A few weeks after having my first baby, I remember toweling off in the bathroom next to the mirror after a shower when a streak of white caught my eye. Were my eyes deceiving me?  I looked a little closer and then I saw them — those long white streaky tiger stripes running across my thighs. I immediately looked at my other thigh and was greeted again by the same lines running all across my thighs. Yes I had just birthed my first child only a few short weeks ago, but for the nine months prior to this arrival I had religiously applied cocoa butter night and day all over my growing belly. I had no idea you could get stretch marks anywhere else.  No one told me! I immediately sat down and scoured the web looking for any and every combination of stretch marks, removal, fading, post-baby.

After that day every time I showered, changed, and stood in front of a mirror trying on clothes I would take a quick peek down — yup still there.  For a long time I was upset; I missed the way my thighs used to look pre-stretch marks.  I looked back at old pictures pre-baby and sometimes I would cry a little.  I knew it was vain; I had a beautiful baby and it was worth it, but I still mourned for the loss of my body in a way that I knew was never going to return to me. Once summer rolled around I began to get self-conscious. I no longer had the confidence of that pre-baby me. I avoided the beach and pools that summer using the baby as an excuse.

Slowly over time the marks did fade but even when they did, I always knew they were there. Would I take those marks over my beautiful healthy child? Of course without a second thought! But did it still make me a little sad? I would be lying if I said no.

When I got pregnant with my second child, I once again religiously applied cocoa butter (everywhere this time and doubly on my thighs), but I realized that even doing this might not prevent more stretch marks. A couple days after the birth of my second, I started to inspect my body. In spite of all cocoa butter I applied, I gained more white marks across my belly. Though I had mentally prepared myself again for this inevitable change, it still made me sad even if my husband l told me I was beautiful.

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As summer approaches again, I have come to the realization that I can’t avoid bathing suits and trips to the beach this time around.  We have a summer vacation planned this year, as well as swim lessons for both kids. I don’t want to deny them time in the water together because of my own vanity. So I started to browse one piece bathing suits, but that made me even more aware of how insecure and self-conscious I have become.

I need to start to embrace and love the body I am in, stretch marks and saggy parts, as they are a part of me now. While it’s nice to dream of the days before babies when my life was different, it’s also not where I am in my life now either. It’s taken some time, two kids really, to come to accept and realize this. I do hope one day I’ll be able to walk out on the beach, holding my dear little ones, and know that every stretch mark and sagging bit are my badges of honor won through blood, sweat and tears (literally) as I carried, grew, harbored, and brought forth these amazing little people to whom I am so lucky to be called mommy.

Ultimately I decided I can and will still wear a bikini this summer. I earned those stripes, now I just need time to acknowledge and accept them too.