I recently read a parenting article somewhere (and of course, I have no clue of the source – sorry!) that basically said instead of approaching something with your child from a negative place, do it from a positive place. In my head I say “duh,” but truthfully it’s very, very easy to say, “Don’t throw that,” “Stop running,” “No more yelling,” etc. Because, well, children are constantly learning limits and the difference between good and bad behavior. So it’s second nature to constantly try and correct their behavior.
But now I am quick to rephrase things in my head before speaking aloud. For example:
“Don’t throw that,” is now “I like it when you keep your toy on the table.”
“Stop running,” is now “I like it when you walk slowly.”
“No more yelling,” is now “It’s nice when we use our quiet voices in the house.”
It’s so easy to place a positive spin on how you phrase things, and by saying “I like it” or “It’s nice” your LO is hearing what makes you happy, which is much better than talking about things that make you unhappy. And quite honestly, constantly saying “Stop/Don’t/Quit” is a downer for the parent as much as for the child!
Along the same lines, we are working really hard at table manners. Miss H frequently is trying to pick up her plate, toss her cup, throw food, and lean her body over the side of her high chair. Since we’re eating meals together, I can easily demonstrate how I do things, such as:
“See how nicely mommy pick up her cup, drinks, and sets it down?”
“Mommy doesn’t pick up her plate. Mommy keeps her plate nicely on the placemat.”
“Mommy is sitting up nice and straight in her chair. Can you sit up straight like mommy?”
It sounds absolutely silly writing it out, but it works! Miss H is always watching me closely, so helping her to understand that how I eat/sit/drink at the table is the nice way to do things encourages her to eat/sit/drink the same way. Since she is always quick to copy what I do, I may as well encourage her to copy my good table manners!
We made strawberry popsicles this weekend (an early Valentine’s Day gift for Miss H):
To keep our table/rug/curtains from being covered in strawberry popsicle, my “positive mommy” self was in full force. I was also eating a popsicle, so I was able to show Miss H how you eat a popsicle (which turns out isn’t intuitive, as she was borderline scared of the popsicle at first), and telling her how I liked it when she licked the popsicle to encourage to stop turning the popsicle upside down on the table. Each and every time she had the popsicle – it took her three sittings to finish it – she got better and better about eating it instead of playing with it.
Of course, life with a toddler isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and I know you can’t be oozing positivity all the time. But when it comes to the little stuff, I would much rather stay positive and upbeat instead of grouchy and negative.
Do you ever approach parenting in this manner? If not, I challenge you to try!
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22276 posts
Love this, I often find myself saying “no, stop, don’t” I can definitely replace those words with more positive words.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
Yes, I do make an effort to be positive as opposed to using negative words, I think it makes a difference, especially with physical behavior. I am also very careful about my own physical gestures, because it’s confusing to kids to be told we don’t use our hands on other people and then to see me playfully swat my husband’s bum!
nectarine / 2771 posts
Love this! I’m all about positive parenting and hope I can apply the tactics when my LO is old enough.
This is an article someone posted on FB recently, that is along the same lines as positive parenting:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/10_Ways_To_Guide_Children_Without_Discipline/
My favorite was #7!
grapefruit / 4649 posts
This is great, thanks! I was taught this tactic at a teaching seminar but it was coming more from a place that with kids less is more. Their point was when you say “no running” it sort of reinforces the idea of running, if you say “please walk” or “waking feet” it reminds them what they should be doing.
Some days feel like an interpretive reading of “No David” so it is nice to be reminded of other options.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
I love the idea of this, but day in day out have trouble avoiding the “stop” don’t” phrases. I think it’s ok though to have a balance of both, since kids won’t spend their whole life never hearing “no” “stop” and “don’t”
apricot / 364 posts
This is 100% my parenting philosophy.
This is 20% my actual parenting.
Please tell me that’s how it goes for other people!
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
Wow, that’s great. I’ll have to try that positive approach when my girl gets older
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I think I do this about 50% of the time. I try to praise him when he’s doing something good just as much, if not more, than I tell him not to do something.
I like seeing some sample phrases you say!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
@hilary: such a good way of putting it! my LO isn’t quite into everything yet, but i know this will be my situation.
kiwi / 729 posts
I will definitely try this out on my almost 3 year old son. Truth be told, he likes to do exactly the opposite of what I ask him nicely to do…so we’ll see if this works on him. I can only hope!!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I agree with some parts of positive parenting, but I think saying no is necessary sometimes.
pomegranate / 3383 posts
Does this remind anyone else of the Who’s the Boss episode where Tony yells, “Broom elsewhere!” to a little girl that they’re caring for? The fact that I can remember a Who’s the Boss episode reveals a lot about my age…oy.
I also think saying ‘no’ is necessary sometimes. We tend to say no in more serious situations (e.g. hitting) and my LO gets really upset because he knows he has done something wrong. Otherwise, we use phrases that redirect him or let him know what he should be doing…just without the “I like it when…” and “Mommy …yadayada.” We need to keep it simple with our LO!
coffee bean / 26 posts
I really like the parenting philosophy and plan on incorporating it into what we are already doing. For me, it seems that planning a little ahead of time what to say for common situations that arise will help when those struggles happen!
guest
Love this post! I hope to start it today. I have a 10 1/2 month old so hopefully if I can start now I can keep up with a LITTle better when he’s acting out more as a toddler. Thanks!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Yes! I try to do this approach as much as possible. My mantra is to say no when it really matters. There’s so much that’s just exploring how things work that I don’t want to hamper. We do a lot of Mommy doesn’t do this and Daddy does that around here. Of course we could also do better
blogger / persimmon / 1231 posts
Love that photo with the popsicle!
Lucy get’s really upset when we say “no” (although we have to say it sometimes of course) so we definitely try to redirect her and say things positively. She’s still pretty young though, so we’ll see how this goes in the future!
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I really need to do this more often, I always say no and stop Its hard when you are in the moment to change what comes out so naturally but I really want to try this
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
i am realllly trying to focus on this.
it’s so easy to say no. and aside from the negativity, i want him to hear different words than just NO!
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
I enjoyed this. It fits in really well with Nurtured Heart!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
Thanks for this. I know positive interactions are more effective so it’s good to have a reminder. Sometimes I get stuck in the staying no and don’t
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
Omg I love her. And this is a great post!!