Before having kids, there were several ways I would and did describe myself. Volunteer coordinator. Travel lover. Scrapbooker extraordinaire. Mr. Confetti’s wife. Twenty-something loving life in a new city. When meeting new people or catching up with acquaintances, I rarely found questions about myself to be awkward or uncomfortable and could chat about what was going on in my life with ease.
Becoming a stay-at-home-mom has changed that for me. Somehow because my job is providing full-time childcare to our son, I find that our friends, especially those furthest from being ready for kids of their own, don’t quite know what to do with me. Somewhere in the process of joining the ranks of SAHM, my identity became entangled so much with Little C’s that it felt like I was getting lost. People who once asked how I was doing or how work was going now just ask, “How’s C?” or “What is C up to these days?” Yes, I knew that our friends were curious about Little C, his achievements, his cute quirks and latest antics, but what about me?
Just because Little C is in the picture doesn’t mean I am not a unique individual too….right?
I don’t think any of our friends without children have ever asked me if I enjoy being a SAHM or what my new role is like. I have been asked some less flattering questions: “So, do you get to watch a lot of TV?” “What do you do all day?” “What do you mean, you can’t meet me out for lunch? It’s not like you work.” I saw myself becoming quieter, participating less in conversations with friends because I didn’t feel like I had much to contribute that they would be interested in.
Other people share and commiserate about their triumphs and challenges and horrible days at work, but I have perceived that no one outside of those deep in the infant/toddler parenting world seem to want to hear about the highs and lows of being a child’s primary caregiver 24/7. The highs are deeply personal, and things that are a big deal to me (like Little C venturing from my lap at play group as he becomes more independent or learning a new word to express himself with less frustration) don’t really hold great meaning for others. Moreover, because being a SAHM is my choice – one that I’m very lucky to have, it feels inappropriate to say anything negative about my situation and even worse, about my child (because yes, there are days when my baby is not made of sunshine and rainbows – some days it’s more like whining, hair pulling and pooping in the tub).
It was just over a year ago that I said goodbye to my life in the work force (or at least ta-ta for now). And after six months of feeling like I was losing my identity to stay-at-home-motherhood, I decided that I needed to make a change and be proactive in redefining myself in this new role. Yes, I am Little C’s mom, and Mr. Confetti’s wife. No, I don’t get to travel nearly as often, and I don’t always control my own schedule – my little night and nap dictator does that for now.
But to friends out there who don’t know what to say to me these days, there are so many other things that are interesting about me.
- Since discovering the joy that is “nap jail” – being stuck in the house while Little C is sleeping – I have gotten really excited about some new hobbies. I’ve always loved scrapbooking, but recently decided that the best way to improve my albums was to improve the photos themselves. I enrolled in a year-long certificate program for photography, and I am loving it! I am in the process of opening an Etsy shop too, to turn my crafty side into a new venture for potential income. I’ve rediscovered my love for reading non-parenting books – everything from YA dystopian novels to the ever-debated Lean In, and I would love to hear about what you recently read too.
- Because I manage what we are eating at home, and we eat in most nights, I have become more adventurous in the kitchen. I’ve been experimenting with cooking foods I would normally just order off of a restaurant menu, including chicken marsala, homemade gnocchi, sweet and sour chicken, sushi, avocado creme enchiladas and more. Eating at the Confetti house on the weekends has become like traveling throughout the globe, all from within the walls of our kitchen. Oh yeah, and I am learning how to bake (and revisiting a former love – the gym – as a result).
- How’s work? Well, being a SAHM has been eye opening as far as the things that mattered most to me at work and how I have grown and changed since starting this new role. It’s strange not having a boss who can give you a status update on your achievements. As much as I have been frustrated with managers in the past, being my own boss has been quite the change and part of me misses having someone who can give me feedback on my performance. I miss being able to take 5 or 10 minutes at my leisure to surf People.com without thinking about the dishes that need washing, the laundry that needs folding, the dinner that needs prepping or the hundreds of other things I should be during during my precious downtime I get while C naps. But People.com doesn’t hold a candle to the people in my life who mean the most to me, and for that I am so lucky and so blessed. I love that this new role allows me to interact more with people face-to-face, rather than via email from behind my desk. Staying home with Little C has also improved my patience and taught me the importance of being present as I interact with him, rather than always thinking about what’s coming next or checking my iPhone for the zillionth time in a day. It forces me to think outside the box and push myself to find new ways to entertain him and encourage him to learn and grow.
