Back when we were in the thick of our infertility and even after we started our adoption process, the question I dreaded most was, “When are you having kids?” It was like a stab in the heart. Every. Time. I know the question is well-meaning and innocent on the part of the asker, but when what you’d want more than anything else in the world is to be able to have a child, that innocent question becomes a painful reminder that you can’t. At least not yet.
We have been in the process for our second adoption for over two years now. Yes, we know who our sweet daughter is now, but we will still need to wait up to another year until she is able to come home. So, while we might technically have a daughter, it’s hard to explain our situation to others who don’t really know us or how the process works.
And now, with Lil’ CB at 4, almost 5, and heading into Kindergarten, the questions that are currently driving me crazy are, “So, is he your only one?” followed by “When are you going to give him a sibling?” or “Aren’t you going to have more?” or some variation of the like. The worst is when they ask Lil’ CB, “Don’t you want a little brother or sister? Ask your mom and dad for one!” That one makes me want to punch that person in the face. (I swear, I’m normally a very non-violent person!)
Sure, I could say that we are in process with our second adoption and that our little girl is waiting in Korea, but most of the time, these questions are from strangers and almost all of the time, I don’t want to launch into our family history or worse, my reproductive status, with a complete stranger.
Don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely proud and grateful that our family was formed through adoption and am happy to talk about it with anyone who is genuinely interested, but again, with a stranger, I just don’t want to (or need to) go there. Plus, as Lil’ CB gets older, I want him to know that his story is his story as his sister’s is hers. And I want to help be protective of those stories until my children are old enough to share on their own with others the parts they are comfortable sharing.
Our little girl really is a girl, and not a bunny, but we are not allowed to post pictures of her until the adoption is finalized. Also, awesome photo by my friend Sandra, at Three Continents Photography.
I really was doing okay with the wait this time around, but lately this question has really started to affect me. It’s bringing back some ugly feelings and a general feeling of “IT’S NOT FAIR!” especially since many of my friends who have children that are Lil’ CB’s age have had their second and even third children by now, many of them conceived and born after we began our second adoption.
I wouldn’t have it any other way, though, because I know our sweet Lil’ Cowgirl was meant to be our daughter. And I know that once she is home, these feelings will disappear, just as they did when Lil’ CB came home…
But for right now, I’m wallowing a bit in these feelings that are flooding back and waiting anxiously for them to leave.
blogger / coconut / 8306 posts
I will never understand how anyone thinks these prodding questions are not inappropriate. Sometimes I want to reply with, “how much do you make at your current job? How often do you poop? oh, these are inappropriate questions? THINK ABOUT IT.”
kiwi / 566 posts
Big hugs, and thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. The picture of Little CB with his sister is beautiful and I imagine it’s even more beautiful when you can see your little girl and not the bunny
As for the questions–especially the ones directed at Lil CB–I am so, so sorry you’re dealing with those. Rude questions are one of the things that bother me most about parenting–why do people think they can ask those things? Especially when they are passive-aggressively aimed at children? Whether or not you were in the process of adopting your daughter, it is still extremely inappropriate to tell a small child to ask his parents for a brother and sister based on your own idea of what a family “should” look like and how quickly a kid should or shouldn’t have a sibling. We are only planning on having one child, and she’s only 6 months old now, but I dread the day when people start asking her those questions–and I know it will come. I agree that it most often seems to happen from strangers and I just don’t get it. Why do they care so much?
Again, big hugs!! I can’t imagine how hard the wait for your daughter to come home is, and you will be in my thoughts through this journey.
kiwi / 566 posts
@Mrs. Jump Rope: This is brilliant. “How often do you poop?” is totally going to be my new retort when/if I get any sort of inappropriate question. No answer. Just: Person A: “Why don’t you have a second child/when are you going to have a baby/etc.?” Me: “How often do you poop?”
I doubt I’d actually be able to do this. But it’s still brilliant!
kiwi / 511 posts
Many hugs it is a terrible question, I hated it. Still hate it but I don’t get those questions anymore, I am sure there will be different questions at a different time.
With all the info that is out there about adoption and infertility it amazes me that so many people still ask these questions and think it is fine. There have been many times in my imagination I am whacking people with a clue by four.
kiwi / 511 posts
@ILoveLettie: You can also ask them how often they have sex. I did that once and I couldn’t believe I managed to get it out. I certainly got my point across.
nectarine / 2192 posts
Hugs! I hated this question even before starting to TTC, and it is so much worse now.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
this question popped up frequently around the time I was going through my miscarriage, and I absolutely hated it. I am so sorry that strangers are dragging CB into the conversation, because that must only make it so much worse. I hope this year of waiting goes by quick and easy for you guys
persimmon / 1479 posts
Ugh, I hate those prying questions. Totally inappropriate. I think my jaw literally dropped when you mentioned that they try to ask your daughter “doesn’t she want another sibling?” So incredibly hurtful and rude. Wow……
coconut / 8430 posts
Big hugs. I look forward to the day you can bring your daughter home!
