Alright, Bees. As promised, here is the final installment of my series of posts surrounding the issue of surviving the day-to-day grind when one parent works extremely long hours. (You can find the first two posts here and here.) Because Mr. Confetti has been swamped at work, rather than taking the time to write out his thoughts, we spent a date night in discussing the issue at length, and I am going to share with you what he shared with me.
Colin chasing his dad
On the Job
Mr. Confetti has found a career path that truly allows him to thrive on an intellectual level. It is challenging, engaging and he is learning new things every day. He works very hard, but the company he works for places a priority on creating a positive culture in the office. He admires and respects the partners he works for, and generally enjoys the work he does day to day. Mr. Confetti takes great pride in being able to provide for our family, and he has always (even before we met) had a goal of earning enough so that his wife could decide whether or not she would work outside the home without having to take financial pressure into account (thanks Mr. C!). His salary and benefits afford us a great quality of life, and we feel very lucky.
While many would assume that staying in a job like this is a no-brainer, Mr. Confetti regularly assesses whether or not he believes that the time sacrificed in those long office hours are worth the time spent away from me and Little C. We regularly have conversations about what his job situation would and could look like if we decided that the current status quo was not sustainable. Mr. C jokes that after so many years of working crazy hours, it would probably be difficult for him fit into the corporate world in a “9 to 5” type role, but at the same time, he wonders if we would all be happier collectively if he switched careers to something less demanding. When he graduated business school, we explored the possibility of career prospects for him closer to our home towns, where we would have more support from our families as we ventured into parenthood, and a lower cost of living. Sadly, with his background, the options were extremely limited, and most would require so much travel that the benefit of being closer to family would be outweighed by his absence.
On Parenting
Mr. Confetti was adamant (and I 100% agree with him) that what he lacks in quantity, he more than makes up in quality when it comes to time with Colin. Because he knows that their waking time together is limited, he does not take that time for granted and makes a point of being engaged with Colin during their time together. This was definitely harder for him in Colin’s early infancy, since he was less interactive (at least compared to now). When Colin was only 3 or 4 months old, I was having a hard time adjusting to life as a stay at home mom and wanted to basically run away from the monotonous day-to-day life by visiting my parents for a week or two with Colin, and Mr. Confetti convinced me to stay. He explained that even though his time with C was limited, he wanted to make sure that they solidified their bond from an early age. Clearly, that worked very well, since Colin is extremely attached to Mr. Confetti, and now that he is a toddler, they have all sorts of games that are uniquely theirs, from spinning to “snuggle wuggles.”
Mr. Confetti described his long hours at work as a lonely experience. It is hard for him to hear about all of the fun things we are up to that he doesn’t get to participate in, from trips to the zoo to gymnastics class, because while he likes his job, he loves us more, and he feels bad to be missing out on many of the formative adventures of C’s childhood. While Mr. C often misses many of Colin’s “firsts,” he remains present so he can catch seconds, thirds and fourths, and so they can create their own firsts (ie: first afternoon of football at a sports bar). And while he knows that many of his friends and family members may get more time with their children, he knows that he makes his time count (and that their opinions of how much time he does or doesn’t get with Colin don’t matter, as long as our immediate family is always on the same page and comfortable with the working arrangement).
On Family and Feelings
When it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship, Mr. Confetti works hard to maintain open lines of communication with me so we are on the same page about what we are both juggling at home and at work, and when he will be working, when we will have family time and when we will each get some time to ourselves. Even if it is primarily via email during his workday, knowing we can be in touch regularly to adjust when things come up makes a huge difference. He and I both put a high priority on spending quality time together, either for date night or just a low-key evening in, because we know that the foundation of a healthy family is a healthy relationship for mom and dad.
Mr. Confetti is incredible when it comes to recognizing my feelings of being overwhelmed when his hours creep past my bedtime. When it comes to his feelings, I am so glad that our discussion about this post led him to verbalize how he feels about being away from us. And it turns out that I haven’t been entirely self aware about how I can be support my husband as he supports me.
Mr. C explained that his guilt is different in its nature than mine. Of course there is the guilt of feeling like he is missing out on having more time with Colin, but in addition, he feels the guilt of causing my frustration. Mr. Confetti is aware that when he is away from the house 75 hours a week (give or take), coming home to pass out exhausted and do it all over again, it puts more of the household burden on me. And while I try to shield my frustration, since I know he is working really hard too, I am not always so good at it. I have been known to give an eye roll or a sigh of frustration when he tells me that he has to travel or has a late meeting, and it doesn’t help either of us. Mr. Confetti already feels like he is letting us down when he spends extended time away from me and Colin, and there are times when I (unintentionally, of course) make it harder for him. Both of our lives are exhausting, but Mr. C is much better at offering me time to recharge my batteries than I am for him, but we both need time with friends and time to pursue interests outside work and Colin.
Having a healthy family life takes a little more work when one parent spends a lot of time away from home, at the office or traveling for work, but we have found a way to make the juggling act for for us.
Do you have any other tips for families facing long work hours and limited time with the kids?
cantaloupe / 6017 posts
I appreciate how intentional you both are in managing these challenges. I think open communication and frequent “check ins” are important.
My husband struggles with needing some alone time/time for himself, and often feels guilty for prioritizing this over time with our daughter. It’s difficult for him to have so many things to take care of during his free time: self care, exercise, time with our daughter, time with me, extra-curricular stuff for work, etc.
balancing all of that is the hardest part for us, I think. I worry about how difficult it will be when I return to work and we are both trying to manage all of those things.
pear / 1696 posts
I love hearing about how you manage this. We have a similar situation, as my DH works full time (only 40 hrs/wk!) and is getting his MBA (on evenings and weekends). I work 2 days outside the home and the rest of my time is with our son. This means that we only get two Saturdays per month together as a family. Its so hard! Thankfully DH will graduate in 3 months so I hope things will get better.
We have been really bad at connecting with each other in the evenings even after LO is asleep. We do chat a little over dinner but afterwards we’re both so tired we just want to read or watch TV and end up not talking to each other much. We need to work on this! One positive thing is that I work every Sunday so that my husband and son spend that whole day together. This has been really important for establishing their bond. Thanks for sharing!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I enjoyed reading this from his perspective. It seems like you guys have strong, open lines of communication and are constantly thinking of each other, which is great! He sounds like a wonderful dad!
guest
One thing that works for us is the gym childcare. Husband takes the three kids every Saturday morning. He gets alone time running, I get alone time (so rare as a sham of wee ones) and they get a special time with dad before and after which usually includes lunch and grocery shopping.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
I agree with pps. It’s so great that you guys have such good and open communication, which has to be so key! It sounds like you are both really intentional with how you spend your time with Colin and each other. Thanks to both of you for being so open and honest!
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
Great post! You guys seem like you make a great team and work together to make your lifestyle work for everyone. I think it’s interesting to hear his perspective.
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I have been eagerly awaiting this post to see how to series ended with Mr C’s answers. I think you guys make a good balance between what you both can do for Little C and yourselves. I have to ask what does Mr C do? And how does he cram 75 hours in a week?? Thats 15 hours per day if its 5 days! My DH is gone for around 12 hours per day with his jobs and then during the spring he is gone even longer sometimes for track stuff and he works when he comes home most nights a little logging in remotely to do stuff. Its rough but he does it so he can provide for us and I understand that but it does make the long hours hard too.
olive / 55 posts
I have really enjoyed this series of posts. I know I would be very unhappy if my husband was on a schedule like Mr C’s, so I’m really impressed at your family’s ability to manage it. You are obviously doing what is best for you all right now, which is great!