Mr. Confetti works a lot. A LOT. Long, hard days from Monday to Friday, along with a handful of hours on the weekend which ebb and flow (from like 5 to 15) depending on whether he is on a live deal. He leaves the house around 7 a.m., and never makes it home for Colin’s bedtime. It is not infrequent for him to be at work past my bedtime, too.
While I know that Mr. Confetti would love to have more time with us and especially with Colin, to bathe him and put him to bed on weeknights, to share family dinners more often (or…ever), at this point in our lives and in his career path, this just is not an option right now. In due time, as C’s bedtime gets later and Mr. C climbs the ranks at work, our hope is that our evening routines will converge for more quality time as a family.
The hours are tough, but it is a sacrifice that we are all making for our family. Mr. Confetti’s hard work earns the money that allows me to have the privilege of being a stay at home mom. In addition, he is very lucky to have a job that is intellectually stimulating, with great colleagues, excellent compensation and exceptional benefits.
While I have just shared my rational viewpoint on the situation, by the end of a particularly grueling week, it feels like no one is thinking rationally. This arrangement can be really tough for all parties, Mr. Confetti, Colin and me. Originally, I had thought about sharing a post about my feelings about manning the home front day in, day out, and the weekly grind, but really, this is not just about me.
I thought I would share a bit about it from all three of our perspectives over the course of a few posts. And I will start with that of the littlest member of our family. Since Colin can’t be interviewed (and I already mocked his thought process enough in my Day in the Life post) this post will be less of an interview and more of an explanation.
Colin and I have a great time together during the week, but as I have written about before, Colin absolutely adores his father. He loves their morning time together (thank goodness he wakes with the sun, so my boys have 20-30 minutes together most days), and he watches his dad get ready for work the way most little boys idealize superheroes. Mondays are tough, because after a weekend filled with more than the average amount of daddy time, it’s hard to switch gears to be with mom all day. I get a ton of dad requests on Mondays.
The next few days go a bit smoother. The “bye-byes” when Daddy leaves for work get far fewer tears (sometimes even none), but by Thursday or Friday, Colin is usually whimpering for his Dada by bedtime, and I have to gently remind him that he will see his dad in the morning. We look at pictures and videos and give Dada kisses when he gets sad. On weeks when Mr. C is traveling, we try to Skype or Facetime if scheduling allows (and if not, Mr. Confetti pre-records videos of himself, so Colin thinks they are Facetiming – thankfully he is young enough that he barely understands the difference, and doesn’t seem to mind).
I have learned to stop showing the pictures and videos within about an hour of bedtime, so C doesn’t get so worked up about missing Daddy that he doesn’t fall asleep easily. I’ve learned to skip reading books that mention “Daddy” when I know C is missing him most, to avoid an unnecessary meltdown. Most important, I have had to embrace the fact that I cannot be all things for my child. While he loves us both, he has certain things that he does with Daddy (crazy spin moves, special chase games, etc.) that, while I could certainly try, I cannot replicate. They are special because they are the things Daddy does. Colin misses them during the week, but come Saturday, he gets TONS of family time, which compensates for the minimal time together 5 out of 7 days.
Stay tuned for more about this from Mr. Confetti’s perspective and my own.
Anyone else out there juggling parenting with extremely long work hours (yours or your partners)? How does your LO handle it? Any tips to make them feel better when they miss mom or dad?
clementine / 948 posts
Yup. But since our LO is still so young at 12 weeks, he doesn’t have a real early bedtime yet. But this will be us in one year
grapefruit / 4923 posts
looking forward to these posts. we’re not in the same situation, although we have long commutes which cut down on our time with LO. my husband used to work crazy hours when we lived in nyc and i don’t know how i would have managed, so major major kudos to you all for having perspective and finding ways to give C and mr. confetti some time together! i know lots of families deal with this, and i’m sure some other bees will pipe up. you are not alone!
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
Aww thats so sweet and hard at the same time. DH works a lot too, its the privilege I get for staying at home now like you said, and he is gone from 6 AM before any of us wake til 5:30-6 in the evenings too so the days are very long for me too. He does come home early on Fridays when Im off to my little side gig (a few hours a week) so he does get that time and the weekends and he does see DS after work since he can stay up but DD is a different story since she goes to bed sometimes before he makes it. Its hard and lonely and stressful for sure at times so I feel you.
apricot / 364 posts
Oh man. This just sounds hard. DH works crazy hours 1 week a month but then is normally home for a game of chase, bath and bed. That 1 week a month is enough to do me in. You’re awesome!
