We all have a list like this, right? The things that made us roll our eyes with righteous indignation, elbow our friends and hiss, “Look. Look at that. I’ll never do that when I have kids.”
Riiiight. Feast your eyes on my shattered parenting ideals, people. I said I would never …
… Let my kid rule my schedule. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I spend a good portion of my day in nap jail. I can’t do a damn thing outside the house because one or both of my kids are napping. When the baby doesn’t nap, the baby doesn’t sleep at night. When the baby doesn’t sleep at night, mama doesn’t sleep at night. And if I’m not going to sleep, it better be for a good reason — sickness, teething, developmental crap. A skipped nap? Rarely worth it.
… Drive my kid around aimlessly to get him to sleep. So wasteful! All of that gas! Yeeeeeah. Sorry, Mother Earth. It’s my last resort, but I still do this sometimes. And you better believe I am getting a milkshake at McDonald’s for my trouble.
… Let my kid wear obnoxious character clothing. “My child will wear classic clothing! Stripes! Solids! Perhaps a cute animal, but NO CHARACTERS!” Does this sound familiar? Heh. Yeah. Let me describe how my child’s eyes lit up the first time he got a shirt with Thomas the Train on it. It was poetic. And so began our slow descent into the character-clothing abyss. My kid will even have Lightning McQueen on his butt … if he ever actually decides to wear underwear.
Left: The king of the character clothing (why yes, that is “Planes” underwear on his head). Right: Happily chomping on toys that hit the grocery store floor so many times I lost count.
… Let my kid watch movies and play with the iPad in the car. I mean, duh. Instead of rotting his brain, my child would happily daydream in his comfy seat. He would look at books, enjoy the scenery, and drift off to sleep after a pleasant pit stop at the state line. Bwahahahahaha. All hail the iPad, provider of peace, harbinger of harmony.
… Let my kid watch anything but PBS. I pretty much grew up on PBS. “Sesame Street” and “3-2-1 Contact” and the like. I liked to think it was because I was being groomed for greater things in life. HAHAHA. More like, that’s what I watched because that’s all there was. Now my kid can ask for the most obscure, obnoxious cartoon on demand (ahem, “Tayo the Little Bus,” ahem). And he does. Frequently.
… Let my kid keep me from traveling. Actually, I’ve done a fair amount of traveling with kids, but no serious globe-trotting. Sharing a hotel room with a baby and a toddler is a joy… said no one ever. Maybe one day when we’re all a little more flexible. Until then, the beach and grandma’s house will probably be the height of our travel ambitions.
… Use spit to wipe off my kid’s face. My mom did this to me until an embarrassingly advanced age. Moooooom! Stop! And I totally do it now, too. In fact, I have licked my children’s faces clean when they had something yummy. In a world where the NoseFrida snot sucker exists, this no longer seems all that bad.
… Bribe my kid. Seriously, what was I thinking? Bribery is AWESOME. You want that Rice Krispie Treat, kid? Eat the broccoli. You want that new toy car? Pooping on the potty won’t kill you. No, it’s not my default, but it comes in handy … pretty often.
… Smell my kid’s butt in public to determine whether he’d pooped. Honestly, is there a more efficient way? If I’m going to make the trek to some nasty public bathroom, I better be sure it’s worth the trip.
… Talk so freely about poop. It all started when I dissected my baby’s diapers for clues to his well-being. Yellow and seedy? Good! Green and runny? Oh no! And now I have a 3-year-old boy who randomly shouts “POOP! PEE! FART!” in public, then dissolves into laughter. I couldn’t avoid it if I tried.
… Post too many pictures of my kids on Facebook. I AM SO THIS PERSON. Sorry. Hide me. Unfriend me. It’s a sickness and I can’t stop.
Tell me, my pretties: What did you swear you’d never do? Are you holding firm on any of those pre-kid declarations?
blogger / persimmon / 1231 posts
Haha, yes to all of these!!
pomegranate / 3160 posts
Baahhhaaaa, yesyesyes.
grapefruit / 4235 posts
Soooo true!
clementine / 806 posts
“All hail the iPad, provider of peace, harbinger of harmony” Yes.
Yes yes yes yes yes.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
Hahaha, this is the best and so very true!
pear / 1837 posts
ALL of this. Plus my kids were never going to have sweets, never have plastic toys, only eat organic, and only wear organic clothes. Nope.
cherry / 187 posts
Love this! I am with you on so many of these. I recently just admitted the character clothing thing to myself as I have bought several things recently for my daughter. When your kid goes bananas over the items with characters, you realize it isn’t about YOU. It’s about THEM. Bring on the Disney characters!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Hahaha yes!!! Love these!
cherry / 157 posts
I’m still trying to hold strong on my “no Disney princess’s crap” rule, but I anticipate that that too will go out the window.
pear / 1696 posts
Funny! I do the poopy butt sniff test in public all the time!
I swore I would never get into the baby food pouches and only feed LO “real” food that I made from scratch. But when you’re on the go, nothing beats the convenience…e
clementine / 948 posts
Omg. Hilarious and so true!!! I was convinced that I would have a baby that could nap on the go… Nope. Need that crib. I’m currently in nap jail in fact.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
Bahaha. Love it. Yes to all. Amen Mrs. Yoyo!
nectarine / 2274 posts
LOL, all true.