In some ways, I’m glad this self-perceived loss of identity pushed me to be more aware of the growing set of passions, hobbies, interests and characteristics that define me. While I still occasionally fret about what I’ll talk about at a party or how people view me as a SAHM, a year in, I am definitely more in tune with my identity, not just as Little C’s mom but as myself. .
How has motherhood changed your identity and the way people perceive you?
pomegranate / 3401 posts
Thank you for this post. I’m about to embark on my career as a SAHM and even though I feel infinitely lucky and blessed, I’m also a little scared…for the exact reasons of identity that you mentioned in your post.
persimmon / 1230 posts
Thanks for this post! I’ve been on maternity leave since January (it’s difficult to think of myself as a true SAHM since I’m going back to work in a month) and have struggled with many of the same issues. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing of interest to offer other people because I’m so absorbed with all things baby. I still haven’t come to terms with my new identity, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
I went through a bit of an identity crisis after Aliya was born. I thought I knew who I was pre-kids. I knew what I enjoyed, my strengths, and I thought I knew where I was “headed” career-wise. After she was born, everything for me changed. I didn’t feel confident. In fact, most days (in the early early days) I felt like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and my confidence waned. I knew my life had forever changed; my schedule was not based on me anymore, but on my little baby who pretty much dictated when I needed to feed her, change her, try to sleep her…I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I didn’t know myself as a mom yet either.
It took me some time, but once I felt more comfortable in my new skin/role as a mom, I began to feel more confident overall in my new identity. I was still me, with a new dimension of me.
squash / 13199 posts
I enjoyed reading this post and such a cute photo!
persimmon / 1295 posts
Great post.
thank you
pomegranate / 3225 posts
Thank you! I’m so scared of becoming the stereotypical SAHM!
apricot / 398 posts
Thank you for this post. I’m also a SAHM and can relate to everything you said. There are days I feel sad about not being as close to certain friends, because we no longer have that much in common. I’ve also gotten a lot closer to other mommy friends, so I’m grateful for that. It’s definitely an adjustment, but I feel blessed that I’m able to stay home with my DD because I feel it’s the best thing for her right now.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
I’m not a SAHM and LO isn’t here yet, but I can totally relate to people only asking you about little C and not yourself. When I got a dog, that is all anyone ever asked me about. Even for years after I gave her to my parents, people who knew I had had a dog only asked me about her. Now that I’m pregnant, people only ask me about the pregnancy – which I can understand, but it does get annoying.
cherry / 119 posts
loved this post. for some reason i often feel shy or embarrassed when people who don’t have kids ask me what i’ve been up to, and all i have to say is taking care of leah. i’m embarrassed because i feel judged that they think that means i don’t do anything, while they often tell me about their career achievements. while i have taken up some new hobbies, this post has motivated me to sit down and really think of a better way to answer that question!
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
Bless you! I love this. I feel very similarly. Mostly because I SAHM, also because I moved away from a place that partially defined me. It has been difficult but I know I am in the best year of my life! But even the best times are hard sometimes!
