Hellobee

After Mr. Pencil and I had our “moment” together, the nurses came in and set up my legs on stirrups. I thought stirrups weren’t really used anymore, but since my legs were pretty numb (yet movable) they put me up and the doctor came in. I was pretty surprised how dark the room was! The only light they had was one big spotlight pointed right at my hoo-ha. Oh boy, this was quite the dramatic scene!

All this time, I imagined Mr. Pencil holding my hand, but since both hands and arms were full of wires and IVs, he could only stand near me and stroke my head. We were softly playing Erik Satie’s Gymnopedie No. 1 on repeat as I always imagined I would, aka the most peaceful piano music ever. This was the music piece I would lie down and practice breathing to. Ok… time to push!

The nurse walked me through how we were going to push. She said she was going to count to 10 and that I would tuck my head down and curl over to push. However, this was really uncomfortable for me right away. First of all, there was no way I could push for the full 10 seconds! And I definitely could not the do “breathing” type of pushing (where you don’t hold your breath) for that long either. So um… I kind of cheated. I made it look like I was pushing, but I was really only pushing for like 5 seconds. My body did not like the way I was tucking my chin because I was just in an awkward position. So after about 2 inefficient pushes, I asked the nurse if I could just lean back, and she said I could do what I wanted. I definitely started to feel exactly where I was supposed to push. I pushed just a couple more times and I knew that with one final push, he was going to be here. The doctor said the magic words, “the next one should be it!”

After that, the baby was out!

T H E  F E E L I N G

I had no idea that there is such a rush of adrenaline and euphoria when the baby comes out! It’s like a huge release and wave of emotions that wash over you. It’s partly relief from having a baby inside of you for so long finally out, but it also just felt physically good to feel everything come pouring out. I remember that I let out a huge moan and immediately started crying! I’m not really a crier so it was surprising that I cried for a solid 5-10 minutes afterwards. All of the sudden, I heard a baby cry and I remember thinking, “Wow, that’s it huh? There’s another person in this room now.”

I was still crying when they put him on my chest, and I was immediately shocked at how heavy and long he was. I couldn’t believe he was just inside of me! He was screaming his little head off, and I was awkwardly trying to get a hold of him. As he was wiggling around, I was trying to look at him and he was trying to look at me. I remember his little forehead wrinkles because he was trying to open his new little eyes. Welcome to the big, bad world son!

G O L D E N  H O U R

I didn’t realize how official the golden hour was at the hospital I gave birth. They even put up a sign that said “Golden Hour.” was also pleasantly surprised that they were very free about when you start letting people in. I think you can have your family or friends come in as soon as you’d like. It was nice to just have the three of us for a while though, and Mr. Pencil did a great job recording as much as he possibly could. We only worked off of our iPhones and didn’t bother with a real camera, but I’m glad we got pretty much every detail!

I just felt so good. There was this little baby finally in my arms and I was just soaking it all in. Since I was still feeling the effects of the epidural, I didn’t feel any pain, which was awesome! I also did not happen to see any blood and guts, which is even more awesome! (I’m not too keen on blood and guts.) There was the next rush of excitement as my family came in to meet the little guy. My dad was especially super excited!

Here are some things I did not know about very new newborns:

• They are squirmy! Like “oh no, don’t fall off the table” squirmy!
• Their hands and feet are super wrinkly and blue-ish
• If you stick your pinkie in their mouth, they will suck right away!
• They are much stronger than you think! I was surprised at his tight grasp on my finger
• Even upon seconds of being on your chest, they can open their eyes and look at you (Amazing!)
• They cry and then can fall asleep almost immediately
• They do this funny thing where they wiggle their heads furiously, looking for a nipple. Cracks me up! (He stopped doing this a while back and it makes me sad.)
• Watching their little tongues suckle a soothie is incredibly cute, entertaining and hilarious

I was one of those people who felt like they were meeting a stranger rather than falling in love right away. I was just really awkward and thrown off in every way! I felt like Miranda on Sex and the City, when she meets her baby for the first time and awkwardly says, “Well, hello!” Hello, indeed!

It took me a few weeks to really start falling in love with Baby Pencil, to be honest. Before then I was just functioning on adrenaline and in a mode of “feed baby, burp baby, make baby sleep.” I also went through that horrible depression fog so it wasn’t until maybe week 6 when I really started to fall in love.

Now I smile to myself as I watch him laugh, hiccup and frown in his sleep. I know everyone thinks that their babies are cute and I honestly was scared that I wouldn’t think my baby was cute, especially as a newborn. But I really did think he was very adorable and even through his little cries and screams, I would think to myself how wonderfully round his head shape was! Oh, mothers and their blind spots!

After being through this, I cannot believe how vastly different life is with a baby. There is such an extreme difference of being a non-mother and being a mother! My entire life and mentality has changed drastically. Every spare moment I have, I’m researching baby stuff. Every free moment I have, I try to sleep and rest so that I can be a better rested mother. Every time I’m away from the baby, I miss him. It’s insane that no matter how much of a non-mother you were, you are just a mother now. Your world changes, and everything has a different meaning.