A little background is merited before I plunge in.  I’m one of the lucky ones that married into a family who welcomed me with open arms from the first time I met them.  Mr. Blue was the first child and grandchild in his family and was the only one for a long time.  Pretty much everyone in his family thinks he hung the moon, so it would be understandable for the girl he married to feel a little unworthy in their eyes.  Yet, they made me feel like I belonged from day one.

Before I had the boys, I read about these people who had terrible in-laws, and I was really thankful for families who love us.  The stories that really scared me, though, were the ones who said their in-laws were great . . . until they had kids.

I’ve come to believe that it’s natural for some increased tension to exist after a baby is on the way and the dynamic of the family is shifting, especially between the mother-in-law (MIL) and daughter-in-law (DIL).  With the exception of in-laws who cultivate truly unhealthy relationships, I whole-heartedly believe that one of the best things we can give our kids is great relationships with both sides of their family. With that in mind, I’ve been thinking a lot about some general things that DILs and MILs can each do help build and keep a strong relationship.

It seems to me MILs are afraid. They are filled with fear that they will be cut out, intentionally or not, from their son and grandchildren’s lives. I never fully understood this until I had sons and thought about how terrible it would be if our DIL didn’t love us and didn’t want us around much. Let’s be honest: as wives we have a lot of influence over our husbands and control over our children. For some, this fear means they try to push extra hard to be involved, give advice, etc. because they want to make sure they’re needed and that they have a place.  For others, it means they step back and aren’t as involved unless we specifically ask them to be because they don’t want to be a nuisance, overstep their boundaries, etc. and risk being pushed away completely.  The more I thought about these things, the more I started believing that MILs need to hear from us, not their sons, that we value them and want them to have a place in our children’s lives.  Along those lines, I recently sent the following letter to my MIL.

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Dear MIL,

I know I don’t say these things often enough, so I want to take a minute to especially tell you how much I value you and how appreciative I am to have you in my life!  Many moons ago when I was “young and single,” one of the really important things I looked for in a spouse was someone whose family I could love like my own and a family that would welcome me as one of their own.  From the time I was little, I heard my mom say that her mother-in-law was her best friend; I wanted to find a second “mom” whom I could consider one of my best friends as well as another mom-figure.  Growing up, I saw that love between my mom and my grandma (her mother-in-law), and I saw my dad work with and beside my granddad (his FIL) and talk about how he taught him more about business than anyone ever had, how he was one of my dad’s heroes.  

With that as the backdrop of my childhood, you can imagine that growing up and learning that not everyone felt like that about their in-laws was a little disconcerting.  When Mr. Blue and I started dating, we talked a lot about our families; we both wanted to find a spouse whose families would welcome us without hesitation.  I was so nervous and excited to meet all of you, but especially you and [Mr. Blue’s granddad] because I could hear in Mr. Blue’s voice and stories the impact you had each had on his life and how much he valued your opinions.  I will always be grateful and in awe of the way you embraced me from the beginning and made me feel like I had always been one of the Blue crew. I knew right away that this was the kind of family I had been looking to add to my own.

I love that you and my mom are both so different and so alike.  You each love your children completely and fearlessly.  You both take the time to look for your children’s strengths and build on them.  You each point your children, by example, to the Lord.  I love that your core values are the same.  I love that I know each of you would give anything for your family.  I also love that you each have different interests and gifts; it means I have different “moms” to go to for different things!  I like that we can talk about house decor and fashion because my mom isn’t really into that stuff.  I love that you know what it’s like to be a working mom, and I feel like you understand some of the heartache and challenges of leaving kiddos at daycare.  I love how outgoing you are and how you are always up for meeting new people. I love that you work in education and we have that in common; I know as our boys grow older we will have many discussions about their struggles and successes in their schooling.  All that to say, I consider myself a lucky girl to have two moms to call my own and to enjoy different things together.

While I don’t know what this is like yet, I imagine it is a little scary to have your son grow up, get married, and have kids.  Having seen many women who don’t really love being around their in-laws and don’t really want them to be a part of their children’s lives, I already frequently pray that God will help Elliot and Finn to choose wives who will love us and include us in their lives; it’s scary stuff to think that someone could keep me from being part of my sons’ lives.  While I think you know how much we love you, I just want to take the time to expressly say that you will always have a place in our home, our lives, and our hearts.  Obviously Mr. Blue values his family, but I also hold you in high esteem and want so much for you to be in our lives and to be a real and special part of Finn & Elliot’s childhoods. Mr. Blue and I were both lucky enough to spend a lot of time with our grandparents.  They were/are special influences in our lives, and we will always make it a priority to ensure our kiddos have time with each set of grandparents.  They are so lucky to have so many people love them!

Things are up in the air right now about where we will live after this year, and unfortunately, no matter where we go, we will be many, many hours away from one set of grandparents or the other.  I promise this has been a source of heartache for each of us, and I’m sure both sets of grandparents have spent a bit of time thinking about it, too.  Unless we can convince one set to move wherever we are :-), we will always have this problem. So, we’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out ways to ensure that whoever lives farther away still gets a lot of time with us and our boys.  We don’t know exactly what that will look like, but I want you guys (and my parents–my mom is going to get this talk, too) to know that we will do whatever we need to do to make sure that no set of grandparents are left out of our boys lives.

It’s not just our boys, though, that we are concerned about.  We need you each in our lives, as well.  You have had untold influence on our lives in the last 28/31 years, and just because we’re all grown up now with our own family, doesn’t mean we don’t realize we still need you as role models and wise counsel.  I love knowing that I have two sets of parents to go to when we need advice, when we need a helping hand, or when we just need some time with family.  I have really appreciated that both of our parents have let us have some room in parenting our boys and making decisions for them, while knowing you’re both there as security blankets for us when we need guidance. Most of all, there is nothing more important in the world to me than that you love my sons so thoroughly and completely.  That is such a gift to a mother’s heart.

So, to close this novella, I just want to say that I love you so much and there is no one I would rather have as a second “mom” and a grandma to my boys.  Please always know that while I may not express myself often enough, I treasure my relationship with you.

Love you all,

Mrs. Blue

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Do you feel like your relationship with your MIL changed after you became a mother yourself?