guest
Thank you for your honesty. My little one is nearly 4 months, and while adjusting to motherhood has been challenging, I can’t imagine returning to work. I have been in tears so often, feeling frustrated that I am not a ‘natural mom’ as I thought I would be, but I get rewarded each time baby reaches a new milestone. Friends don’t get why I am so excited that my baby reached out for her reflection, but that is my performance review, telling me I have done something right! I don’t want to give up old friends just because they don’t have kids, but conversation is easier with other moms.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
This is such a wonderful post. I’m 4 months in, and I’m still struggling to find my identity. I try to write about it and feel like I’m coming across as a whiny, ungrateful b. I just started babysitting a little girl who rolled onto her tummy for her nap today on her own. When her mom told me that it was the first time, I told dh that that is the reason why I’m glad I’m home. I don’t want to miss things like that. I do have bad days though, and even declared that I wanted to go back to work a few days ago. I’m getting to the point where I’m accepting my new me, and now I’m excited to see how things are when I’m a year in. I already notice a big difference from the beginning until now.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
I didn’t feel as lost with my identity with one as I do now that I have two. Maybe it’s b/c I’ve been single parenting it for the last 1.5 months and another 1.5 months to go but I do feel lost. I feel like a robot slave to my two boys who both demand my attention all the time as long as their eyes are open. I hope that after we move and get some live-in help I can start to find my identity again. Find my passion for something again. I LOVE photography and hope to improve on my skills and editing as well and getting back into doing yoga or running. I also want to start building my resume back up again… I don’t want to be completely lost when I do want to go back to work… maybe after my youngest is in full-time school. I guess we’ll see how this all pans out! Having said all of that, I do enjoy staying home with my boys and don’t regret it one bit. As crazy as this household can be with them and our dog without my husband around these days they are the ones who make me laugh until my cheeks hurt with their craziness and just the things toddlers do.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
Great pst. I may have felt like this when my boys were infants. To be honest I can’t remember. Caring for three infants really just took everything I had and there was literally nothing left of me to think about my own identity. When my twins were 1 I came out of a baby fog and realized I needed other mom friends. I joined a mothers group and it was then best decision I could have made. It really helped me settle into life as a SAHM (even though I was a year and a half in). I did quickly become known as the one with all the babies but I didn’t mind. It is a part of who I am now and I love it.
pomelo / 5258 posts
Great post. You mention friends only asking how LO is. I realize I’m guilty of this too. I should be checking in more with my mama friends. I usually throw it in conversation, “how are you & LO doing?” but I’m going to make a point to ask more directly.
cherry / 175 posts
Thank you for this post. With an 8 month-old at home, I’m hitting a wall, too, finding myself in a bit of an ‘identity crisis’ as an individual. We recently went on a vacation with my husband’s family over the holiday weekend and I found myself stuck inside with my LO, missing out on many of the lakeside activities I once enjoyed while I was entertaining her or allowing her to nap inside. I’m also struggling with this in my day-to-day, trying to find ways to incorporate time with her while doing some things I like to do (like running or reading).
Don’t get me wrong, I love being with my little girl and having the opportunity to see her milestones and aid in her development, but a few moments here and there to do the things I love once again wouldn’t hurt. I often get these pangs of guilt when I consider doing them though…. Anyone else experience this?
The balance is hard. And, yes, relating with friends who don’t have kids is a challenge, although I’m learning to make new friends with other mothers. New friends is never a bad thing!
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
Thank you for acknowledging that not everyone is lucky enough to be able to SAHM with their LOs! .
I hope some of your friends will read this and realize your day isn’t just all fun & games!)
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
“I saw myself becoming quieter, participating less in conversations with friends because I didn’t feel like I had much to contribute that they would be interested in.”
This exactly. I have nothing to talk about with many of my friends anymore.
olive / 64 posts
I love your posts. You are so honest and often describe exactly how I have felt through my SAHM journey (my Henry is 14 mo). I am impressed that you have made time to focus a little bit on your hobbies. Can you give some advice on how you do it all? I feel overwhelmed by housework, laundry, grocery shopping and cooking every meal. Henry can be very clingy or or he getting to trouble lol. It’s a battle to even cook us eggs in the morning sometimes. I’ve thought about hiring some cleaning help maybe 1x/mo but I’m also a litte self conscience about it since I do stay home Any advice would be really appriciated!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I always have stuff to talk about, no matter if I am staying at home or working! I usually talk about books or restaurants, which everyone has something to say about!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
i enjoyed reading this post. even though i’m not an SAHM, your points resonated with me because i want to maintain my identity separate from LO and work. i usually get home, take care of putting LO to bed, get bottles/food ready for the next day, and just veg out until it’s time to go to bed. i’d like to spend my time more productively, like exercising or working on photo albums.