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
I feel like it’s just light conversation when I ask friends when they’re going to have kids, and then as soon as I ask it I realize perhaps they’re going through IF and I have no idea. Most people just have no idea unfortunately and they’d never even think of it as a loaded question.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
*hugs*
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
And you know, I still wouldn’t even know it was an inappropriate question to ask if I wasn’t part of this community. In my circle of friends, and in the circle of “mom” friends I have from the parent baby groups – IF is something that I’ve never had anyone openly talk about in my life and so I wouldn’t know any better. Not that it make the line of questioning any less inappropriate!
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
oh goodness all these acronyms. i don’t know if IF means what I think it means (infertility). sorry!
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts
Hugs, my chingoo. Love you and your family.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
My struggle with infertility ended with my carring a child to term, yet I find the “when are you having another” question even more infuriating than the “when will you start a family” question we got years ago. I want to say eff you to the world. Since when is one glorious blessing not enough? Can we all just say “what a beautiful family you have” and leave it at that?
pomegranate / 3225 posts
People can be so rude! Hugs to you and your family!
eggplant / 11861 posts
You are strong and that little girl will be lucky to have you, as you are her! I pray the wait is fast!!!!
Our infertility journey was a tough one…I too would cringe at those questions
All I could think of when people would ask these questions was how blessed they were to not understand that for many that process was not so easy….
Even if the person does have a child, you don’t know how they came to be….every child is a blessing no matter how they came in your life…
People that ask those questions don’t understand, because they have not had to or have been in situations…….
I also think being open when you can and not everyday are you going to feel the need to be open, might raise awareness….and help others to see it is not so easy!
eggplant / 11861 posts
@Mrs. Stroller: That I totally agree with that!!!!!!
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
Im sorry youre having to field these kind of questions– so rude! I’m hoping this wait will fly by for you and the family.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
Big hugs and I want to punch all those insensitive people for you!
nectarine / 2600 posts
Hugs friend!! I usually just straight up hit people with the truth. That usually shuts them up and gets them on to the next topic! I wish I could will the process to go faster for you!
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
Hugs!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Oh, I totally feel you. I think you’re right that when she’s home it will feel different, but like you, as we wait for #2 it just seems HARD. I thought it would be easier this time as well, but it’s just not. I find the hardest part is feeling jealous of how EASY it is for others, which building our family is so hard. Hugs to you as you wait! You’re a strong and patient mom!!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Thinking of you…man, some people can be so insensitive. =(
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
It made me sick to my stomach to read this. So much pain on top of pain. I’m so sorry you (and other families in similar situations) have to deal with this… and thank you for this blog post because it educates ignorant folks (like myself!!) about what to be sensitive about!!
Cannot wait to see your daughter come home.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
You are a better person than I am – I think I’d shove off anyone who dared tell my kid that they need to ask for a brother or sister. WTF is that?? Much love to you – can’t wait to hear about your daughter’s homecoming!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Mrs. Jump Rope: that is a great response!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@ILoveLettie: @Mrs.Maven: @AmeliaBedilia: @Mrs. Confetti: @winter_wonder: @sunny: @Alivoo01: @Mrs. High Heels: @Rubies: @kml636: @locavore_mama: @TheSwissWifeStyle: @autumnlove: @Mrs Checkers: @Mrs. Carrot: thanks for your encouragement and support!!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Mrs. Chipmunk: you’re right with the acronyms!
yeah, i think if you haven’t or don’t know anyone who has experienced infertility, this question can seem innocuous…i probably asked it myself tons of times before i struggled myself! but when they involve my child, that just crosses the line, you know? crazies…
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Mrs. Stroller: yes, exactly!!!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@mrs. wagon: aww, thanks, friend.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@FaithFertility: yes, you are totally right…i definitely need to keep my mind open to that and be more gracious. but there are definitely times when i just don’t want to be gracious!!
GOLD / grapefruit / 4555 posts
Big big hugs. It’s not fair, truly it isn’t. And you’re a stronger person than I because I’m pretty sure by now I would have snapped under the pressure. Here’s hoping everyone takes their common sense pill before they open their mouths to talk. Not every road a person is travelling is obvious. One should think before they speak, not think afterwards. I mean, seriously. WTF dude?
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Big, big hugs!! Thanks so much for sharing… I hate that people pull CB into this too with their thoughtless comments.
guest
Hugs!
I don’t think that people understand how insensitive these questions can be, and you don’t know until it’s too late! After decades of practicing I think I have my death stare down, at least most seem to get the message and not ask that particular question any more. Then I go home and cry.
I hope you get to bring your daughter home relatively soon. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to know there is a child waiting for you, to know their name, when they are born, what they like, but not when you get to hold them in your arms.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
I saw a little update on IG a while ago and hope you have more details to share soon! Waiting to follow along!