nectarine / 2019 posts
This sounds terribly sad
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
pineapple / 12053 posts
That’s so sweet that he records videos for him! Hopefully it’s just a season and you can all get through it. We had about 4 months of this while DH was in a rigorous schooling schedule. It was rough on us all but I tried not to wish it away because it was a fun time in our baby’s life! I couldn’t do it forever but keeping perspective helped!
pear / 1672 posts
This is us, except I am a WOHM. DH works long hours, and it can vary from time to time. An early arrival time at home Monday-Thursday would be 7pm just as LO is going to bed. He often doesn’t see her during the week except in the morning, and lucky for him LO is a very early riser. Sometimes he can slip away and be home earlier, but that’s not very common. His weekend work can vary. This past weekend he had 2 hours of conference calls one day. He actually just got a promotion, which may mean more travel, something we have been lucky to avoid since LO was born. That said he has worked years for it, and I am really proud of him.
For me, it means that I leave work 5pm on the dot regardless of whether I have a big deadline or not, and then I handle bedtime. In the rare occasions I have to travel, DH will come home. So far we’ve managed the dual WOHP thing okay, but we’ll see what the future holds. For now, LO is only 10 months so she doesn’t notice as much. I wonder what will happen as she gets older.
Based on what you’ve written, I suspect that your DH and my DH are in similar lines of work.
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
So sweet and so hard at the same time. Chloe is a daddy’s-girl and she struggles when he isn’t home. Even if he’s working a normal 8-5, she wakes up and asks for daddy. When he travels, her whole schedule is thrown off.
He went snowboarding this weekend with a friend & missed nap time and bedtime that day. It really upset her & took forever for her to fall asleep since he usually does bedtime!
Thank heavens for FaceTime. We get to see daddy before he boards the plane or during down-time while he’s away.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
@edelweiss: you are so sweet – thanks
@junebugmama: it is sad. truly. but sadly, it is our reality and that for so many others. we just hope it will be fairly short-term, until he is promoted down the line.
@BKCaribBaby: you sound amazing – I am in awe of families who can make this work when one (or both!) partner has the insane hours our spouses work. It was a major reason I ended up staying home, since my former job couldn’t guarantee leaving at 5, and DH couldn’t necessarily bail early if I had to travel or had a late night event.
pear / 1672 posts
@Mrs. Confetti: It works for now.
We’ll see what happens in the future. I am lucky that I have an employment situation that allows for some flexibility. At the same time, I wonder about any future LOs and what happens then. We take it day by day, week by week.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
My husband works longer hours than I do, but he sees Liam most days before he leaves and when he gets home, so it isn’t that bad for us. I do have a hard time when my husband has to go out of town for work or attend late night functions more that once a week, but like you said, it’s our reality, so we cope the best we can.
apricot / 461 posts
This is exactly our situation. DH sees LO maybe 30 minutes in the morning and that’s it Monday-Friday. And I work from home:
It is so hard – I feel like its harder on LO than me. I think DH puts on a strong front, but hates that he has so little time with LO during the week.
I also long for family dinners.. I really hope as LO gets older we can start having family dinners everyday!!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Aww that’s so hard!! I love that you’re going to be writing this from three different perspectives!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
That’s so tough, when my husband is gone we text pictures back and forth so the kids can see what he’s doing and he gets to see what we are doing. It can back fire though because then they say they miss him, and I know he misses us.
grapefruit / 4903 posts
I’m grateful to you for writing this series. It’s our reality too. DH’s hours aren’t horrific, but they’re just bad enough (especially with the hour-long el ride) that he doesn’t often see DD during the week. We’re still figuring out how to handle things, and it’s nice to see how it plays out for another family.
guest
This is absolutely our reality, but luckily my husband can work remotely, so he comes home by 6:30, no excuses, helps with dinner/bath/bedtime, but logs back on at 8:30 after our daughter is asleep. He works then often till my bedtime. This arraignment allows good time for dad/daughter, help for me.
blogger / persimmon / 1231 posts
So so hard. This has been us lately as well now that Mr. Deer is taking evening classes on top of work.
Keep it up mama, hope things lighten up soon. I love that picture of Colin and Mr. C, so sweet!
pomegranate / 3595 posts
Thanks so much for sharing this! My DH is a med student so I WOH FT to pay the bills and advance my career and do most of the parenting on a daily basis. At the moment he is on an away rotation so I am a solo mama for this month, plus a little on either end. My LO is older so we can kind of talk about what is happening but it is a lot so I feel you! He starts residency in July so while the hours will still be crazy, at least he will be paid so things will be a little easier…I hope!
guest
Our husbands certainly do work their tails off! You and I are in the same position on many fronts, and you said everything I feel on a daily basis. My little guy doesn’t get to see Mike Monday-Friday. It makes the weekends extra special!
guest
We live this too, with husband gone 12 hours a day. And he is in the family friendly department of his firm. We set things up for a late dinner at 7 (with a big afternoon snack), so he gets to do bedtime for one or two of our three. Weekends can be just a few emails, or hours of work, depending on how deals are going down.