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
Yes! All of this!
GOLD / grapefruit / 4555 posts
I truly love you all the more for this post. And I didn’t think that was possible!!
persimmon / 1194 posts
Lol love this!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Hahaha, yes! I’m so that mom on FB too.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
Love this!!
guest
OMG, cracking up over here! You are spot on!
blogger / honeydew / 7081 posts
Haha yes! All of this!
guest
All of this! plus I swore my kid would never be the kid with a pacifier after her first birthday. – She turns 2 next week and were still going strong with the paci for naps, bed time and car rides.
grapefruit / 4006 posts
HAHA! this post is so funny. and yes, to all of the above.
nectarine / 2771 posts
Yes, yes, yes! Love this!
pomelo / 5628 posts
Luckily, I never promised most of these things, so I’m safe doing them
I always heart the “true life” posts.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Haha I’m pregnant and def have some of those “I will never” sentiments but I def know when the kid is actually out, the whole game changes!
pomegranate / 3768 posts
Haha! So true!!
kiwi / 506 posts
All of this.
And that I will never let my toddler sleep in my bed. Oh wait, you mean I can get an extra hour of sleep if I let her in? Sold.
grapefruit / 4554 posts
Ah yes to all of them!
olive / 61 posts
Love this! I had this crazy idea that my lo will have no problems napping on his own and I will not be holding him for his naps. Lets just say that for the first 5.5 months of his life, he was held for 90% of his naps! I have no idea how I will be able to do that if I have another one.
pomelo / 5258 posts
Oh, I had some stupid ideas pre-kid. In HS a teacher mentioned she started buying her groceries online once she had a baby. I thought I would never do that. As if dragging a baby to the grocery store makes someone a better mom. WTH was I thinking??
Here we are eating dinner on the couch while watching a Disney princess movie. Oh how the judgey have fallen. And I have only stepped in a grocery store with my toddler once.
guest
I quite a few of those things! Character clothing is my cut off though. Nope. Won’t do it. I compromise with my nieces and get character jammies. Well my son starts asking, I will get him jammies only.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
HA! I don’t know that I made any of those promises. If I had, I would have broken most of them! I definitely use my spit to clean Little P’s face just about every day. How does he still have breakfast on his face (when I wiped it off before he got out of his chair) at 10am when we’re running errands?!
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
Lol to the character clothing! I fear Dora and hello kitty
pomegranate / 3225 posts
Ah! Love this!
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
HAHA omg… Oh no… I totally have said all of this!! uh oh.. Am I kidding myself? I’m only 3 months in! Yikes!
pea / 15 posts
really enjoyed reading this post, thanks for sharing!
blogger / apricot / 367 posts
Definitely agree with all of these, especially #1, 2, and 3… Haha we all begin with such lofty ideas before reality hits!
grapefruit / 4819 posts
I love this post so much. SO MUCH.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
hahaha! great list! and i have to say, i’m proud that i held true to no character clothing except on PJs and underwear! well, except for vintage-y looking superhero tees…that’s a total exception, no?
persimmon / 1495 posts
I totally judged one of my friends for co-sleeping before I had a kid – now I love it.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
love it, thank you!
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
Oh, gosh, so many options…The one I’ve been thinking of lately is, “My kids will not throw fits in public while I just sit there and ignore the whole scene.” Yeah, ignoring fits works really well to stop them right now, so you can bet that my kid may be throwing a fit in Target and I’m going to let him get on with his bad self and pretend like I don’t even see him. Sorry not sorry!
grape / 81 posts
I vowed that our children would never sleep in our bed. Haha! Turns out it was the best thing for our adopted son. Everyone was happiest with that situation. We all got our sleep. Then the next two babies slept with Mom and Dad too. They’ve all transitioned wonderfully to beds/cribs but sometimes our oldest will still join us in the middle of the night. We even ended up buying a king-sized bed to facilitate that..
I love what you said about character clothing. I was never a fan but now I know how much the boys love it so I’ll treat them to the cute licensed shirts at Old Navy. Of course their underwear is laden with characters and pyjamas are fair game. Still we have a nice balance with character-free clothing. For some reason, I just can’t do character footwear. That’s where I draw the line.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
“…Drive my kid around aimlessly to get him to sleep. ……And you better believe I am getting a milkshake at McDonald’s for my trouble.” LMAO!!!! You’re hilarious!!!
I said I wouldn’t ever co-sleep. Omg. I’m probably the worst culprit at it now. It’s the only way this momma gets a few minutes of shut eye now. *hangs head in shame and buries it deep, deep into the sand*
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
Uhm, yes. To all of these. Most of them I was open about doing, but I’ve fallen on my sword plenty!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Yep, spot on! I don’t think I swore them off, but I definitely do most off of them!
cherry / 243 posts
Love this!
pea / 22 posts
So true
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
Haha so true!
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
the character clothing! LOL and most all of these… great post
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
So true… So true. I laughed at all of these. We had a driving “nap route” in a household that stopped napping at a year and a half sometimes that car nap is sweet bliss!