Before having kids, there were several ways I would and did describe myself.  Volunteer coordinator. Travel lover.  Scrapbooker extraordinaire.  Mr. Confetti’s wife. Twenty-something loving life in a new city.  When meeting new people or catching up with acquaintances, I rarely found questions about myself to be awkward or uncomfortable and could chat about what was going on in my life with ease.

Becoming a stay-at-home-mom has changed that for me.  Somehow because my job is providing full-time childcare to our son, I find that our friends, especially those furthest from being ready for kids of their own, don’t quite know what to do with me. Somewhere in the process of joining the ranks of SAHM, my identity became entangled so much with Little C’s that it felt like I was getting lost. People who once asked how I was doing or how work was going now just ask, “How’s C?” or “What is C up to these days?” Yes, I knew that our friends were curious about Little C, his achievements, his cute quirks and latest antics, but what about me?


Just because Little C is in the picture doesn’t mean I am not a unique individual too….right?

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I don’t think any of our friends without children have ever asked me if I enjoy being a SAHM or what my new role is like.  I have been asked some less flattering questions: “So, do you get to watch a lot of TV?”  “What do you do all day?” “What do you mean, you can’t meet me out for lunch? It’s not like you work.”  I saw myself becoming quieter, participating less in conversations with friends because I didn’t feel like I had much to contribute that they would be interested in.

Other people share and commiserate about their triumphs and challenges and horrible days at work, but I have perceived that no one outside of those deep in the infant/toddler parenting world seem to want to hear about the highs and lows of being a child’s primary caregiver 24/7.  The highs are deeply personal, and things that are a big deal to me (like Little C venturing from my lap at play group as he becomes more independent or learning a new word to express himself with less frustration) don’t really hold great meaning for others. Moreover, because being a SAHM is my choice – one that I’m very lucky to have, it feels inappropriate to say anything negative about my situation and even worse, about my child (because yes, there are days when my baby is not made of sunshine and rainbows – some days it’s more like whining, hair pulling and pooping in the tub).

It was just over a year ago that I said goodbye to my life in the work force (or at least ta-ta for now).  And after six months of feeling like I was losing my identity to stay-at-home-motherhood, I decided that I needed to make a change and be proactive in redefining myself in this new role.  Yes, I am Little C’s mom, and Mr. Confetti’s wife. No, I don’t get to travel nearly as often, and I don’t always control my own schedule – my little night and nap dictator does that for now.

But to friends out there who don’t know what to say to me these days, there are so many other things that are interesting about me.

  • Since discovering the joy that is “nap jail” – being stuck in the house while Little C is sleeping – I have gotten really excited about some new hobbies.  I’ve always loved scrapbooking, but recently decided that the best way to improve my albums was to improve the photos themselves. I enrolled in a year-long certificate program for photography, and I am loving it!  I am in the process of opening an Etsy shop too, to turn my crafty side into a new venture for potential income.  I’ve rediscovered my love for reading non-parenting books – everything from YA dystopian novels to the ever-debated Lean In, and I would love to hear about what you recently read too.
  • Because I manage what we are eating at home, and we eat in most nights, I have become more adventurous in the kitchen.  I’ve been experimenting with cooking foods I would normally just order off of a restaurant menu, including chicken marsala, homemade gnocchi, sweet and sour chicken, sushi, avocado creme enchiladas and more.  Eating at the Confetti house on the weekends has become like traveling throughout the globe, all from within the walls of our kitchen.  Oh yeah, and I am learning how to bake (and revisiting a former love – the gym – as a result).
  • How’s work?  Well, being a SAHM has been eye opening as far as the things that mattered most to me at work and how I have grown and changed since starting this new role.  It’s strange not having a boss who can give you a status update on your achievements.  As much as I have been frustrated with managers in the past, being my own boss has been quite the change and part of me misses having someone who can give me feedback on my performance.  I miss being able to take 5 or 10 minutes at my leisure to surf People.com without thinking about the dishes that need washing, the laundry that needs folding, the dinner that needs prepping or the hundreds of other things I should be during during my precious downtime I get while C naps. But People.com doesn’t hold a candle to the people in my life who mean the most to me, and for that I am so lucky and so blessed.  I love that this new role allows me to interact more with people face-to-face, rather than via email from behind my desk.  Staying home with Little C has also improved my patience and taught me the importance of being present as I interact with him, rather than always thinking about what’s coming next or checking my iPhone for the zillionth time in a day. It forces me to think outside the box and push myself to find new ways to entertain him and encourage him to learn and grow.

In some ways, I’m glad this self-perceived loss of identity pushed me to be more aware of the growing set of passions, hobbies, interests and characteristics that define me.  While I still occasionally fret about what I’ll talk about at a party or how people view me as a SAHM, a year in, I am definitely more in tune with my identity, not just as Little C’s mom but as myself. .

How has motherhood changed your identity and the way people perceive you?