totally speak “acts of service,” and I express my love for Mr. Tricycle by doing things. I mow the lawn, I make the morning coffee, I pay the bills, I make sure we’re well fed and our clothes are clean. Let me be VERY clear – I LIKE taking care of people – it’s how I show my love. (I know that by fulfilling a more traditional definition of wife, I am flouting all sorts of feminist principles, but don’t worry, Gloria Steinem would be proud of other decisions I make in my life.)  Mr. Tricycle is fluent in the “acts of service” love language, and digs being on the receiving end of all my care taking. We had our roles, and we weren’t complaining.

Fast-forward a few years. We discuss and discuss and decide it’s time to procreate. Some months later the Trikester arrives, and suddenly we’re no longer a team of two. There’s now an interloper (of the crying, fussy, demanding variety) who has his own opinions on how to run a household. The Trikester doesn’t yet understand that relationships are a two way street, so he (as every baby should) takes and takes and takes, requiring me to give, give, and give.

As any mama can attest to, the giving reservoir isn’t limitless. For the first three months of the Trikester’s life, after taking care of a baby 24/7, I had virtually nothing left to offer my husband. I wasn’t available to scratch his back, make him a salad, or even ride shotgun in the passenger’s seat on road trips. Mr. Tricycle was great about going with the flow, but it’s not easy to wholeheartedly accept a relationship overhaul when one’s become accustomed to a certain way of life.

Our trio at Easter

During those first few months my hormones were in mega overdrive, so between the sleep deprivation and baby overload, I convinced myself that Mr. Tricycle was going to divorce me over the latest meal of frozen peas and microwaved burritos. This totally wasn’t the case, and he spent a lot of energy convincing me that he wasn’t going anywhere – growing pains might be uncomfortable, but they weren’t going to cause our marriage to flat-line.

In moments of doubt, I spent my 2:00 AM nursing sessions Googling things like “balancing role of mother and wife.” There’s oodles of info on thriving as a mother and career woman, but not so much out there on how to balance between mother and wife. Why? Where are all the tips for harmonizing these two roles? (Check out this NY Times article that looks at the evolving definition of “wife” – it sort of answers my question.)

After lots of Internet searching, and plenty of thinking about how to improve our own day-to-day relationship with a new baby, I came up with a list. Here are my tips for holding a relationship together after baby arrives:

  • Accept that the first few months after a new baby arrives might be rocky. Your duo just became a trio and adjustments take time.  This becoming a family thing is filled with joy, but it’s hard.
  • Let your partner do some of the baby work. Sure, nobody changes a diaper quite like you, but by allowing your significant other to pitch-in, it frees up time for you to attend to THEIR needs. Maybe that means baking their favorite cookies or scratching their back – whatever floats their boat.
  • Change your priorities. Your partner might not come first, but you can put them in front of vacuuming, laundry and dishes. You don’t have to live with a messy house forever, but it won’t kill you to let it slide for a few months so you can devote some of your energy to your relationship.
  • Sit next to your partner while you’re feeding the baby. Sure, the recliner is more ergonomic, but don’t underestimate the power of simple physical contact – bumping knees and elbows might be the only action you’re seeing, but it’s better than nothing.
  • Turn the baby monitor off as needed. Nothing kills a conversation faster than an amplified whimper. As adults, you need uninterrupted time to talk – staring at the baby monitor makes it hard to truly connect. Even though it’s tricky, you can go ten minutes without witnessing the play-by-play from the crib. If the baby starts screaming, you’ll hear it.
  • Buy a pack of post-its and scrawl quick love notes. Leave them in the car, a lunch box, the bathroom mirror – wherever your SO might unexpectedly find one. You might not have any time to spare, but at least they know you’re thinking of them.

I don’t know if it’s humanly possible to be an equally good wife AND mother (there are only 24 hours in a day, after all). Six months into the expansion I’m still working on figuring out the balancing act, but hopefully a few proactive measures can ensure that the new baby doesn’t leave our own relationship high and dry.

Did your relationship experience growing pains as you added babies to the mix? As a mom, what do you do to ensure a healthy relationship with your partner?