I hesitated to write this post, afraid that many wouldn’t relate. But I realized that all of us have or will experience grief at various stages of our lives. And if there’s one thing I know about grief, it’s that it’s isolating. It makes you feel so alone. Like the rest of the world is moving on with their lives while your whole world is standing still. So, I thought I would share a  bit of the grieving process I have recently been going through. About a month ago I was in a very low place with our infertility struggle. Even though we are approved to adopt again and love Little Piñata more than words can say, there still is and may always be a place in my heart that grieves that we will likely never have biological children. I don’t often think about these feelings as my life is full and busy and fulfilling, but that’s the thing about grief. It may hit you when you never expect it.

The book, “A Grief Observed” by CS Lewis came into my life at a couple of times, so I decided that it was time to just go ahead and read it. It was such a balm to my soul. It’s pretty much a journal of how CS Lewis felt after his wife passed away. And even though our situations are very different, he shared so many things that were exactly what I needed to hear. So, I thought I would share one particular passage that was exactly what I needed to hear.

“Getting over it too soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing: after he’s had his leg off it is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. […] His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.”

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Have you ever felt like you’re walking on crutches or with a wooden leg? That whatever grief you’re going through will never allow you to walk on two feet again? Oh, I’ve been there. This quote hit me so hard. All this time I felt like I shouldn’t be grieving. That I should ‘get over it,’ be grateful for the child we DO have and to just move on. But after reading this I was gently reminded that to “move on” doesn’t mean that I am 100% ok with what we’ve been through. It’s also ok to have moments or days of grief long past when others expect you to be done. It’s ok to have soft spots on our hearts for the rest of our lives. Life is difficult and full of loss. And likely not as easy as had imagined it to be.

So even though we must continue on with our lives, some of us may have situations in our lives that cause us to forever walk with a “wooden leg.” Sure, we can walk. We can do productive things with our lives and have wonderful lives of blessing and gratitude. But, there may still be a wooden leg that reminds us of what we’ve been through and the hard roads we’ve walked. Sure, we can become stronger people because of these trials and learn so much from them. But, life is still different after experiencing grief.  Reading these words was so liberating to me. I read this book in bed and cried a lot of tears, getting out sadness that had been bottled up and pushed behind very thick walls.

So, if you are walking a lonely road right now or have experienced a loss of any kind, I hope you will find it encouraging that even though life continues on, it’s ok to acknowledge the losses in your life. There are certainly times where we have to pull ourselves together and put on a happy face no matter what we’re feeling inside. But, even if others tell you to ‘get over’ your loss, I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to remember and to cry when you need to. To have acknowledgement that our losses don’t always disappear so easily by such a brilliant writer as CS Lewis gave me the assurance I needed that even though I feel blessed and grateful, it’s ok to sometimes still feel sad. And even though I may have days where I feel like I’m just “limping along,” I know that one day I will be running and dancing in that wooden leg, and I am confident that you all will too.