Hellobee

Last week, I wrote a post (here) about Mr. Confetti’s long hours at work and how it impacts Colin on a day-to-day basis. Judging by the comments, it seems, as I suspected, that I am not alone. Since Mr. Confetti is traveling for business this week, I have plenty of time in the quiet evening to write about my perspective on our situation (and sadly, it seems that Mr. C’s portion will take another week or two, because of – you guessed it – his work load right now).

For me, the challenges of balancing the needs of our family and our household with Mr. Confetti’s long hours at work are multifaceted. As I mentioned in my first post, the person for whom I am most concerned in our current state-of-our-union is Colin.  Having such limited Daddy time can be very hard on him, and in turn, it is hard on me.

Even though C misses his dad, he loves his QT with mama

Mr. Confetti is in Florida this week for a conference, and today, I thought it would be fun for Colin to decorate a special Valentine’s Day picture frame for his dad.  On our way home from the gym this morning, I told Little C about my plan, and all he could do was repeat, “special daddy picture” sadly all the way home.  We came home, and he immediately ran to his stash of loose prints of family pictures. I was heartbroken.  Until I brought it up, he was fine, and then I suggested something that I thought would be a positive experience, and instead, he spent the rest of the morning alternating between sad and grumpy.  Before nap time, we read Hooray for Fish, and I discovered that this book is one in which Daddy made up special nicknames for certain fish, and at the end, Colin called the mommy fish, “Daddy fish.”  Cue more sad whimpers. The “Mom Guilt” that comes from incidents like these is just plain awful. While many of C’s feelings about missing his dad are beyond my control, when I exacerbate the problem, I feel like a jerk all day.

The next issue is that of household balance.  This is one that I have surprisingly come to terms with quite well…most of the time. Every family handles the division on labor in a household differently, and I have heard a lot about different families’ approaches to this issue. For the most part, I handle all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I handle nearly all of the childcare, most of the pet care, schedule and execute all the pediatrician and vet appointments, do all of the shopping and errands, and handle the bulk of the household maintenance. Mr. Confetti brings home the bacon (turkey bacon?  we are Jewish, ya know), pays the bills and helps out with household tasks whenever he can.  Most of the time, this arrangement works out without a hitch, but it took quite a long time for me to adjust to it.

When Colin was younger, I was more sleep deprived and I hadn’t fully gotten into the groove of the SAHM gig, I held quite a bit of resentment in my heart about this.  When I was doing the dinner dishes at 9 p.m. after a long day of taking care of Colin, cooking and cleaning, I would shoot silent daggers at Mr. C for being too busy to help, when really, he was heading back to his desk at home to continue his work from home. I had lost the perspective that while most of Mr. Confetti’s work was in the relative peace and quiet of his office (where he could pee alone and take 5 for a coffee break when he needed it), we were both working hard, even if he didn’t stink of spit up or have baby food mashed into his clothes.  I still have moments and even days when my mind works like this, but I am much better about keeping the proper perspective about how we are both working hard to take care of our family, just in different ways.

Another challenge for me that comes with Mr. C’s unpredictable evening workload is that any time I want to make plans in the evening, even if there is a chance that Mr. Confetti may make it home in time for me to leave, I have to hire a babysitter.  Whereas Mr. C can make plans in an evening to meet a friend or attend a networking event in the evening without thinking of the exact number of hours he will be out, I make my plans by weighing whether they are worth the cost of attending when you tack on the extra $12 per hour of a babysitter. Dinner with girlfriends at a casual inexpensive restaurant is never $20 anymore – it’s probably at least $44, if not $56 – which is tough to justify unless it is a special occasion.

I don’t want this post to sound like a pity party, because it truly is not.  On the whole, I find that since our time with Mr. Confetti is more limited, it is more precious.  On weekends, Mr. C is extremely hands-on helping with Colin, and he is the type of dad that makes a concerted effort to know Colin’s schedule and day-to-day needs so that he doesn’t have to constantly ask me what to do. I’ve been able to leave them to their own devices all weekend without worrying about what I will come home to, which is a strong testament to Mr. C’s fabulous parenting skills. And since it isn’t always easy for me to get much time to myself or with friends outside the four walls of our apartment, my hubby always makes a concerted effort to ensure  that I get some time to myself each weekend, whether to run errands alone, meet friends for a meal or just relax at home and rest in the quiet while he and Colin are out. Because Mr. C rarely gets a break either, I try to reciprocate by letting him get away as well, to play intramural sports or grab a beer with his buddies.

My boys, chatting by the lily pads, while I play mamarazzi

Mrs. Stroller and Mrs. Jump Rope have both written great posts with their suggestions for handling the household while flying solo, and I thought that this would be a perfect time to share a few of my own as well.  Since I fly solo with Colin for most of the hours of each weekday, and often for days at a time, I thought it might be helpful to include a few tips:

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help – even if it is hired help.  We hired a babysitter who comes once a week for two hours, so that I can handle any non-child-friendly tasks that come up each week, like my doctor’s appointments or big grocery trips. It’s a small investment that does wonders for my sanity.
• Get out of the house as much as possible.  This one is primarily for the SAHM folks, but I find that Mr. Confetti and Colin spend a lot of their quality time at home, so when we spend a whole day at home during the week, I get far more requests for Daddy. In general, I try to go somewhere nearly every morning and afternoon, whether it is to the gym, to run errands, to a play date or to a park/play space.  Busy kids have much less time to mope, since they are distracted by the fun.
• Have a routine, but be flexible about who does what.  Colin’s days are very predictable, but we never assigned specific tasks to specific parents.  This helps greatly, because we rarely face the issue of him getting upset that it isn’t Daddy that (gives bath, does morning routine, fill in the blank).  While Mr. C does usually get him for his morning milk and snuggles, we change it up sometimes so that he doesn’t get upset on days when Daddy isn’t an option.
• I try to do a large majority of my cooking on Sunday evenings or on Mondays during nap, which I can then reheat throughout the week.  This way, there are fewer evenings where I am juggling cooking and Colin at the same time or staying up late after he is asleep to cook for the next day (C has dinner around 5:15, which is nearly always leftovers).
• Whenever Mr. Confetti is going to out of town for an extended period of time, we try to invite grandparents to visit or we get in the car and road trip to see them.  It is nice to have the extra help, and all parties involved are happy to see the other.  Not that grandpa can ever replace dad, but just having another man around eases a lot of our “Dada” requests.
• Evenings home alone can get lonely.  Make sure you find things to do that are stuck-in-the-house friendly, even if it is simple like finding a favorite author or marathon-watching a show your partner would hate.
• Go easy on yourself.  You won’t look back on these years and remember the dishes in the sink.

Stay tuned for Mr. Confetti’s perspective on all of his long hours (and if you have any specific burning questions for which you long for a husband’s perspective in this situation, feel free to leave them in the comments, and I will do my best to include it when I pester him!).

That is my portion of the “Missing Daddy” saga.  Moms in a similar position, any good tips to add?  Any other things that challenge you with your partner’s long hours?