persimmon / 1255 posts
I know exactly how you feel. I was a SAHM for the first 18 mos after LO arrived and have since taken up an uncomplicated part-time job in a field that is not remotely close to my previous career. I love my current lifestyle but it always feels a bit weird when I meet people for the first time and they ask me what I’m up to – makes me want to recite my resume so that they know that I used to do “great” things. I blame society for not classifying child-rearing as something “great”.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
@Ginabean3: Don’t be scared! You will be GREAT! Especially if you are thinking about stuff like this in advance – I wish I was as on top of things then…
@Katrocap: I hear ya – it’s nice to know we’re not alone with these feelings, right?!
@sweet_p: It’s hard not to be sad about the change in relationships with pre-baby friends – I’m the same way – but I’m glad you have some mom friends to commiserate with too!
@mrsvivian: I often feel that weird twinge of embarrassment too when people ask what i do. It’s frustrating that our roles aren’t more valued, but you are doing SUCH IMPORTANT WORK! You are awesome and don’t let anyone make you feel judged – you know how hard your job is
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
@Mrs. Sketchbook: @Mrs. Polish: We really are so lucky, right?! The great times may be hard, but they are wonderful too, especially never missing a big moment in LO’s lives
@erwoo: I can only imagine how hectic life is with 2, and can totally see how you’d feel caught up with them in the chaos – I too think about what my resume will look like when I (maybe) go back to work once all my future kids are in full-day school.
@Corduroy: It’s so true – even though it drives me crazy, I’m sure I probably do the same as well. I am going to try to be better about it too!
@LaurelMae: Pangs of guilt – all the time. And yes, new mom friends are definitely a good thing. If I hadn’t found my new mom friends, I doubt I would have ever found the momentum in my life to push myself out of my new mom slump/identity crisis.
@edelweiss: Totally – it’s so easy to get stuck on the couch when you are exhausted from your day. I’ve found by just making a list of all the non-TV things I want to do with my down time, it helps a ton to not get stuck on my couch.
@Red: I know what you mean about wanting to recite your resume. While I’ve toyed with getting a low-stress part time job in another field, I can’t imagine telling people about it and it keeps me from even looking/applying. Good for you!!
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
@Theresa: Concrete advice is so tough because what worked/works for me may just totally not work for you, but I will do my best. I try to really take advantage of nights and naps because I too have a clingy, disaster-finding monster child who doesn’t let me get other things done so easily while he is up. During nap #1, I shower, straighten up, do other household chores and put in and hopefully switch laundry (while I fold and put away while C is awake). Then usually during nap #2, I can have hobby time and cook after C is asleep at night or cook dinner during nap and then relax and do my own thing at night. When I cook, I do everything in double batch so we can eat it for 2-3 days so we can cook less. Before I had a cleaning lady coming, I tried to have a chore routine so every Monday was bathroom, every Tuesday was vacuum, etc. BUT – don’t be embarrassed/ashamed to get help with cleaning – remember that you aren’t just hanging out all day – watching your child is a JOB. Also, I don’t get to every “hobby” every day or every week – I can go weeks without picking up a book or baking, but I try to keep a list of upcoming projects (I have mine flagged on my personal goal as goals for 2013), so that every time I want to collapse on the couch and just stare at Bravo or the Food Network, I can think – what else will make me feel more recharged rather than just drained…
Hope this helps! And I love that we have such similar kiddos and have never met. Parenthood really is the great equalizer
olive / 64 posts
Mrs Confetti: Thank you so much for taking time to answer my question. Although our days our not similar (Henry is already a 1 napper) you have given me some good ideas and inspiration to focus on myself more. Thank you for being so supportive!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
This is such a great post!! I really need to think of who I am more… you’ve definitely made me think!