When my oldest was two he insisted daddy did not live with us, that he just visited.
My dad worked similar hours with lots of travel and what I remember is him making the everyday time he had with us special, taking us grocery shopping or to the hardware store.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Wow. That sounds really, really hard! Even though you know it logically makes sense for your family, I imagine it’s tough day in and day out.
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
my husband recently took on a promotion that involves a lot of work at home. i miss him being “present” when he’s present
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
DH is a pilot so he’s gone about 50% of the time. It was much more when little M was a baby. I just have a different routine for when he’s here v. when he’s away and go with the flow. But I agree, it’s rough on the little ones, especially as they get older. The transitions are what’s hardest for us. Lots of empathy for you
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
This is us too. DH works very long hours and it is tough with two LO’s. It makes for really long days for both of us. Luckily he doesn’t have to travel but he does work from home on the weekends a lot so it is sad when my oldest thinks its playtime but he is still working. I do have friends though with husbands that literally work out of town all week and they only see them on the weekends so I feel thankful every evening when I see him.
I love this idea for a post and the different views. very relevant.
clementine / 830 posts
This is us too, DH leaves for work at 6ish and comes home earliest at 8. I’ve pushed LO’s bedtime to 8:30 so he tries to see LO every other day during the week for 15-20 minutes. It’s hard not only because I basically solo parent Monday-Friday but because LO is obsessed with his dad and will ask for him multiple times a day. With #2 coming next month I don’t know how I’ll manage on my own and I worry all the time about DH bonding with the new baby.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
My husband used to “work long hours” b/c his commute was 1.5 hours each way (via car to commuter lot then to catch the train from there). The kids used to sleep late just so they can spend some time with daddy when he gets home. Now that we’re overseas and his commute is no longer than 30 minutes it’s nice. The kids sleep an hour earlier and wakes up around the same time (more sleep – yay!). But he does travel a lot more than before (almost no travel since we had a family) so there are months where he’s gone half the month or a week at a time or random one night trips here and there. It’s very unpredictable and we try to FaceTime as much as we can but it’s hard since when he’s travelling he has dinners as well so we haven’t been FT’ing with him lately. The boys do ask for him but I think they have each other to stay preoccupied so it’s not so bad. Me, well, I do enjoy having the bed all to myself. LOL! We went from an eastern king bed to a queen so it’s been hard adjusting! But, of course, having him around is nice so the kids have an extra person to play with except for boring old me!
I guess my only advice is to just stick with your routine and distraction when you start to see him missing his daddy. Or have him draw his daddy something and show it to him the next time you Skype.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
Sounds like the world of Big Law. Those kinds of hours are all kinds of “yuck” for everyone involved. I’m really excited to read this series of posts. We’re looking at some big changes, and while it wouldn’t be to the extent that you’re writing about, it definitely helps me to have an idea of what to expect. Thanks!
pea / 15 posts
I’m interested to follow this series as well. Our LO is just two months old, but I suspect this will be us as well. My DH owns his own business and it requires late nights. His only day off is Sunday and the occasional evening he can leave early. He’s also not a morning person and doesn’t have to be there early, so once I go back to work in a few weeks, I’m not sure he’ll even see DS before I take him to daycare on my way to work. It’s frustrating for me because I know there are things he could do differently to give him more time with us. And unlike some of you, he doesn’t make a lot of money so we could never afford for me to stay home. But he loves what he does and so I want to support it! I’m not sure I could handle a second LO though…
guest
My husband is in Big Law and about to work longer hours, so I feel your pain:) Although I know it’s best for us right now, it’s hard when the littles miss Daddy, and I really miss him too! It’s also tough to juggle all of the housework alone!
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
We’re right there with you some of the time. I love how your family is handling things– so much love and consideration even in the midst of a challenging situation. I appreciated your sharing about how your family deals with a parent’s long hours, and can’t wait to read more.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
Awww. DH travels often and DD really misses him when he’s gone. He sends us videos throughout the day, we skype, talk on the phone..
pear / 1823 posts
We’re in the same boat. DH doesn’t usually get to see LO during the week which makes weekends extra precious. He also travels about one week a month and since it’s international, he often leaves on a Saturday. It makes for a very long week.
LO is only 9 months so he doesn’t really understand yet. However, it’s hard on DH when he is home and LO only wants me because I’m the one who’s around every day.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
I don’t have any kids yet but I am the person who will have to work. My DH does have a health condition where he will be home and will be the SAHD whenever I get pregnant. I wonder about how my work schedule will affect our future children all the time.