It is the eve of the first day of school as I write this. Usually, this evening is spent looking over lesson plans and schedules for the first day, all while trying to quell the first day jitters that start creeping up. This year, it’s a little different. Because I’m not so much feeling first day jitters for myself, but rather for my very own Kindergartner embarking on his very own Kindergarten journey tomorrow.

As a Kindergarten teacher, you’d think I’d be less anxious about sending my own child off to Kindergarten…On the contrary, I think I’m more nervous than the average non-teacher parent. And it’s because I know how much we expect of our little Kinder Kids and it fills me with a mixed bag of emotions as I think about Lil’ CB heading off to bonafide big boy school.

All summer long, as we’ve been prepping for school, a thought kept popping into my head. I wondered whether the expectations I had for my students at the beginning of the year were too high, or if the expectations I had for Lil’ CB weren’t quite high enough. Because as I watched my sweet boy, I couldn’t help but think that he still seemed so little! And it’s silly, because my head kept comparing him to the Kindergartners I had just had, which, of course doesn’t make sense to do. I know that our beginning-of-the-year Kindergartners are vastly different from the almost-first-graders they transform into by June, but as hard as I tried, I just could not remember exactly what beginning-of-the-year Kindergartners are like! (Seriously, even after 12 years of teaching, I’m always surprised by how *little* they are!) In my heart of hearts, I know he’s ready. And he couldn’t be more excited. But me? I’m not sure how ready I am.

I kept thinking back to the hundreds of students I’ve taught and thought about how Lil’ CB would, before I knew it, be joining their ranks as a former Kindergartner. Melodramatic much? I know. But, really, I think that’s the hardest part about sending my little cowboy off to Kindergarten…it’s knowing what comes after Kindergarten!

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Yes, Kindergarten has changed over the last two decades. We really do expect much from our young students, and we really do see them transform into young readers and writers and mathematicians…but we still have fun. And we still have a strong understanding of the fact that these are young children and try our hardest to honor their development. But once they leave us, it’s serious business.

First grade is no joke. And really I say that with the greatest respect for first grade teachers (I was one myself for 5 years!). A lot more independence is required of the kids, their learning really takes off and there is hardly any hint of little kid left in them. It’s the main reason why I left first grade and came back down to Kindergarten. I missed little, little kids. So, knowing how quickly the little kid phase will be gone? Heart-wrenching. I know it’s dumb and I know I’m rambling and not making much sense, but it’s how I’m really feeling.

Kindergarten is such a special and magical year. More than anything, I’m excited for the fun Lil’ CB will have and for the great friends I know he will make. I’m incredibly privileged that Lil’ CB will literally be next door to me at school and that I’ll be able to experience some of his Kindergarten experience…but tonight? Tonight I’m feeling a little melodramatic and weepy and sad, mourning the loss of my preschooler and nervously letting go of his hand as he enters the world of school-aged kids…

Indulge me little, okay? And hold my hand? Thanks…